Sexless Marriage: Step-by-Step Guide To Fixing (Expert Tips)

I speak with men around the world almost every day, and one problem comes up more than any other. They have stopped having sex with their wife.

Austin S. had been married 12 years when he came to me. Two small children, and he was thinking about divorce. The trust between him and his wife had worn down so far, he told me, that “she asked me not to touch her unless I asked. The trust issues were that bad.”

They had already done a lot of marriage counseling and it had not moved anything.

Because sex isn’t just physical; it’s how love stays alive. When intimacy fades, frustration, loneliness, and emotional distance creep in.

But here’s the truth: you can fix this.

In this guide, I’ll show you what really happens to a man in a sexless marriage and the exact steps to reignite passion and connection again.

Before anything else, most men want to know one thing: is this normal, or is it just us? Four questions will tell you where you sit against the survey data, and more usefully, whether the real problem is how often you are having sex or a mismatch in what the two of you want.

What A Sexless Marriage Looks Like 

Not quite sure if you’re in a sexless marriage?
Take this short quiz to find out where your intimacy really stands.

A sexless marriage is when intimacy has faded to the point where making love feels like a distant memory.

Generally, it’s defined as having sex fewer than 10 times per year. That is a far cry from the average couple who connects about once a week.

But beyond numbers, a sexless marriage is about the emotional gap it creates. When touch, affection, and desire disappear, couples often start feeling more like roommates than lovers.

You may still share a home, a bed, or even laughter , but not true closeness. That lack of sexual connection often signals deeper issues: emotional disconnection, stress, resentment, or unspoken hurt.

While every couple’s definition of “too long without sex” is different, the truth is simple , when intimacy feels absent, it’s time to address it before distance becomes the norm.

The Sexless Marriage Effect On A Husband - And How It Changes A Man

Sexless marriages can change a man for better or for worse. It only improves once he begins taking the right action. But unfortunately, this isn’t the case for most men. 

Here’s a summary of the sexless marriage effect on husband: 

• Loss of self-confidence
• Anxiety, stress, depression
• Loneliness and isolation
• Sexual frustration
• Feelings of resentment
• Weaker communication

One source on AARP revealed that there are older couples who are barely having sex. Here’s what was mentioned:

“A surprisingly high percentage of people in their 50s are living sexless lives , and the number is growing.”

Firstly, many men associate their worth and identity with sexual intimacy. 

When facing frequent rejection from his wife, a man might feel undesirable and question his value. 

Do you know what this turns him into? Well, the answer is that stereotype of the grumpy, frustrated old man who feels reduced to just a provider.

This ongoing cycle of initiation without reciprocation can lead to resentment and questioning whether this is all there is to marriage. 

Over time, without the physical connection that many men equate with emotional openness, the relationship may suffer from increasing bitterness and disconnection. This often escalates conflicts and can lead to separation or divorce.

The absence of sex signals deeper problems between you, and it also wears down the bond that keeps couples together over the long term. Without addressing these underlying problems, couples may drift apart, become mere co-parents, or end their marriage.

Loss of self-confidence

When sex stops, most men start to doubt themselves, and the doubt does not stay in the bedroom. The first thing it takes is a husband’s self-confidence. 

Zander B. had been married 20 years and with his wife for 27, more than half his life. Everything else in his life came easily to him. This did not.

“I felt like an 8-year-old trapped in a 48-year-old body until about three months ago.”

Zander B.

Dave M., 46, put the same thing a different way. He had been through depression that year and had tried psychotherapy and counseling, and he described himself as stuck in quicksand, slowly sinking. In his own words, he “didn't trust myself, you know, didn't, uh, felt like my wife didn't trust me.”

Both men were capable and both were trying. What had gone was the belief that they were wanted, and that followed them into their work and into how they carried themselves at home.

It’s a vicious cycle. 

Issues with sexual performance also fuel feelings of embarrassment, shame, and low self-esteem.

Anxiety, stress, and depression 

The emotional toll of a sexless marriage is heavy. It can lead to the husband developing an anxious or avoidant attachment style. 

No longer having sex pretty much equals feelings of rejection. This sets the stage for concern and uncertainty about self-worth. All the pressure to resolve things can make any man lose it or go gray. 

Loneliness and isolation

A husband can feel like an island in the middle of a vast ocean, isolated and alone. 

Even in the physical presence of their partner, they can experience emotional isolation. This loneliness stems from the consistent rejection and a diminished connection with their spouse. 

As a result, the man may slowly withdraw. Why? Because they’re unable to be in the present since they’re processing negative feelings.

Sexual frustration

Do you know what trail sexless marriages leave behind? 

Unfulfilled sexual desires. Hence leading to a lack of sexual satisfaction. This translates into sexual frustration. 

But can a sexless marriage survive these challenges? The answer is yes (more on solutions shortly).

Those in sexless relationships will also face similar issues. And yes, they’re also fixable. 

No sex doesn’t just affect the physical aspect of the relationship but also the emotional connection. 

Feelings of resentment

Feeling rejected because of no sex can sow the seeds of resentment. 

However, keep in mind that this isn’t always the case. An article on Verywell Mind even mentioned that: 

“If both partners are okay with this type of relationship, it doesn’t call for concern. But often, one or both partners become frustrated or hurt by the loss of physical intimacy and sex.”

Anyway, these seeds grow into a towering tree, casting a shadow over the relationship. The anger bottles up. When it reaches its tipping point, it becomes a disaster. 

As the resentment is contained within, it can lead partners to see each other more as roommates. Resentment held that long tends to leak out sideways, which is often what is really going on when your wife keeps snapping at you. At this point, it’s more like a partnership than a marriage. There’s no more empathy. Fighting, arguing, and constantly blaming each other for the pettiest things become routine.

Weaker communication

Weak communication is one of the main reasons that most relationships fail. 

Communication is the lifeline of any relationship. Not all of it is verbal, though, and I cover the non-verbal route in how to improve your marriage without talking about it. However, a sexless marriage can weaken this. Worse, it destroys this lifeline. 

Besides communication, there are other common reasons why relationships fail. Curious? Watch my short YouTube video below:

Stuck in a Sexless Marriage? 8 Steps You Must Take

Here are the following steps to take as a man in a sexless marriage: 

• Don’t turn to adult content 
• Be completely honest with yourself
• Let your reality sink in
• Channel your masculine energy
• Focus on your passions
• Communicate with your wife
• Invest more quality time into your marriage
• Hold yourself accountable

Commit to these steps when considering walking away from your sex life. 

Do you perhaps look at your partner in a perpetually negative light? Maybe your thoughts of her currently are along the lines of: 

• “She’s so lazy”
• “Why does she always complain all the time?”
• “She’s too dramatic” 
• And more…

If so, pay attention to the following steps below. 

Before that, know this: where focus goes, energy flows. 

What you think about your spouse is what you will get more of. Analyze your connection to your partner outside the bedroom. It’s essential to understand that women want to feel a connection with their partner outside of sex.

If the lack of sex is getting you down, don’t rush into getting physical. 

Take stock of your relationship with your spouse. Without a solid connection between the two of you, your sex life will undoubtedly suffer.

And remember, you’re not the only one. The sexless marriage statistics reveal that it’s more common than you might think. 

1. First, understand that adult content  is not the answer

One of the first things you may reach out for when living in a sexless marriage is to watch adult content instead. 

But this is not a good solution. 

Don’t try to remedy a sexless marriage by turning to adult content. This only causes more pain, disconnection, and unresolved hurt feelings. And eventually, you’ll become addicted to explicit media.

Why? It’s simple. 

What you’re going through is not a sexual problem. It’s a heart problem. 

And this is what you need to tackle: your heart and mind. 

We need to be careful about how we deal with sensitive issues.

Try to identify and get to the root of your problem. This brings us to the next step. 

2. Be completely honest with yourself

Your issues likely stem from an unresolved issue or experience, and trauma can play a big part in this. Where that is the case, working with a professional is sensible, and couples sex therapy is one route worth knowing about. 

Now, I need you to come to terms with your current situation. The truth is, you’re most likely in a dying marriage.

Be honest with yourself. 

Ask yourself what you have actually changed in the past year, and what you have only thought about changing.

Don’t ignore your flaws and shortcomings. Acknowledge their existence. I know it’s not easy. 

Write down the last three times sex came up between you and what you actually did. Did you ask her for it, or did you go quiet and hope she would start? That list is the honest version, and most men have never written it down.

3. Let your reality sink in

Have you acknowledged your reality? 

That’s good. The next step is to let it sink in. This is an essential step if you want to win your wife back. 

It’s a lot to take in and accept. Don’t beat yourself up over past mistakes. Dwelling on the past for too long won’t do much good. 

Sit with it for a few days before you do anything about it. Men who skip this part go straight to trying to fix her, and that is the move that got them here.

4. Channel your masculine energy regularly

There’s a good chance you’re in a sexless marriage because you’re not in touch with your masculine side. 

This is a powerful tool for addressing the issues in a problematic relationship or marriage. 

Meditation is where most men start, and it works better at the same time every day than whenever you remember. Zander cut out Netflix and the news, started reading again and went to bed earlier, and he calls the two months that followed some of the most productive of his life.

5. Focus on your passions

I’m talking about your hobbies and interests. 

If there was something you made or played or built before the marriage got heavy, go back to it this week. An hour is enough to start.

Working on your creative passions will help you connect with your feminine side, which is key to restoring intimacy. 

6. Communicate with your wife

Most men hear communication and think it means saying more to her. For Dave it meant saying the true thing instead of the safe one.

His marriage was not in crisis. It had drifted for four or five years and he knew it, and he had let it happen.

Going back through it, he found the places where he had gone quiet. “I realized in that process that there had been so many times where I'd not been completely honest with her,” he says. “I'd held, I'd held back saying some things because I didn't wanna hurt her.”

He did not start talking more. He started saying the things he had been holding back to avoid hurting her, and that is what moved the marriage. “Something dramatic changes when you are, when you are just honest,” he says.

Their sex life went, in his words, “from, uh, once a once a month to five, six times a week,” with his wife starting most of it. He is clear that saving the relationship was not why he joined, and he calls that part a bonus.

Words aren’t the only factor in good communication. It’s also about empathy and communicating well nonverbally.

7. Invest more quality time in your marriage

It happens, men can get complacent. 

At the start of a relationship, you’ll likely make a great effort to impress your partner. However, this spark can wear down over time. This is because we feel secure, as if we have snared them and no longer need to try.

But doing things as simple as learning a new skill or exploring new experiences can impact libido. 

In other words, you can revive a dead sex life simply by spending quality time together. So, try to impress your wife like you once did when you first met her! 

And if you find you do not want to spend that time with her, that is worth paying attention to, because it can be a sign that the marriage might be over.

8. Hold yourself accountable

Are things slowly picking back up? That’s good. 

Progress is progress, which is great to see. However, you must hold yourself accountable. Otherwise, you could drag the marriage back down. 

Have the mindset that you’re fully responsible for the marriage. This will ensure that the progress you’re making is sustainable. 

I’d also advise you to start having more relationship check-ins. 

3 Consequences Of A Sexless Marriage

Unfortunately, sexless marriages are happening a lot more than you might realize. Here’s what’s been stated on Everyday Health: 

“As many as 40 million Americans in romantic relationships aren’t having sex , and some of them are perfectly happy with it.”

Apart from the apparent sense of loneliness and abandonment, a sexless marriage can have devastating consequences for all partners. 

Below, I talk about some of the most common effects a sexless marriage has on the husband and wife.

The trust deteriorates

When you connect with someone on a deeper level, you instinctively start to trust them. 

And having sex together is probably the most beautiful way to connect with your partner. Sex aligns your hearts and your spirit together.

Sex also triggers the release of oxytocin, the hormone most associated with pair bonding and trust. Worth being precise, since this gets overstated online: oxytocin is not an endorphin and it is not a happiness switch. It is one part of a bonding system, and the research on its behavioral effects in humans is a good deal messier than the popular version suggests. So, cutting that off means denying closeness with your partner. 

It can be hard to trust your partner without this level of intimacy.

Anger builds up

Long periods without sex, combined with a drop in shared intimacy on that level can result in irritation. 

We’ll often see the stereotypical bickering in long-term marriages. This is generally a result of a lack of connection and intimacy. 

When the frequency of sex dramatically drops, a slow resentment may start to build up.

This resentment can be intensified to an even greater level if only one partner has lost interest in sex. The partner who has not lost interest and still wants to have sex may feel deprived and become bitter. Of all the things a relationship can cause us to feel, bitterness is one of the most toxic.

Of course, it is natural for our sex life to peak and trough. 

Factors such as stress and illness can cause our libido to drop. A good partner will be understanding of this and can find other ways to meet their needs (such as masturbation).

The actual difficulty arises when the lack of sex becomes chronic. 

If you are reading this and you haven’t had sex with your spouse for a couple of months, it might not entirely be time to worry yet.

However, if you’ve only had sex a handful of times over the past year. Houston, you have a problem.

Internal rejection

Although a lack of sex does not directly mean rejection, consistently being withdrawn can feel like you’re being rejected over and over again. 

Even though the lack of sex may not have anything to do with you, it can be hard not to take it personally over an extended period. 

It can feel like a blow to your masculine pride and assertiveness. This can leave you feeling insignificant and unloved.

The Lack Of Connection Is What Drives A Sexless Marriage Toward Divorce

The lack of sex doesn’t put you on the path to divorce.

Apart from physical pleasure, one of the most significant reasons human beings seek out lovemaking is for connection. 

Not having sex is not EVERYTHING, but it is an integral part of a happy and healthy relationship.

The chemicals that are released in the brain during the big O and intimacy help you form a bond with your partner. That bond will form on a psychological, emotional, energetic, and spiritual level.

It is common for long periods of celibacy to result in one or both partners being open to attention from other people.

Now, I’m not saying a lack of sex always leads to an affair. 

But these thoughts suddenly can creep in a lot more than before.

Or maybe you’re wondering if your partner is cheating on you. So you allow yourself an emotional affair, maybe with a coworker or a neighbor, because it’s in our nature to feel loved and accepted. 

When we don’t receive these things from our partners, we look for ways outside our marriage to get them.

The bottom line is this: if you’re not having sex with your spouse, you’re setting yourself up for a disaster.

When you have good sex, you’ll exchange positive energy, as summarized in my YouTube clip below. However, you’ll miss out on this when there is no sex.

How You Ended Up In A Sexless Marriage

There could be a million reasons why this has happened.

As you grow older and figure out who you are, you may drift away from your partner. 

Sometimes, married couples suddenly find that the initial connection they once shared is broken.

Maybe your goals are no longer aligned, and communication is almost non-existent. This could make you question your love for each other as you realize you’re no longer on the same page about things that matter.

Take a look at what you spend most of your time on. 

Are you working too much? Does your marriage revolve around your children? 

Try to look deep within the relationship and take ownership of the situation.

Your disconnect from your partner may also be the result of long-term repressed pain. This pain can develop over time from a lack of trust, or maybe there’s a lack of honesty in your relationship.

Sometimes, we make promises we cannot keep. We often say one thing but do another, which can also cause a disconnect in our relationship. 

It can be hard to overcome this disconnect and work on being more open in your relationship.

Another reason is that you find you are not fulfilling your dreams and goals in life. This can cause resentment to build up between you and your partner, which leads to a sexless marriage.

Sexual health issues like low sexual desire, ED, and PE can also cause a sexless marriage

Lastly, it’s worth noting that sexual health problems like the following can cause a sexless marriage:

• E.D. and P.E.
• Performance anxiety
• Little to no sexual desire

All of these conditions could be the reasons you don’t want sex. 

And again, not having sex means missing out on physical and emotional intimacy. 

However, you can conquer this by mastering your vital life-force energy. I cover this in more detail in my master's guide to the art of intimacy.

The Next Steps To Restore Sexual Intimacy

Austin’s nine weeks did not run in a straight line. He had a win in week three, doubted the whole thing through the middle, and broke through at the end. “It's, it's not a linear path,” he says. “Um, unfortunately we all want it to be easy.”

The week three moment came while he was still focused on his own practice and expecting no sex from her for a long time yet.

“And she asked me to have sex and I was kind of caught off guard, but I was like, oh my gosh, this actually works.”

Austin S.

By the final week they had sex four times in eight days, and he is specific that it was not the sex he used to push for. He was “finally able to serve her with my sexuality and masculinity instead of trying to get something from her.”

He is also clear about the limits, and I would rather you heard that from him than from me. “Guys who watch this need to know that you don't have to be perfect either to see results.”

What a sexless marriage does to a man is real and it is worth taking seriously. The way out is slow and fairly unglamorous, which is the part nobody wants to hear.

The men who get through it are the ones who went first, before she had changed anything at all.

Austin was thinking about divorce when he started. Dave had let his marriage drift for five years. Neither of them found out it was fixable by waiting.

If you want somewhere to start, I made a free marriage transformation video that walks men through how to repair the trust and the sex in their marriage.

Watch it before you try anything else, because it will save you the months most men spend guessing.

And if doing it on your own isn’t working, that’s not a failure. Some men want someone in their corner while they do it, which is why I work as a relationship coach for men.

Stay strong brothers. You got this!

Frequently Asked Questions About Sexless Marriage Effects on Husband