Top 13 Relationship Check In Questions For Better Intimacy

Steffo Shambo

Updated on Aug 11, 2023
relationship check in questions

Relationship check in questions aren’t just nice-to-haves.

Without checking in with your partner, your relationship is veering into a tornado of confusion and disconnection. In the middle of this mayhem, it can feel like there’s no way out— and this article is here to help.

Whether you’re a married couple or in a new relationship, asking the right questions will reignite connection and create a surge of intimacy between you and your lover.

We’ve split these deep questions into four sections:

  1. Sex
  2. Growth
  3. Expectations
  4. Emotional intelligence

What are relationship check in questions?

Exactly as it sounds, it’s a regular discussion, whether as an informal marriage meeting or for new couples. So you have the chance to connect, explore together, and grow closer.

Check ins also give you both the chance to talk through any issues in the relationship.

The great thing is fixing communication in a relationship can be done.

And if your sexual relationship is already amazing— these questions will only make intimacy sexier and more intimate.

Here are the top 13 relationship check in questions

Here are the questions — read below to find out how to deliver them and the specific impact each one has on a relationship’s communication.

  1. What are your sexual needs?
  2. What’s one thing you want me to do to you that I haven’t done?
  3. How can I make you feel more appreciated?
  4. What turns you on/off?
  5. How can I support your evolution?
  6. What is your purpose in life?
  7. What are you insecure about?
  8. What is one thing each of us could improve upon in this relationship?
  9. What are your goals within this relationship?
  10. Do you have any mixed feelings?
  11. What makes you feel connected to me?
  12. What makes you feel disconnected from me?
  13. How do you like to be appreciated?

Relationship check in questions: sex

1. What are your sexual needs?

Your partner wants to pleasure you.

Women get a thrill from being the best lover you’ve ever had. 

Knowing this, you can see why it’s so important for both partners to be active receivers during sex. Do you like to talk dirty to your girlfriend? Say it how you like it. 

Even more essential is not to fall into the trap of people-pleasing with your partner. If a certain move or act elicits a lukewarm response in your body, it’s time to step up. Request a switch up, whether that’s pace, position, or pressure!

2. What’s one thing you want me to do to you that I haven’t done?

If a man’s aim is to get his woman excited, this is a good question. Not only does this get her imagination churning, but asked directly, there is a definite command in this relationship question.

Many women enjoy the experience of having their partner control and dominate in the bedroom. In contrast to her everyday life, his woman can release the pressure of performing to ridiculously high expectations. 

So, essentially he’s giving her this opening to lean into her kinky side and fulfill her secret desires.

Bonus: If you’re in a long distance relationship, the anticipation of what you’ll do to her will amp up the electricity tenfold.

3. How can I make you feel more appreciated?

Asking this question shows how much you care for your partner. You’re missing out on an opportunity for connection when you don’t reveal your girlfriend’s importance to you.

Being appreciated gives someone a deep sense of meaning and purpose in their lives— but only if they know it. So, fully present as she speaks and put her answer to good use by reminding her daily of how much she enriches your life.

4. What turns you on/off?

 retro on and off switch

Imagine how your romantic relationship would transform if both of you had this knowledge to hand. You may know what your woman loves, but according to the Journal of Sex Research, “Sixty-seven percent of heterosexual women admitted to occasionally faking orgasm.

That’s the majority of women!


Because women know that men need to feel sexually competent. That he can thoroughly satisfy his woman. She doesn’t want him to feel sexually inept.

A great time for this deep question is during pillow talk. Your lover needs to feel relaxed and not as though you are simply looking for praise. You want her to open up, and express her desires.

Spend time getting into specifics here.

Bonus: afterward, discuss what turns you on. For example, tell her your favorite thing you want to explore next. Pique her interest.

Enjoy how both relationship issues and your sex life is improved upon after quality communication.

Relationship check in questions: growth

5. How can I support your evolution?

In a successful relationship, both partners show up not just to make life easier and more comfortable for each other. Instead, they work to create mutual growth through their bond.

Asking how you can help your lover grow to reach their fullest potential shows your respect for them.

Your woman can see through your eyes how valuable she is.

You’re displaying:

  • Your belief that she is capable of achieving anything she desires and;
  • Your genuine dedication to support that.

That is enough to drive your woman wild.

But, also, know that carrying through with this makes her grow, creates a balanced relationship, and calls on your divine Masculine to step up and rise up stronger.

6. What is your purpose in life?

Many people are never asked this question. By anyone. In their entire lives!

Look around, and you’ll see the world is full of people rushing around. But for what?

There is a blind panic underlying how our world operates. Be the man that helps his partner see her real purpose in life. This isn’t about control, and sometimes the blindfold can’t come off in one go. For electric sex and true intimacy, both partners have to be fulfilled in their own lives and passions.

Think about it this way. Your other half feels stuck in a dull and unfulfilling job. You can’t expect her to come home to you with anything but an empty battery and a feeling of frustration.

7. What are you insecure about?

This question dives into the deep end of a woman’s shame and guilt, so it’s best to pose it when she’s not feeling extremely vulnerable.

Ultimately, you’re showing up as the man she can rely upon to hold her scars with care and love. There is strength in this empathy.

Try not to rush and convince her she’s perfect. Instead, listen, encourage and commend her honesty.

Over time, the couple that explores the shadow sides become less reactive. Also, they gain the ability to consciously see what their arguments are really about. The blame game dissipates, past hurts heal and connection wildly increases.

You don’t need to be your partner’s therapist. Instead, you simply need to let her know that she deserves to love herself unconditionally.

Relationship check in questions: expectations


Boost your confidence, master your sexuality, and find your purpose.

So you can reignite the passion in your relationship or attract your perfect woman.

8. What is one thing each of us could improve upon in this relationship?

Seriously, be careful with the wording here. Not because women are fragile, but words can be hurtful. Rather than hashing petty misgivings, focus on ways that both of you can invest in the relationship and both reap the rewards.

Areas that this question applies to are:

  • Sex
  • Finances
  • Workload distribution
  • Quality time
  • Romance and date night
  • Space

As a couple, you will have different needs in a relationship. As a man, you can choose to own your Divine Masculine energy and put in the work. Your partner will automatically mirror your positive action as you begin taking responsibility for the long term goals and future of the relationship.

9. What are your goals within our relationship?

happy couple eating watermelon in the pool

This important question is great for a couple to check in with the larger picture of the relationship. Unfortunately, partners in a long term relationship often forget to connect in this way.

They wait until a toxic relationship is all that remains. Until they reach a breaking point and throw money at a couples therapist to save both of them from the brink of a mental health breakdown.

Goals make you a team.

So discuss early these ambitions and know a relationship goal makes life exciting, and let’s not forget ambition is a major turn-on.

Relationship check in questions: emotional intelligence

10. “Do you have any mixed feelings?”

When a man asks these questions, he’s showing a high level of emotional intelligence. This lion-hearted lover knows the complexity of emotions and is comfortable beyond the boundary of black and white thinking. 

Women find men incredibly sexy when they can hold her conflicted emotions— especially towards intimacy— without becoming defensive or making it about them.

11. What makes you feel connected to me?

Emotional intimacy is a key requirement for a striving, passionate relationship. But, the mistake many men make is confusing emotional intelligence with being weak or undesirable.

Self-assured men check in often. Good relationship questions are simple, honest, and create closeness.

Also, he is actively preventing the snowball of minor annoyances that send the relationships into couples therapy in the long run.

12. What makes you feel disconnected from me?

Many toxic relationships stem from ignorance and feeling disconnected.

Be raw and vulnerable.

You’d be surprised how rare it is for men to admit that they are not perfect, but are willing to improve.

Social media has warped our expectations of a healthy relationship. Meaningful conversation helps open both partners up to how they can better serve their partner and builds trust in the relationship.

And no doubt, this is a good thing whether for a marriage or a new relationship.

13. How do you like to be appreciated?

Leaving romance for Valentine’s day and birthdays isn’t enough for a woman. They need their husband or boyfriend to value their unique feminine power and beauty— body and soul.

You need to worship your woman.

This is what women really want in a relationship.

The important thing is not to expect anything back. However, if you carry through on your woman’s desires, she will naturally want to worship you just as tenderly and erotically as you do with her. So take the lead, men.

Summary and take control of passion and intimacy in your relationship

Meaningful conversation creates connection, but there’s more to blasting your relationship to new heights of pleasure and intimacy.

If you’re ready to receive the knowledge to take control of your power as a man in your relationship— this free masterclass training is for you.

Whether you are a single man or needing to reignite your relationship, these wisdom teachings by relationship expert, Steffo Shambo, are for you. They contain the practical, refined and truly life changing steps to create new levels of intimacy and passion you didn’t think were possible before.


Should you have relationship check ins?


And they don’t need to be formal— this can make the conversations feel like a chore. Instead, take time while cuddling before sleep to touch base— especially if relationship check in questions are a new concept for you both.

How do you ask for a relationship check in?

Again, it doesn’t need to be formal. Whatever you need to discuss, ask your partner for time to connect and explore your relationship.

What are some deep relationship questions?

Explore these 13 deep relationship check in questions to expand the potential of your relationship.

An open and honest conversation will help bring you and your partner closer together by building trust, mutual understanding and compassion. Gottman relationship checkup can also be useful for further inspiration.

What are examples of long distance relationship questions?

Without a doubt, communication is fundamental for a long distance relationship. These relationship check in questions help to maintain the spark, build anticipation and feel connected despite the miles between you.

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Steffo Shambo

Steffo Shambo

Men's Tantric Relationship Coach

Steffo Shambo is the founder of The Tantric Man Experience. The #1 masculine mentorship program in the world, where he’s helping men master confidence, sexuality, & purpose to reignite the passion in their relationship or attract a meaningful relationship. He’s on a mission to spread a conscious sexual revolution for men worldwide so that they can show up as integrated partners, fathers, and leaders.

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