Top 13 Relationship Check-in Questions For An Epic Love Life

Steffo Shambo

Updated on Nov 22, 2023
Relationship check-in questions

Relationship check in questions aren’t just nice-to-haves. They’re your GPS to a happy love life. 

Without checking in with your partner, you might as well drive blindfolded into a field full of emotional landmines while blasting “I Will Survive” on the radio. In the middle of this mayhem, it can feel like there’s no way out— that’s what this article is for.

The questions in this article will help you reignite the spark and create a surge of intimacy with your lover. 

Whether you’re in the first year of your relationship or a newly married couple, this is for you. Do yourself and your partner a favor by avoiding the tornado of confusion and disconnection. 

In this guide, I’ll share the right questions to ask across the following categories:

  • Sex — because who doesn’t want to keep that fire ablaze?
  • Growth — aka, becoming the Arnold Schwarzenegger of emotional and spiritual muscle.
  • Expectations — a roadmap for your love life, not just what you want for dinner.
  • Emotional Intelligence — think of this as unlocking telepathy in your relationship. 

Ready to bring back the fireworks? Let’s roll.

What are relationship check-in questions?

Relationship check-in questions allow you to discuss how you can improve your relationship with your partner. For example, you can discuss how you could improve or fix communication in your relationship. 

It’s an opportunity to talk through any underlying or potential issues. It’s also an opportunity to appreciate the good things about your relationship. 

Some of these check-ins can be questions for new relationships or for couples who have been married for years. Whether as an informal or formal discussion, this gives you the chance to do the following: 

  • Connect on a deeper level
  • Explore new things together
  • Grow emotionally closer to one another

And if your sexual life is already amazing, that’s good news. These questions will only make intimacy better and sexier.

How to have healthy relationship check-ins with your partner

Here are the steps to have a successful relationship check-in: 

  • Find a time that works 
  • Positive framing
  • Ask each other questions equally
  • Listen before you speak

Each of these steps is important to prevent detachment and maintain relationship satisfaction. 

emotional couple

Find a time that works 

Work together to find a time that works best for both of you. This should be where you can be relaxed and fully present. One common time that usually works is just before going to bed. 

Timing is also important. Consider how she’s feeling. If she’s currently got a lot on her plate and worrying about things like work deadlines, find another time that would work better for her. 

Positive framing

Here’s what to say to make your partner anxious: 

  • “I need to talk to you about something” 
  • “We really need to talk” 
  • “There’s something serious I want to discuss” 

These are the worst ways to start a relationship check-in. A woman’s relationship needs are primarily emotional. Therefore, start with something positive about the relationship that would make her feel good before getting to some of the sensitive points. 

Ask each other questions equally

It’s not a job interview, so don’t make it one-sided where it’s only you asking her questions. Let her ask you questions, too. This makes it clear that you’re thoughtful of her feelings. It also shows you value her.

However, don’t force her. Take your time and let the conversation flow naturally. 

Listen before you speak

To say it bluntly, shut up and listen when she speaks. In this situation, she’s opening up to you about her needs. Meaning she’s showing you her vulnerable side. Hence, show her your empathy and that you’re paying close attention to her. 

Don’t steer the conversation so that it’s all about you. Being automatically defensive and challenging her is a big relationship mistake. Remember, you’re on the same team. 

Here are the top relationship questions for checking in 

These are the top questions to ask your partner:

  1. What are your sexual preferences?
  2. What’s one thing you want me to do to you that I haven’t done?
  3. How can I make you feel more appreciated?
  4. What turns you on/off?
  5. How can I support you in your journey to personal development?
  6. What is your purpose in life?
  7. What are you insecure about?
  8. What is one thing we could improve upon in this relationship?
  9. What are your goals within this relationship?
  10. Do you have any mixed feelings?
  11. What makes you feel connected to me?
  12. What makes you feel disconnected from me?
  13. How do you like to be appreciated?

Each of these goes under four categories, as mentioned at the beginning of this article. We’ll go through each of them below. 

Sex life check-in questions

All the questions in this category focus on your sex life. Use these to find out how you can improve your sexual relationship with your partner. 

1. What are your sexual preferences?

Your partner wants to pleasure you.

Women get a thrill from being the best lover you’ve ever had. 

Knowing this, you can see why it’s so important for both partners to be active receivers during sex. 

So, go ahead and talk dirty to your girlfriend. Say it how you like it. 

More importantly, say it like you really mean it. 

Even more essential is not to fall into the trap of people-pleasing with your partner. If a particular move or act elicits a lukewarm response in your body, it’s time to step up. Request a switch-up, whether that’s pace, position, or pressure!

2. What’s one thing you want me to do to you that I haven’t done?

If a man’s aim is to get his woman excited, this is a good question. Not only does this get her imagination churning, but if asked directly, there is a definite command in this relationship question.

Not sure where to start? There’s a tonne of bedroom sex ideas to drive her wild, such as oral sex games.  

Many women enjoy the experience of having their partner control and dominate in the bedroom. In contrast to her everyday life, his woman can release the pressure of performing to ridiculously high expectations. 

Essentially, he’s giving her this opening to lean into her kinky side and fulfill her secret desires.

Bonus: If you’re in a long-distance relationship, anticipating what you’ll do to her will amp up the electricity tenfold.

3. How can I make you feel more appreciated?

Asking this question shows how much you care for your partner. You’re missing out on an opportunity for connection when you don’t reveal how much your girlfriend means to you.

Being appreciated gives someone a deep sense of meaning and purpose in their lives—but only if they know it. So, be fully present as she speaks and put her answer to good use by reminding her daily how much she enriches your life. 

Haven’t had sex in a while

Going on without sex for a long time can affect your relationship satisfaction. If this is the case, you can expand on the initial question by discussing each other’s sexual needs.

4. What turns you on/off?

retro on-off switch

Imagine how your romantic relationship would transform if you knew what gets your partner wet and dry.

Think you know what your woman loves? It’s worth confirming it because research suggests otherwise. Here’s an excerpt taken from the Journal of Sex Research

“Sixty-seven percent of heterosexual women admitted to occasionally faking orgasm.

That’s the majority of women!

Why?

Because women know that men need to feel sexually competent, otherwise, the man won’t be confident enough to try and give it his all to satisfy his woman. 

In other words, she doesn’t want him to feel sexually inept.

A great time for this deep question is during pillow talk. Spend time getting into specifics here.

Your lover needs to feel relaxed and not like you are simply looking for praise. You want her to open up and express her desires.

Bonus: Talk about what turns you on, not just what turns her on. For example, tell her your favorite thing you want to explore next. 

Personal growth check-in questions

Growth doesn’t stop once you get into a relationship. In fact, it continues. And if you’re in a healthy relationship, it continues faster because of your partner’s support. 

Stronger personal growth in a relationship only works when you understand how to support each other. That’s what these questions are for. 

5. How can I support you in your journey to personal development?

In a successful relationship, both partners show up not just to make life easier and more comfortable for each other. Instead, they work to create mutual growth through their bond.

Asking how you can help your lover grow to reach their fullest potential shows your respect for them.

Your woman can see through your eyes how valuable she is.

You’re displaying:

  • Belief that she can achieve anything she desires 
  • Genuine dedication to support her goals

Know that carrying through with this makes her grow, creates a balanced relationship, and calls on your divine masculinity to step up to the plate.

6. What is your purpose in life?

Look around. You’ll see the world is full of people rushing around. 

But for what?

There is a blind panic underlying how our world operates. Be the man that helps his partner see her real purpose in life. This isn’t about control, and sometimes the blindfold can’t come off in one go. 

For electric sex and true intimacy, both partners have to be fulfilled in their own lives and passions.

Think about it this way. 

Your other half feels stuck in a dull and unfulfilling job. You can’t expect her to come home to you with anything but an empty battery and a feeling of frustration.

7. What are you insecure about?

This question dives into the deep end of a woman’s shame and guilt, so it’s best to pose it when she’s not feeling extremely vulnerable.

Ultimately, you’re showing up as the man she can rely on to hold her scars with care and love. 

There is strength in empathy. A report by NCBI revealed that higher cognitive empathy and support are both directly related. 

So, don’t rush and convince her she’s perfect. 

Instead, listen, encourage, and commend her honesty.

Over time, the couple that explores the shadow sides becomes less reactive. Also, they gain the ability to see what their arguments are really about consciously. The blame game dissipates, past hurts heal, and connection increases.

You don’t need to be your partner’s therapist. Simply remind her that she deserves to love herself unconditionally.

Relationship expectations check-in questions

Revisit the boundaries and make expectations clear. This helps ensure that you and your partner are on the same page. 

8. What is one thing we could improve upon in this relationship?

Seriously, be careful with the wording here. Not because women are fragile, but words can be hurtful. 

Rather than hashing petty misgivings, focus on how you can both invest in the relationship where there’s mutual benefit.

Areas that this question applies to are:

  • Sex
  • Finances
  • Workload distribution
  • Quality time
  • Romance and date night
  • Space

As a couple, you will have different needs in a relationship. 

But as a man, you can choose to own your divine masculine energy and put in the work. Your partner will automatically mirror your positive action with her feminine energy. However, this first requires you to take responsibility for the relationship’s future.

9. What are your goals within our relationship?

happy couple eating watermelon in the pool

This important question is great for couples to check in with the bigger picture of the relationship. 

Unfortunately, partners in a long-term relationship often get complacent. They wait until a toxic relationship is all that remains. It’s only until they reach a breaking point and throw money at couples therapists and relationship coaches to save them from the brink of a mental health breakdown.

Goals make you a team.

Discuss your objectives and form a relationship that makes life exciting. And let’s not forget that ambition is a major turn-on.

Emotional intelligence check-in questions

Lastly, check in on her emotional needs. These questions related to emotional intelligence will help you unveil underlying problems and potential relationship issues. 

10. “Do you have any mixed feelings?”

This question shows a high level of emotional intelligence. 

Men who ask this are lion-hearted lovers who know the complexity of emotions. It shows you’re comfortable beyond the boundary of black-and-white thinking. 

Women find men incredibly sexy when they can hold their conflicted emotions, especially towards intimacy, without becoming defensive or making it about them.

11. What makes you feel connected to me?

The mistake many men make is confusing emotional intelligence with being weak or undesirable.

Emotional intimacy is a key requirement for a striving, passionate relationship. 

Self-assured men check in often on their emotions. They actively prevent the snowball of minor annoyances that send the relationships into couples therapy in the long run.

12. What makes you feel disconnected from me?

Many toxic relationships stem from ignorance and feeling disconnected. Why? Because they’re never on the same page, leading to misunderstandings. 

Be raw and vulnerable. You’d be surprised how rare it is for men to admit that they are not perfect but are willing to improve.

Social media has warped our expectations of a healthy relationship. Meaningful conversation helps open both partners up to how they can better serve their partner and builds trust in the relationship.

13. How do you like to be appreciated?

Leaving romance for Valentine’s Day and birthdays isn’t enough for a woman. They need their husband or boyfriend to value their unique feminine power and beauty— body and soul.

You need to compliment your woman healthily

The important thing is not to expect anything back. However, if you carry through on your woman’s desires, she will naturally want to worship you just as tenderly and erotically as you do with her. So take the lead, men.

How often should you check in on your relationship?

Here’s how often you could check in on your relationship: 

  • Daily
  • Weekly
  • Bi-weekly
  • Monthly

Ultimately, it depends on what works best for you and your partner. Not everyone’s schedules allow them to check in daily. 

Weekly and monthly check-ins work, too. The most important thing is not to start having them when things go sour. Discuss early before any problems even arise. 

It’s best to start your check-ins as soon as possible, especially when things are going well.

Conclusion: Make sure you’re on the same page

Well, gents, you know what to do. It’s time for a little chit-chat with your partner—a serious chit-chat with these relationship check-in questions. 

Now, do you want to be the rightful master of your love domain? 

The truth is that it’s not about having the best pick-up lines or paying for the most expensive dinner dates. Nope, it’s about stepping up into your masculine frame in a way that would make Thor drop his hammer in awe. 

And that’s why I brewed up a free relationship masterclass. This is where I share all the good stuff to bring back the love, trust, and passion with your partner single-handedly. 

By the end, you’ll know exactly how to transform your love life for the better completely. 

FAQS

Should you have relationship check-ins?

Definitely, but a relationship check-in doesn’t have to be so formal. Otherwise, it’ll make the conversation feel like a chore. So, instead, get the timing right—spare enough time to cuddle before going to sleep to touch base. This is one good example of starting relationship check-ins, especially when you’re both new to the concept. 

How do you ask for a relationship check-in?

First, make sure you both have the time to discuss whatever it is you want to discuss. Then, you can casually bring up the positive side of what you want to discuss before getting to the main point. For example, start the relationship check-in by first asking her what she most enjoys about your relationship lately. 

What are some deep relationship questions?

Anything related to your happiness and spiritual growth. For instance, what is your purpose in life? Important topics for a relationship check-in include sex, personal growth, expectations, and emotional intelligence. 

An open and honest conversation will help bring you and your partner closer together by building trust, mutual understanding, and compassion. 

What are examples of long-distance relationship questions?

How could we improve our ability to communicate with each other more intimately? Good long-distance relationship questions revolve around time and communication. These are the core pillars to maintain the spark, build anticipation, and feel connected despite the miles between you. 

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Steffo Shambo

Steffo Shambo

Men's Tantric Relationship Coach

Steffo Shambo is the founder of The Tantric Man Experience. The #1 masculine mentorship program in the world, where he’s helping men master confidence, sexuality, & purpose to reignite the passion in their relationship or attract a meaningful relationship. He’s on a mission to spread a conscious sexual revolution for men worldwide so that they can show up as integrated partners, fathers, and leaders.

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