Sexual Mastery: 5 Steps To Become An Unforgettable Lover

Steffo Shambo

Updated on Aug 22, 2022
Man and woman in the bed

Sexual mastery. It’s a heavy term and a big statement to throw around. Can one ever truly master anything? Possibly not, for there are always more things to learn. But when it comes to sex, there are some simple steps that you can take to move towards a more masterful, heartfelt way of lovemaking.

Table of Contents

Sex in the 21st century – gratifying, but not satisfying

Most people are experiencing sex that gives fulfilment only upon a very basic, surface level. It is gratifying in that it releases tension and gives a feeling of release. Sadly, these people have absolutely no idea what they are missing out on. They are barely scratching the surface of what is possible.

This is especially true for men. It is a sad fact that the vast majority of males have no IDEA how MUCH pleasure they are capable of experiencing, or of giving.

If this sums up your attitude towards sexual intimacy, I am here to tell you that you have the potential to experience unlimited amounts of sexual pleasure, as well as provide it. You simply need to fine-tune your tools.

It is my joy to work with men from all over the world and to guide them on their journey towards a more masterful way of making love.

Today I’m going to share with you five easy, practical steps you can take to strive for sexual self mastery. These real world techniques are simple yet terribly effective. They are taken directly from my coaching program, which focuses on sacred sexuality practices for men. I have seen them work time and time again with my clients, moving them from mediocre to masterful lovers. Putting on a poor sexual performance can ruin a man’s confidence. But this means that the opposite is also true.

Want to transform yourself from the inside out and reach unimaginable levels of sexual confidence, prowess and assertion? If the answer is yes, keep reading!

What is sexual mastery?

Before we dive into the techniques, let’s take a look at what how to be good in bed actually entails, along with what it does not.

Anything related to sex usually has some bravado and nonsense ideas attached to it. Sexual mastery is no exception. In fact, it has TONNES of nonsense attached to it. Let’s debunk a bit of that right now.

Contrary to popular belief, sexual mastery is not:

  • Having a big penis
  • Knowing the whole of the kama sutra off by heart
  • Being able to sweet-talk women into bed with you
  • Being particularly dominant or particularly submissive
  • Having learned and perfected a certain ‘technique’, such as how to make her squirt or give good oral.

All of the above of course come into the picture. But as standalone or cumulative factors, they do not make a man masterful at sex.

What makes a man masterful in the bedroom is much more closely tied to his energy. His presence, his attitude towards his partner and the lovemaking itself. Ask any woman to describe her greatest, most extraordinary lovers. It won’t be the ones who had the best sexual techniques or the biggest cocks. It will be those who were the most attentive, engaged and tuned in with her.

In order to achieve that level of presence? You need to learn to control your sexual energy. Once you have harnessed your sexual energy, a whole new world of lovemaking will be opened to you. Once you step through that door, you will never want to go back.

The marrying of sex and spirituality

On the other side of that door, sex takes on a whole new essence. No longer solely about sexual satisfaction or multiple orgasms, lovemaking becomes a way to taste the divine.

Taoist sexual health practices have been around for thousands of years. For the ancients, such work occupied a central position in their traditions. In their ancient texts, regular sex is considered the secret to remaining ever-youthful.

And indeed, when sex and spirituality become married, the result is an enlivening of one’s being. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. We are uplifted. Our eyes shine. Our skin glows. We radiate love from the inside out. You have probably felt this in your own life. The day after some really great sex you feel charged with an invisible force. Women in particular, due to the variety and intensity of orgasms they can experience, feel particularly open, healed and radiant after an incredible lovemaking session. Through G-spot and cervical orgasms, women can have transcendental experiences, laugh until their sides hurt or cry rivers of healing tears.

It is this ability to hold the space and turn a physical act into a deeply profound one that makes a man masterful in bed.

Sexual mastery = fucking her open to God

But in order to be able to fuck her open to God, a man needs to be in control of his ejaculation. Ejaculation control must come easily to him. Fucking her open to God takes a great deal of presence and sexual confidence. If you are stuck in your head worrying about whether or not you are going to c*m, you will not be present, or able to penetrate her for a long enough period of time for the deeper, more powerful orgasms to happen. This is why sexual energy control is so vital.

When you have harnessed your sexual energy, you will be able to ravish a woman from head to toe. It is commonly recognized in the world of sex and tantra that women are like crock pots, and men like microwaves. Men are quick to heat up and quick to cool down (via ejaculatory orgasm and the long refractory period). Although they are slow to warm up and bring to the boil, women are also slow to cool down. They can go on for hours and hours and are often left feeling unsatisfied and under f*cked by ‘standard’ love making.

Women are satisfied with unsatisfactory sex

An unhappy woman in pajamas sits on the bedroom floor looking at her smartphone

Frankly, the proportion of men who are aware, let alone in control of their sexual energy, is very small. This is one of the major contributing factors to the orgasm gap, which is the massive disparity between men and women when it comes to orgasming during sex.

Most women are used to a bit of foreplay followed by 5-15 minutes of penetration, depending on the personal sexual stamina of the man. Maybe she will have an orgasm before penetration, but only maybe. After foreplay, it’s usually all about him. Striding towards that ejaculation like a horse towards the finishing posts. Women these days are chronically underfucked and unsatisfied.

The sad thing is that the majority of them don’t even KNOW that they are unsatisfied. They have a clitoral orgasm (maybe), and they think that that is all the pleasure they are capable of. But they are actually unsatisfied, and capable of achieving so much more pleasure. Women are oblivious to the endless possibilities of sex and think they just don’t like it very much.

This is something us men must strive to change. A woman will never forget the first man with whom she really started to enjoy and look forward to sex. Even if the encounter were just for one night. What a privilege it would be – to be that man?

5 steps towards sexual mastery

But where on Earth to start with all of this? The idea of sex being a portal to God might be something that you have heard before. It could also be completely new to you and quite overwhelming. Although if the latter, I would be willing to bet that it resonates with you on some level.

Regardless of where you are in your spiritual journey, I will give you 5 easy steps you can take towards becoming a sexually masterful man. The common thread between these steps is that they will help you to control your sexual energy.

Sexual energy is the most powerful force on Earth. We must learn to work with it. Otherwise, we can suffer from too high or too low libido, addictions, erectile dysfunction, compulsive behavior and a host of other issues.

If you’re ready to learn more about your sexual energy and how to control it, let’s get going with the steps:

Step 1. Become emotionally open

You may be wondering what being emotionally open has to do with being a better lover. The truth is, it has everything to do with it.

Unfortunately, a lot of men are emotionally shut down or unavailable. This is often (but not always) due to having an avoidant attachment style and therefore fearing intimacy.

Our soul yearns to drop the masks and surrender. But the mind resists in favor of remaining in safety.

And we do remain safe, but at the expense of the innermost desire of our hearts: to merge with another.

When we are emotionally closed off, our partner feels it. Even if they are not consciously aware of what is happening, their response will be one of mirroring. They will not be able to let go and surrender themselves. And amazing sex is about just that – surrender.

Emotional opening is another subject in itself. Admitting you have a problem is always the first step. After that comes educating yourself. Thankfully, society now largely recognizes the issue of emotional unavailability. Books such as ‘The Emotionally Unavailable Man’ can be of great use. Sometimes psychotherapy is also needed. In all cases, make sure you communicate with your partner. Simply hearing you admit that you have a problem will likely bring them great comfort.


Boost your confidence, master your sexuality, and find your purpose.
So you can reignite the passion in your relationship or attract your perfect woman.

Step 2. Breathe slowly and deeply

The second step to sexual mastery is recognizing the inseparability of the breath and sexual energy.

Our breath should flow through our body like an electrical current. When it does, sexual energy flows with it in tandem.

When our breathing is suppressed, as it is in most people 90% of the time, our sexual energy is also suppressed. In today’s society, we are more stressed than ever. The primary, automatic bodily response to stress is rapid and shallow breathing. This activates the sympathetic nervous system even further and we become trapped in a vicious cycle.

When it comes to making love, shallow and rapid breathing means shallow and rapid(ly over) sex! Ejaculation is a response of the sympathetic nervous system. Have you ever experienced performance anxiety right before you were about to have sex and then ejaculated extremely quickly after penetration? The reason for this is simple. It was because your sympathetic nervous system was all fired up. This caused hypersensitivity and poor ejaculation control. Am I making sense?

Thankfully the reverse is also true. Slow and deep breathing means slow, deep and powerful sex.

A visualization technique

Whilst making love, inhale all the way down the front of the body to the genitals. Exhale up the spine to the top of the head. Visualize a white current of light flowing around your body with the movement of the breath. This will bring you into your body and activate the delicious parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system relaxes us, allowing for greater ejaculation control and heightened pleasure.

Note: most of us are so used to rapid and shallow breathing that we do not even realise we are doing it. Before you take this new way of breathing into your sex life, try it alone first. By this I mean during masturbation.

Synchronized breathing

Another breathing technique you can use during sex love is synchronized breathing. Synchronized breathing exercises feature highly in tantra. This is no coincidence. The joining of the breath is a wonderful way to create intimacy and presence.

The effects are heightened during sex. When two people make love, their central nervous systems harmonise. Synchronising breathing with your partner will also bring you into greater presence. If she is at all in her sympathetic nervous system, she won’t be able to surrender or to have an orgasm. Through breathing together, you can help her to open up. Opening is absolutely key for women in order for them to enjoy sex.

Synchronized breathing exercises feature highly in tantra. This is because they are wonderful ways to create intimacy between two people. As we have already discussed, intimacy and presence are two must-haves of incredible sex. So

Step 3. Build your tolerance to high levels of energy

The third step towards sexual superpowers is again linked to the nervous system (see the pattern emerging here?). This time, we want to build our tolerance to maintaining high levels of energy.

A master of sex is able to build and build sexual energy without feeling the uncontrollable urge to ejaculate and release the tension.

This can be trained by practicing edging whilst masturbating. To edge, masturbate until you are at 70% of your personal arousal level. Remain at 70% for a while. Then go up to 80%, hover there and eventually up to 90% and 95%.

When you reach 95%, the impulse to have an ejaculatory orgasm will be almost too strong to resist. But you must eventually learn to sustain the high level of arousal without releasing. This is the hallmark of an extraordinary lover. Most men reach the tipping point and fall right over the edge.

From the bedroom to everyday life, stop energy leakages

As you begin to build your tolerance to high levels of sexual energy, copy this skill directly over into your everyday life. Rather than oscillate between periods of extreme highs and lows, try to remain balanced. Maintain a steady, consistent energy level throughout the day.

This usually starts with addressing your relationship to common crutches and addictions. Caffeine is the biggest culprit in our society today. It is used when we are tired or craving a high. Eventually the high energy level becomes unbearable, and we release it somehow. We feel anxious or antsy from the coffee so we go for a run to ‘shake it off’. Then we are left tired and depleted once again. And so on…

If you want to enjoy sacred sexuality, you must move away from this addictive behavioural pattern.

Maintain a steady level of energy. When you do, sexual energy will follow and also flow steadily. You will be less susceptible to premature ejaculation and therefore able to make love for long enough to truly ravish a woman.

Step 4. Positioning of the tongue

Believe it or not, your tiny tongue holds a lot of potential when it comes to sexual mastery. This is due to it’s crucial role in the free flow of sexual energy.

Your sexual energy should flow through your body in one complete circuit. Just like an electrical current, if there is a breakage, the circuit is incomplete and the flow stops.

Keep your tongue resting lightly at the top of your mouth. It should sit just behind the front teeth. This keeps the energy circuit complete. Experiment with your tongue during sex. It is a fantastically powerful part of your body. Join tongues with your partner and feel your two individual circuits merge to become one.

As your overall sexual energy control and sensitivity improves, your tongue will become a master weapon in energy transference. Kissing you will give her shivers. Receiving oral sex will make her spine quiver and her toes curl.

Step 5. Remove the goalposts

I have talked before about the importance of non-goal oriented sex. Today I’m doing so again.

In order to be an amazing lover, you need to forget about orgasms (and then, they will most likely come. Pun not intended).

Sex these days tends to be masculine in nature. That is, goal focused.

Men desperately want to be good lovers. In order to be so, they have a ‘ladies finish first’ attitude towards things. A man trying to be a good lover will typically bring his woman to orgasm before penetration. Either via manual or oral stimulation. She has had an orgasm! Hooray! Onto the next goal: his orgasm. The sexual encounter then becomes all about him. Her orgasm is ticked off so the rest doesn’t matter.

This can make sex feel transactional in nature. A ‘you get yours, I get mine’ kind of affair. Whatsmore, when a woman can feel that there is pressure and expectations to have an orgasm, she often won’t be able to. Pressure and expecations are anxiety-inducing. And even if you feel like you are being subtle and patient, she will feel it and be in her sympathetic nervous system. Unlike men, when women are in their sympathetic nervous system, orgasm is unattainable.

The vicious cycle for a woman who struggles to orgasm

Feeling pressured to orgasm often becomes an viscious cycle for women who find it more difficult to have orgasms. Pressure to orgasm leads to difficulty doing so, and difficulty leads to more even pressure. She is stuck in her head. And most likely, he is too.

But it isn’t just about orgasms. It is about the very essence of the lovemaking as a whole.

When we take away the goalposts, both partners can surrender and be fully in their bodies. Without a specific goal in mind, we are more perceptive to the ebbs and flows. We can then respond appropriately to each subtle shift. In one session we can go from gently caressing and kissing her face to pinning her against the wall and thrusting deep inside of her.

Let it flow and be able to respond to her every movement

The key is to relax and to let things flow naturally. This is a more feminine approach to lovemaking. Feminine energy is dynamic and constantly changing. Just as any lovemaking session is constantly switching gears. Women are unpredictable. If we are to strive for sexual mastery, the way we make love must account for this. Sometimes she will only want deep intimacy, caressing and a lot of eye contact. Other times she will just want to be pinned down and f*cked. But in order to read what she wants, you need to remove the goalposts.

Soccer ball and goal on football field

How tantra can help you to achieve sexual mastery

Sexual mastery is about so much more than just the act of intercourse itself. It is about your energy, and your attitude towards life itself.

A man who is truly masterful in the bedroom is a man who is present. He is no longer a slave to his libido, addictive behaviors or unsteady sexual energy. This gives him the presence and awareness to tune into his partner and respond to her every fleeting change of desire. Lovemaking for him is about much more than just fulfilling a primal urge. It is about oneness with God and witnessing the divine in the eyes of his woman.

If you put the time and effort into developing this kind of presence, you will have a deeply fufilling love and sex life. It isn’t easy, though. Follow the steps given in this article and you are sure to get somewhere. Things like emotionally opening and working with the positioning of the tongue are incredibly powerful, but there is much more to be learned.

If you are enticed by the contents of this article and want to get a taste of what tantra truly has to offer, you can take my free training for men here. I have one for single men and one for men in a committed relationship. No matter what stage of life you are at, tantra can open the door for you to become an extraordinary lover – where that is for your current partner, or your future one.

Passionate man pressed a woman's hands to the sand lying on the beach


Why would you want sexual mastery?

When we master something, we get the most out of what it has to offer. Sex has almost limitless potential in terms of intimacy, depth of healing and states of orgasmic bliss. If we strive for sexual mastery, we can begin to tap into this potential.

What is a sexually masterful man?

A sexually masterful man is fully in control of his sexual energy. Able to sustain extremely high levels of arousal for long periods of time, he responds appropriately to his partner’s every ebb, flow and change in desire.

Do I need to see a sex therapist in order to attain sexual mastery?

If you have emotional blockages or trauma, seeing a sex therapist may be necessary. Sexual trauma and emotional blockages are great inhibitors when it comes to sex, intimacy and pleasure.

How important are sex positions for sexual mastery?

Sexual mastery is much more about your energy than positions. I could give you 10 sex positions that will hit a woman’s G-spot and clit at the same time. But if you cannot control yourself for long enough to unlock her, these are pretty much useless. Forget the karma sutra for now and focus on sexual energy control.

How long do you need to practice before you become sexually masterful?

Like anything worth having, sexual mastery doesn’t come easily. It can take many months of dedicated practice to be in control of your sexual energy. If you are consistent, though, small changes will be observable after just a few weeks. Things like being more present in bed can even be instant. It depends on how deeply you are willing to truly surrender.
Steffo Shambo

Steffo Shambo

Men's Relationship Coach

Steffo is the founder of The Tantric Man Experience, the #1 masculine mentorship program in the world. There he helps men in relationships reignite the passion to restore their marriages from the brink of divorce. And single men attract their dream women naturally with success. He's on a mission to guide men towards an intimate and meaningful relationship, and end the war with their sexuality, so they can finally become integrated men, fathers, brothers, husbands, and leaders in the world.

“It meant a paradigm shift in life.” – Patrik, Sweden
“Life-changing experience.” – Antonio, Italy

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