It is hard to find someone to love us if we do not learn how to love ourselves first.
This is easy to say, but much harder to do.
Over the years, I have worked with many men who suffered from self esteem issues to help them repair themselves and find love. Men who, often due to factors in their past, could not find a way to value themselves, who simply did not see themselves as being worthy of love.
In fact, for them, low self esteem was the key reason they were single. Having a poor self image and negative feelings were stopping them from finding a companion.
That is why, when guys ask me how to find love, I tell them that they have to look inside themselves first. If they do that, then love will find them.
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The meaning of low self esteem
When I speak to guys about the impact of low self esteem on their lives, what do they say to me?
The same phrases come up time and time again. Words like “stuck”, “hopeless”, “powerless”.
These are not the only words I notice when speaking to people with low self esteem. People might say “sorry” more or begin sentences with phrases like “I am not sure but…”, or “This is probably wrong…”
Sometimes these guys look like they have everything, but it is important to remember that low self esteem can affect anyone.
Don’t believe me? Just Google, “low self esteem quotes” and you will be presented with a list of famous people who have spoken openly and powerfully about the impact that low self esteem has had on their lives.
Low self esteem impact
Whether you are a Hollywood star or a regular guy looking for love, low self esteem can press the pause button on your life and hold you back from finding the love that you crave.
The fact is, these guys come to me for help because they feel ‘stuck’.
They have low self esteem – meaning that they do not feel that they deserve love. They tell me that they feel sad and lonely or are suffering from a mental health condition or depression because they are unable to find a soulmate. That special person to walk by their side through life.
But how are they ever going to convince someone else to love them if they are unable to first love themselves? This is one of the key ways that poor self esteem impacts men and stops them from finding the true, deep love connection that they long for.
Often the word that these guys will use to describe their situation is ‘hopeless’.
It is not hopeless though.
I promise you, with help, any guy can build healthy self-esteem. This will then change the way that others in the world view them and connect with them.
I know from years of experience, that this is the absolute key to finding happiness. If men can be helped to shift how they see themselves, then everything else starts to fall into place. The soulmate that they are seeking will be within reach and the loneliness they are experiencing can be left behind.
What is low self esteem?
Fundamentally, self-esteem is the extent to which people like themselves and value their achievements.
Many guys who get in touch with me have low self-esteem – meaning that they do not particularly like themselves or attach value to the things they do well.
Does this sound like you? You may not enjoy spending time alone. This is because when you are alone in a room, you do not like the person you are with.
You will also find it difficult to acknowledge the things you do well and to celebrate successes in your life.
Instead, you will focus on the negatives, obsess over failures and mistakes, and avoid situations where you feel you might fail. You may also struggle with negative thought patterns which can lead to mental health problems.
What men often fail to realize is that poor self esteem may be the symptom, but this negative thinking is often the underlying cause.
Of course, all of us will occasionally lack confidence in certain situations. That is not unusual, (in fact, people who never, ever lack confidence are likely to be suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder)!
However, many people who suffer from low self-esteem, meaning they feel unhappy or dissatisfied with themselves most of the time, are unable to find their true love connection.
What causes low self-esteem?
When I speak to guys about this, one of the first questions that they ask me is, “why do I have low self-esteem?”
There is no single answer.
For some men, it is about patterns that were set in an unhappy upbringing. Perhaps by parents or teachers who were often critical of them when they were a child or young person. The lack of positive influences can shape a child’s self esteem, setting patterns in place that have a lifelong impact.
For other men, it is a feeling that has emerged in adulthood. This could be the result of unhealthy, abusive, or toxic relationships, or a general sense of underachievement in their academic, work, or personal lives.
The stresses and strains of modern life can contribute too. Major life events such as relationship breakdown and divorce, or financial problems, can often lead to a lack of self-worth. So can medical issues including mental health problems such as depression or anxiety.
What are the real signs of low self-esteem?
Every man is different, but there are some common signs of low self-esteem that I see time and time again in my work. These are my top 5 signs that you may have low self-esteem issues.
I tell you now, that if you are ticking yes to more than three of these, then the chances are that you have low self-esteem.
If that is the case, then I would urge you to click on my free training at the end of this article. This will give you some practical advice on how to address this and build healthy self esteem across all areas of your life in order to find a deep connection with a soulmate:
5 telltale signs of low self-esteem
1. Constant self-criticism is a common sign.
Do you focus on your weaknesses or shortcomings? Men who are hard on themselves, who always compare themselves unfavorably to others will often have low self-esteem as a root cause. This impacts their life in many ways, leading to anxiety, guilt, shame, or anger. In extreme cases, the impact can be even more severe. A negative self image can lead to the diagnosis of mental disorders such as an anxiety disorder or even suicidal ideation.
2. Repeating negative relationship patterns.
Look at the pattern of relationships you have had in the past. How did those relationships work? Have you had toxic relationships? Did you bend over backward to accommodate your partner? Did you think she was too good for you? Did you ever feel undeserving of their love? If the answer is “yes” then you may well have a low self-esteem issue.
3. Fear of failure.
Compared to people with high self esteem, those with low self-esteem may avoid challenges or difficult situations. This is because they believe that they do not have the abilities needed, so they avoid challenges rather than risk rejection. It may also mean that they start to withdraw from life, and avoid social situations such as dates. Does this sound like you?
4. Low resilience.
This means that you find it hard to cope with changes or life events. Things could be going great, then all of a sudden, a challenge comes from left-field. People with healthy self-esteem take challenges like this in their stride, but men suffering from low self-esteem are often easily derailed by things that they do not anticipate.
5. Seeking escape.
Low self-esteem can often lead people to seek escape or engage in self-harm. This might be through substance abuse, drug abuse, developing an eating disorder, or finding comfort in alcohol. Increasingly, it may also be through the unreal world of online porn.
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Dealing with low self esteem
Addressing low self-esteem starts with learning to be kind to yourself.
Rule number one is to treat yourself as a friend.
Be kind. Be supportive. If you make a mistake, forgive yourself and move on. Negativity and self-criticism fuels low self-esteem. This means that the key thing you need to do is learn how to block out the negative self talk that is holding you back.
You also need to focus on being comfortable being you.
Look, just stop comparing yourself to others. You may have faults, but so does everyone else. It is important to accept these are part of who you are. Don’t allow them to derail your life. Part of that is about letting go of the past. Things that might have hurt you can stay there.
Living in the moment
Just as you should not rake over past mistakes, you should also work on not worrying too much about the future. Rather you need to learn to live in the present moment. Enjoy where you are in life, rather than thinking “if only”, or dreaming of a future that seems out of reach.
Being present in the moment can help to silence that inner critic who feeds your negative beliefs. It is much better to focus on your positive qualities in order to develop a healthy self image that can build positive self esteem.
It is also important to learn to be more assertive. People with negative self esteem will often struggle to clearly express what they want, or expect from others.
This can be a hard skill to master, and can only come if you have a strong sense of self-worth. To assert clearly and confidently what you want as a man starts with you believing that is something you are worthy of and deserve. This is something that women find incredibly attractive and are naturally drawn to.
Finally, take some practical steps too. Cut down on the unhealthy stuff. Drink less. Exercise more.
Regular physical activity isn’t just good for your body, it is also good for your mind. It is a proven way to stave off mental illness and to deal with the negative thoughts that can affect a person’s self esteem. And remember, it does not need to be winning gold at the Olympics. It could be as simple as a short walk each day. Set yourself clear, achievable healthy targets and stick to them.
Harness the power within
If you have a self esteem problem, then this is something that you absolutely have the power to change. But sometimes you need support and guidance to make the breakthrough.
Believe me though, when you do, the effect is truly transformational. Imagine if those feelings of stress, low self confidence, and poor self image simply slipped away? Imagine if a new more confident authentic you were ready to face the world?
If you can achieve that, it doesn’t just change you. It changes how others see and relate to you. That is why, when it comes to finding a true connection with a soulmate, working on yourself has to be the key starting point. You become the kind of person that women want to be with.
I know from my inbox that lots of guys are struggling to find their true love connection. They do not want to walk through life on their own and need help to find that special person. It is low self esteem that is holding them back.
It is to support men like this that I have put together some free training to help build good self esteem needed to find love. This is because I know that if they look within and deal with that issue, then their soulmate connection will be just around the corner for them.
Finding the solution to low self esteem
If anything you have read here sounds like you, then you should definitely give it a watch. It could really help you.
By working on improving your positive self image, and being patient, it is 100% possible to become the sort of man you want to be, and the sort of man that women want to be with.
You can start on that journey today, by watching the training I have pulled together to help guys like you. It doesn’t cost a penny and in it, I explain some of the simple, practical steps you can start to put in place to build healthy self-esteem.
Low self esteem meaning
Low self esteem is having a negative opinion of yourself.
What are the symptoms of low self esteem?
Sufferers will often be highly self-critical. They will often seek to please others and neglect themselves.
Do you feel anxious or uncomfortable in social situations?
This is a classic sign of negative self esteem. It is more than shyness and it will affect the decisions that you make and how you live your life.
What causes low self esteem?
It can be events in childhood, ill health, major life events or toxic and abusive relationships. Each man will be different.
Do you place little value on your work or your own thoughts?
Positive self esteem comes from within. If you get that right, then that is the route to happiness.
How do I deal with low self esteem?
Be kind to yourself and stop seeking only to please others. Become more assertive and set yourself new challenges.
Do you reject or struggle to accept positive feedback from others?
If you do not value yourself you will not accept others valuing you. If this sounds like you, then it is another sign that you need to build positive self esteem.
What can actually help me like and value myself?
There are practical ways to help build positive self-worth. For some simple, practical ideas, start by watching the free training I have put together to help guys like you.
What are the best low self esteem quotes?
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Buddha
“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” Mark Twain
“Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.” Eleanor Roosevelt
Men's Relationship Coach
Steffo is the founder of The Tantric Man Experience, the #1 masculine mentorship program in the world. There he helps men in relationships reignite the passion to restore their marriages from the brink of divorce. And single men attract their dream women naturally with success. He's on a mission to guide men towards an intimate and meaningful relationship, and end the war with their sexuality, so they can finally become integrated men, fathers, brothers, husbands, and leaders in the world.
“It meant a paradigm shift in life.” – Patrik, Sweden
“Life-changing experience.” – Antonio, Italy