How to win your wife back from emotional or physical separation involves more than doing the same things with more intensity.
Doing the same thing and expecting different results is, after all, the definition of insanity. 😉
Winning your wife back involves developing a whole new strategy to overcome what seem to be overwhelming odds to attain a come-from-behind victory.
We never learn in school how to create a great marriage; it’s a skill you have to develop and learn yourself.
If you want to be good at marriage, you have to practice to develop the skill. And then, everything you want from a marriage can be yours.
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Telltale signs that you’re about to lose your wife
If you are struggling in your marriage, I am going to share with you some steps you can take to win back the love and adoration of your wife.
But before we get into that, here are some warning signs that you could be about to lose your wife, and that you must take action now, before it’s too late:
- You’re in a sexless, lackluster marriage
- When you do come around to having sex, it often feels obligatory, pitiful, and ends prematurely
- She feels more like a roommate rather than a passionate lover
- You don’t go on romantic dates anymore
- There is no sparkle in her eyes anymore when she looks at you
- Silent treatment or grunts of ‘mmhmm’ instead of deep conversations into the night (also known as ‘stonewalling’
- She’s complaining about small things, all the time
- Conversations are mostly about the household, children, and chores
- You feel like you’re in a repetitive rut, groundhog day-esque, with little time for connection and bonding
7 steps for how to win your wife back
If you’ve identified with several (or all) of the telltale signs above, then your marriage is in hot water. But fear not! Things can always be turned around.
Here are my 7 best steps to win your wife back and make her fall in love with you again:
1. Take ownership of the situation
From my free training “take ownership” – don’t blame your wife, life, circumstances, income, work, or God for the state of the marriage.
It is all too tempting, nowadays, to resort to blaming others for the state of your marriage.
Whether it be COVID, your wife’s colleague, in-laws, the kids, or Universal forces. Stop passing the buck, and start taking responsibility.
The sooner you do this, the sooner you can start healing things. If you perpetually lay the blame on other influences, you will never be able to fix things, since you cannot control them.
2. Understand “penalty flags”
Penalty flags are things that you can do to hurt your chances of healing your marriage and relationship.
If you want to know how to win your wife back, you must understand these few practical things. And if these efforts to get your wife (or ex-wife) back fail, they will serve you well in the future. It makes sense to avoid all of the penalty flags for healthy future relationships.
I’ll briefly run through the penalty flags below:
Passing the buck, or placing blame, is the first penalty flag.
Humans are allowed to make mistakes. That is part of the human condition. But blaming others is when we fall as men.
Regardless of past wrongs and whether she’s left or not, you must take full responsibility for the state of your marriage. It takes two to tango. Both of you have likely been hurt, said hurtful things, and spoken harsh words.
It is time for both of you to lay down your guns. You must accept responsibility for the emotional pain that you have caused each other. And also to the relationship and marriage itself.
If you are struggling with your mental health, you can seek professional help with this to assist the process.
This penalty flag involves getting others (such as family members) on your side.
Whether this is your kids or a trusted friend who does not share the same roof. The rule here is the same.
Keep your feelings, hurt, and anger for your mental health professional. Dragging others into your marriage problems will only serve to divide you further.
If you want to make your wife fall in love with you again, stay calm. Being overly forward with others about your relationship problems will not help.
Even if you think that you are doing this on the down low. Trust me, your spouse sees everything, and turning to others should be a last resort.
You entered this marriage as a pair and you will save the marriage as a pair, too.
Next is one of Julie and John Gottman’s four horsemen of the apocalypse. Criticism is another important penalty flag.
Any amount of criticism will hurt your relationship and your marriage. No matter how small.
If you feel like pointing out your wife’s flaws, think again. They are likely a reflection of your flaws. Or they are triggering feelings of pain inside of you.
Instead of placing focus on the actions of your spouse, have a healthy conversation. Use the principles of non-violent communication, meaning that you focus on ‘I’ statements and avoid ‘you’.
This will help your wife feel less incriminated. She will therefore react less defensively, making her more receptive to your words.
Instead of pointing out what she has done wrong, talk about YOUR feelings. And always offer a solution.
I really can’t stress the importance of this one enough. So many marriages fail due to this. Criticism triggers an avalanche of other problems.
To be a good husband, you must avoid criticizing your wife at all costs.
Otherwise, divorce looms on your horizon. How to win your wife back does not include criticism.
You shouldn’t be emotionally needy in your sex life. And it is just as bigger a problem in your marriage relationship.
Despite your anxiety, give your wife space. Even during physical separation.
Love grows in the space between. Don’t bombard her with texts and calls. Nor should you demand to know what she’s thinking. Ignore the constant bleating of your anxious mind. Let your absence do the talking.
If your wife tells you that she needs some physical or emotional distance, hear her.
It can be hard to keep your mind occupied when taking space in your relationship or marriage.
But you must do it.
Take action to build your own life. Enrich your existence and make new friends, or explore some new hobbies. This will put less pressure on your wife and your relationship.
Making temporary changes doesn’t work though, FYI. If you do manage to win your wife back by giving your wife space, you must maintain the changes you have made in your life.
This will not only contribute to your happiness, but it will also help your marriage a great deal.
If you don’t maintain the changes, you risk becoming needy again. Problems with your marriage and relationship will return. And you’ll be back at square one. This is a place no one wants to be!
Another penalty flag is putting a time limit on things. Remember, there are no shortcuts to any place worth going. And if you want to make your wife fall in love with you again? You must master the elusive art of patience.
Both you and your wife must accept that marriage takes time to be rebuilt. You can’t hurry the process. This is one of the greatest lessons about life that marriage can teach you.
The feminine processes hurt differently from the masculine. It will take your wife a while to see her husband in a new light. Forgiving her husband for a past wrong is not easy. She will likely come up against much resistance.
Don’t pressure her. Give this unique, thinking, and feeling person space. Respect the need for some physical or emotional separation.
Meanwhile, you can rebuild other elements of your life. This creates a healthy foundation for a relationship and a marriage.
Don’t lose hope just because it has been a few months since you started trying to win your wife back. Marriages don’t fall apart instantaneously. And marriages do not heal instantaneously, either.
Being overly physical
The last of the penalty flags may come as a surprise. Being overly physical can hinder rather than help your chances of getting your wife back.
By this, I don’t mean you suddenly go cold and stop touching her altogether. But your sexual desires must be put on the back burner for a while.
This penalty flag is connected to the one above. If your wife wants space, she is likely to recoil from any sexual intimacy, too.
Don’t let feelings of rejection creep in about this. It is best to respect the process of your wife. Trust that her feelings will come back. And along with them, the sexual element of your relationship.
Cuddling is ok. You can still put your arm around her and kiss her on the cheek. This is encouraged. Physical touch causes the release of oxytocin, which will make her feel more bonded to you.
3. Start collecting oxytocin points
This leads me perfectly to the oxytocin point system.
Here is a secret that most men don’t know… For women, it’s the little things that count.
In his logical, reason-based brain, a man might decide to bring his wife a rose. This is a demonstration of his love. And he can one-up it by getting a dozen roses. Even two dozen.
Surely, two dozen roses are enough to demonstrate the immense scale of his love for her?
Nu-uh, my friends. Think again.
Women’s brains work differently from men’s. And one rose is the same as one hundred roses, in terms of the oxytocin the brain will release.
Rather than dumping two dozen red roses on her doorstep, then kicking back on the couch thinking that the job is done, you must change course to win your wife back.
Do lots of little things throughout the day to demonstrate your love for your wife. Your relationship will benefit greatly from this approach. It will do more for you than one thousand roses could. Trust me on this.
Oxytocin point scorers
Here are some examples of little gestures that will add up to a great deal. They will help your wife to fall in love with you again. And they are very healing to your relationship:
- Ask her how her day was
- Listen without interrupting her
- Call if you are going to be late
- Leave a post-it note on her car saying you’re beautiful
- Text her in the middle of the day just to tell her that you’re thinking of her
- Ask her out on the next date at the end of the date you are on
- Fix something for her when it breaks, without being prompted
Over time, you will score many oxytocin points as she receives these thoughtful gestures. You will be a man who stands out amongst the crowd in her heart. Your bond with your wife will grow strong, passionate, and true.
Is there more to learn about this? For sure! But with this insight into how to score oxytocin points with your wife, you’ll be channeling your energy in the right direction. Everything you want from your relationship will begin to come your way.
Soon you’ll be swimming in so many oxytocin points that you can’t breathe! When your wife has more oxytocin flooding her veins, she will feel deeply bonded to you.
Oxytocin is what keeps mothers from wandering off and abandoning their children. We see this throughout the entirety of nature. It is an unstoppable force. So use it to your advantage to get your wife back.
4. Uplift her closed-down spirit again
This is one of the most important steps for how to get your wife back.
Inside healthy relationships, we are free to communicate with each other. Communication takes place in the form of body language, spoken word, and feelings.
All of these communicate to and with each other’s spirit.
When a relationship is on the rocks, this communication breaks down, and spirits can become closed.
The biggest step to winning your wife back is opening her spirit again.
Signs her spirit is closed
But before we go into how to open it, let’s see which kind of things cause it to close. The following actions, behaviors, and words close your wife’s spirit. They should be avoided as much as possible:
- Taking her for granted by not showing appreciation, and assuming she will always be there
- Using harsh words
- Refusing to accept that you have done wrong
- Sarcasm (this is often used as a form of passive aggression)
- Ignoring her needs
- Putting her down in front of other people
As you can see, it’s not that difficult. Treat your wife with respect. Don’t criticize your spouse or show contempt. Especially in front of others. And treat her needs as if they were all completely legitimate.
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How to open her closed spirit once again
If the damage is already done and your wife has a closed spirit, try these techniques:
- Be gentle with her, speak softly, and remain present. Do not descend into the cold, surgical tone of the masculine
- Understand the pain that your wife has experienced
- Acknowledge her pain, and then ask her to forgive you for what you have done wrong
- Demonstrate genuine remorse for the damage you have done to the relationship
- Show willingness to talk during marriage counseling a marriage retreat, or to seek professional help
Stay in integrity
Note: actions speak louder than words. Your wife knows this. For a wife who has been hurt by her husband in the past, it is difficult to trust. She will most likely be watching to see if your actions align with your words.
Make sure that you act with integrity. Do the things that you say you will do. Otherwise, it’s just empty words. And empty words do not open your wife’s closed spirit or keep her interested whatsoever.
You need to walk the walk, as well as talk the talk.
5. Honor your wife as a goddess
As the old saying goes, ‘behind every great man, there is an even greater woman…
… It’s hard to be a woman in the 21st Century. Popular culture has deviated far, far away from the original concept of the Goddess. And this is wrecking relationships.
As such, it is your job as a husband, and our job as men, to bring the Goddess back, and hence to heal those relationships.
To bring the Goddess back, you need to honor your wife as one. I’m not a particular fan of the whole ‘QUEEN’ notion. But it is not completely redundant. And it pertains to an important, yet undervalued aspect of the feminine.
To honor your wife as a Goddess, you must treat her like she is some precious object.
Alongside you, she is the key player in the team. Her needs must be met, and her worries listened to. This will keep your wife interested forever. An addiction she just can’t shift. It’s an unmissable step for how to win your wife back.
To begin this process, thank God for your wife every day. When you do so, your eyes will begin to open to the blessings she brings forth. It will get easier and easier until honoring your spouse becomes completely natural. Something you don’t even have to think about.
Tips for how to honor your wife as a Goddess
- Compliments: most men have resistance to putting their feelings of adoration into words. If you are looking into her eyes and like the way her hair falls across her face, tell her that. Enjoy her particular use of words to express her feelings? Tell her that, too. Don’t hold back, your wife is very receptive to compliments. Showering her with them will help your relationship very much
- Respect your wife and her boundaries: most men are brash and bold. They don’t make an effort to honor their wife as a person. Especially during a period of separation, you must allow your wife to dictate the pace at which things progress. You might think that charging full steam ahead will fix the past. But this is not how to win your wife back and it may well land you in the divorce courts.
- Do things for her: chivalry is dead in our society. And this is one of the main reasons why the divorce rate is now at 50%(!). Women are becoming more masculine and men are becoming more feminine. This depolarizes the sexes and causes that ‘spark’ to wither and die. One way that you can revive the polarity (and the spark) is to take the traditional role of the masculine, which is done by serving the feminine. Do things for your wife. Paint her house, carry her bags or bring her breakfast. This is something that is taught in every marriage retreat across the globe and it will help you re-establish that spark.
6. Develop unconditional love
The next step in fixing your marriage relationship is to develop unconditional love.
Unconditional love is not the typical kind of romantic love observed between couples. Typically, romantic love is highly (highly) conditional. You do this and say that so I love you. But when you do that or say this, it makes me love you less.
We love our partners to a certain degree. Based on the way they make us feel. And this is what makes love so precarious. One wrong move and it can all be over. The vast majority of couples who end up in the divorce courts are there because their love was conditional. Human beings are dynamic and we are always changing. So when love is conditional, it is a recipe for disaster!
If we can develop and more importantly, demonstrate unconditional love, marriage has a great chance of success. Honoring your wife will set the foundations for unconditional love. But there are a few other things you can do to plant the seed, too.
Serving your wife
This is not dissimilar to honoring her as a Goddess. When serving your wife, we can take heed of tantric teachings.
According to tantra, feminine energy and masculine energy are very distinct from one another. Yin and yang. They are opposites. Hence when each partner embodies their inherent feminine or masculine energy, polarity is high, and so is attraction, sexual desire, harmony, etc.
I know I keep coming back to the same point here around polarity and masculine and feminine dynamics, but such is its importance and central position when it comes to winning your wife back and how to fall back in love.
The masculine is typically grounded and giving whilst the feminine leans more to the side of chaos and receptiveness.
Therefore in a successful relationship, the man makes the effort to lead his spouse. He serves his woman. The two balance each other and coexist side by side in harmony.
To pull back your marriage relationship, demonstrate love by serving your wife. Open the door for your spouse; carry the bags without a word being spoken of it. Hold the umbrella for her. Care for this person and make an effort to hear her every word spoken in conversation.
Being the breadwinner for your spouse
Sorry feminists, but the man should be the breadwinner for his spouse. Bringing home a fat paycheck is massive when it comes to how to win your wife back.
Financial issues contribute a great deal towards divorce. Statistics show that frequent arguments over finances increase the likelihood of divorce by 30%. This is more than any other factor.
As the man, you must be the person in the relationship who takes the lead financially.
When you do, your female spouse will be pushed further into her feminine side, and hence the balance of yin and yang re-established.
If however, she is the main financial contributor, she will take on more masculine energy. And unbalanced masculine/feminine dynamics are a total killer for marriage and relationships.
There is also a great deal of masculine identity wrapped up in the ability to earn good money. Earning good cash contributes to confidence. And women are magnetized by confident men.
If you are struggling with this, you could consider studying the art of sexual transmutation, which helps convert raw sexual energy into financial abundance.
Financial abundance is a major player in learning how to fall back in love.
7. Be accountable by joining a support group
Finally, the need to hold oneself accountable cannot be ignored. To be a good spouse, you must learn from others who are already walking the path.
The advice of others is invaluable and you can learn a lot about how to keep your spouse interested and make up for the wrongs of the past.
This could be a local men’s group, AA meetings, or men’s event on meetup.
I have witnessed the fruits of this in my work, running the men’s group in The Tantric Man Experience.
Being part of a group of high-caliber men to have your back and support you is one of the most crucial in saving a marriage.
You can’t do it alone, but you can single-handily turn a broken marriage around to blossom in passion again, with the right guidance and support. Hopefully, this article is a good starting point for learning how to fall back in love.
Even though divorce rates are climbing higher and higher, you don’t have to become a member of this less-than-desirable club.
By taking ownership of the situation, understanding penalty flags, and collecting oxytocin points, you can begin to save your marriage. If you are dedicated to saving the marriage, you can uplift her closed spirit and honor her inner Goddess.
Developing unconditional love, serving your wife, and being the breadwinner are the final tools in your toolbox. They carry the most sway in reclaiming your wife and your marriage relationship. But they are also the most challenging.
If you are inspired by the challenge of how to fall back in love, you can treat this article as your ultimate checklist. Don’t forget to join a support group though – this is crucial.
With the help of a group, you can hear other men keep their wives interested, and how they fixed the past.
I happen to have the perfect container for this. Sure, you can join a 12-step program like AA, or a support group, but if you are serious about winning your wife back, my coaching program hosts is the perfect environment for this.
You can learn a great deal more about masculine vs feminine dynamics, and the interplay between the two energies. I will help you to make love in such a spiritual, profound way that you are quite literally opening your wife to God, such is the immense power of tantra.
Once your wife has experienced what it is like to be with a tantric man, she will never want to leave.
Curious? Join my free training for a taster. Even if you don’t end up joining the full tantric brotherhood, you’ll still receive immense free value. Sign up here and get your wife back today.
Do wives ever come back after separation?
Yes, albeit with some effort, you can win your wife back. It might take a hard conversation or marriage counseling, but it can be done.
What should I say to get my wife back?
Focus on showing respect and taking full responsibility – show your wife (through actions that your ultimate goal is to be her husband again.
How do I attract my wife in a separation?
Reestablish communication. Take some quiet time if you need it and actively work to make new friends and find new hobbies, to enrich your own life.
What to do when your wife is done with you?
Assess whether or not you want to fix things, accepting that sometimes, there is no hope and divorce is for the best. Other times, there is hope and you just need to stay calm and fix things.
Can your wife fall back in love with you?
Yes, even when there have been intensely hurt feelings. A few helpful things will assist in her falling back in love with you.
Men's Relationship Coach
Steffo is the founder of The Tantric Man Experience, the #1 masculine mentorship program in the world. There he helps men in relationships reignite the passion to restore their marriages from the brink of divorce. And single men attract their dream women naturally with success. He's on a mission to guide men towards an intimate and meaningful relationship, and end the war with their sexuality, so they can finally become integrated men, fathers, brothers, husbands, and leaders in the world.
“It meant a paradigm shift in life.” – Patrik, Sweden
“Life-changing experience.” – Antonio, Italy