How To Win Your Wife Back In 7 Steps And Fall In Love Again

Steffo Shambo

Updated on Apr 27, 2024

If love was a class, it’s one we all skipped in high school to hang out in the parking lot. 

When the going gets tough, you end up winging it or start scrambling through some notes for the make-up exams.

By the end of this, you’ll learn exactly how to win your wife back without doing the old wine, dine, and “please come back.”

Winning your wife back isn’t a game of poker. You can’t simply bluff your way through. Nope. It’s about shuffling the deck and dealing a hand straight from the heart. 

The path to a blooming marriage isn’t found through money alone—although, hey, flowers never hurt. It’s about forging a genuine emotional connection by mastering the art of love and partnership. 

So, do you want to flip the script on your love life? Let’s get started!

Telltale signs that you’re about to lose your wife

Here are the warning signs that you must take action now to reignite your wife’s love before it’s too late:

  • You haven’t had sex in months or even years
  • Sex feels like another chore that’s become more like a pitiful obligation and ends prematurely 
  • She feels more like a roommate rather than a passionate lover
  • You no longer go on any romantic dates 
  • There is no sparkle in her eyes anymore when she looks at you
  • Silent treatment or grunts of ‘mmhmm’ instead of deep conversations into the night (also known as stonewalling)
  • She’s always complaining about all the small things
  • Conversations are mostly about the household, children, and chores but never about each other’s feelings
  • You feel like you’re in a repetitive rut with little time for bonding and strengthening your emotional connection

If you’ve identified with several (or all) of these telltale signs, then your marriage is in hot water. But fear not! Things can always be turned around.

7 steps for how to win your wife back

How to win your wife back

Here are the steps to take to win your wife back and make her fall in love with you again:

  • Take ownership of the situation
  • Understand “penalty flags”
  • Start collecting oxytocin points
  • Uplift her closed-down spirit again
  • Honor your wife as a goddess
  • Develop unconditional love
  • Be accountable by joining a support group

Each of these steps will help you restore the love, trust, and passion in your marriage. In fact, your love for each other can go far beyond than ever before.

1. Take ownership of the situation

This is the exact same principle that I teach in my intimacy training masterclass

The blame game won’t get you anywhere. But that’s what most men do because it’s the easier option. Everything that’s happening in the marriage is your responsibility. Without having this mindset, you won’t be able to move forward in the right direction.

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Humans are allowed to make mistakes. That’s what it means to be a human. However, blaming others is when we fail as men. 

Regardless of past wrongs and whether she’s left or not, you must take full responsibility for the state of your marriage. It takes two to tango. Both of you have likely been hurt, said hurtful things, and spoken harsh words. 

It is time for both of you to lay down your guns. You must accept responsibility for the emotional pain that you have caused each other. And also to the relationship and marriage itself.

So, stop passing the buck. Start accepting responsibility.

The sooner you do this, the sooner you can start healing things. If you perpetually lay the blame on others, you will never be able to fix anything since you cannot control them.

2. Understand “penalty flags”

Penalty flags are things that you can do to hurt your chances of repairing the marriage.

If you want to know how to win your wife back, you must understand the following penalty flags: 

  • Recruiting for opposition
  • Personal criticism 
  • Neediness
  • Time limits
  • Being too physical

You might be doing some of these already. Regardless, it’s still possible to heal the damage that’s been done. Better yet, avoid all of these penalty flags in the first place to guarantee healthy future relationships.  

Recruiting for opposition

This means involving others (such as family members) and recruiting them to take your side as if you were forming a political party against your own partner. 

Dragging others into your marriage problems will only divide you further. If you want to make your wife fall in love with you again, stay calm. Being overly forward with others about your relationship problems doesn’t help, even if you think that you’re on the down low. 

Trust me, your spouse sees and feels everything, including the difference in your energy. She’ll easily sense it if you’re doing anything weird. 

Turning to others should be a last resort. Keep your feelings, hurt, and anger for your mental health professional. 

You entered this marriage as a pair. Both of you made a commitment to each other. That means that you can save the marriage as a pair.

Personal criticism

Next up is a penalty flag from one of Julie and John Gottman’s four horsemen of the apocalypse: criticism

Any amount of criticism can hurt the marriage, no matter how small.

Think twice before pointing out your wife’s flaws. Most times, the criticisms you want to point out are only a reflection of your own flaws and insecurities. 

Instead of placing focus on the actions of your spouse, have a healthy conversation. 

Use the principles of nonviolent communication, such as focusing on “I” statements rather than“you” statements. This concept alone will make your wife feel less incriminated and on the spot. Therefore, she’ll react less defensively and be more receptive to your words. 

In other words, forget criticizing her when she’s done something wrong. Instead, point out how YOU feel. Then, always offer a solution on what would make you feel better.

I really can’t stress the importance of this one enough. So many marriages fail because of this. Constant criticism of any sort has the potential to trigger an avalanche of other problems. 


You shouldn’t be emotionally needy in your sex life. And it is just as big a problem in your marriage.

Give your wife space, even during physical separation. Love grows in the space between. Don’t bombard her with texts and calls. Nor should you demand to know what she’s thinking. Ignore the constant bleating of your anxious mind. Let your actions do the talking.

Hear your wife out. If your wife tells you she needs some physical or emotional distance, respect her needs. 

Yes, it can be hard to keep your mind occupied when giving each other space. But you must do it. 

You shouldn’t be solely dependent on your wife for happiness. Enrich your existence and make new friends or explore some new hobbies. This puts less pressure on your partner and relationship.

And by the way, temporary changes don’t work. 

If you do manage to win your wife back by giving her enough space, you must maintain those changes that you’ve made. This will not only contribute to your happiness, but it will also help your marriage a great deal. 

If you don’t maintain the changes, you risk becoming needy again. Your marriage problems will return. Then, you’ll be back at square one—where no one wants to be!

Time limits

Stop putting deadlines on everything. There are no shortcuts to any place that’s worth going to. Both you and your wife must accept that marriage takes time to rebuild. 

Women hurt differently from men. The feminine and masculine energy is not the same. 

People won’t see their partners in a new light straight away. Forgiving each other for a past wrong is not easy. There’s going to be some resistance. When this happens, you shouldn’t add even more pressure. 

Marriages don’t fall apart instantaneously. And marriages do not heal instantaneously, either. 

Being too physical

By this, I don’t mean you suddenly go cold and stop touching her altogether. This would only bring a dying marriage deeper into the depths of despair. 

Here’s what I do mean: put your sexual desires on the back burner for some time. 

When your wife wants a bit of distance, she is likely to recoil from any sexual intimacy, too.

Don’t let feelings of rejection creep in about this. Respect your wife’s progress. She has her own journey too that she must take. You’re both married for a reason. Trust that her feelings will come back along with your sex life. 

Now, cuddling is okay. You should still do wholesome things like putting your arm around her and kissing her cheek. 

3. Start collecting oxytocin points

Oxytocin is a type of hormone that’s directly associated with emotional connection and intimacy. This is crucial in romance for rebuilding the love between you and your spouse. 

To put it another way, it’s the love hormone that’s responsible for how your partner feels toward you. 

With that in mind, it’s the little things that count the most. 

From a man’s logical point of view, he might decide to bring his wife a rose. This is a demonstration of his love. And he can one-up it by getting a dozen roses. Even two dozen. 

Surely, two dozen roses are enough to demonstrate the immense scale of his love for her?

Nu-uh, my friends.

Women’s brains work far differently from men’s. And one rose is the same as one hundred roses in terms of the oxytocin the brain will release. 

Restoring the marriage means more than just dumping two dozen red roses on her doorstep and then kicking back on the couch. 

Do lots of little things throughout the day to show your compassion toward your wife. This means more than one thousand roses could. What women care about more is the thought, effort, and commitment you put into her. 

Oxytocin point scorers

Here are some examples of little gestures that will add up to a great deal:

  • Ask her how her day was
  • Listen without interrupting her
  • Call if you are going to be late
  • Leave a post-it note on her car saying you’re beautiful 
  • Text her in the middle of the day just to tell her that you’re thinking of her
  • Ask her out on the next date at the end of the date you are on
  • Fix something for her when it breaks without being prompted

Over time, you will score many oxytocin points as she receives these thoughtful gestures. You will be a man who stands out amongst the crowd in her heart. Your bond with your wife will grow stronger and more passionate. 

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Oxytocin is what keeps mothers from wandering off and abandoning their children. We see this throughout the entirety of nature. It’s an unstoppable force. So use it to your advantage to get your wife back.

4. Uplift her closed-down spirit again

Good communication takes place in the form of body language, spoken words, and feelings. All of these communicate to and with each other’s spirit. 

When a couple is on the rocks, the relationship communication breaks down. Your spiritual gateway to each other closes down. 

Now, the biggest step to winning your wife back is opening her spirit again.

Signs your wife’s spirit is closed

The following actions, behaviors, and words close your wife’s spirit. They should be avoided at all costs:

  • Taking her for granted by not showing appreciation and assuming she will always be there
  • Using harsh words without a batting an eye
  • Refusing to accept that you have done wrong
  • Sarcasm (this is often used as a form of passive aggression)
  • Ignoring her needs
  • Putting her down in front of other people

Treat your wife with respect. Don’t criticize your spouse or show contempt, especially in front of others. 


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So you can reignite the passion in your relationship or attract your perfect woman.

How to open her closed spirit once again

If the damage is already done and your wife has a closed spirit, here are a few helpful things to do:

  • Be gentle, speak softly, and remain present whenever you’re with her
  • Take the time to understand the pain that your wife has experienced
  • Acknowledge her pain and ask for her forgiveness
  • Show genuine remorse for the damage you have done to the relationship
  • Show willingness to talk during your relationship check-ins, marriage counseling sessions, or marriage retreat

Stay in integrity

Note: actions speak louder than words. Your wife knows this. For a wife who has been hurt by her husband in the past, it is difficult to trust. She will most likely be watching to see if your actions align with your words. 

Act with integrity. Do the things that you say you will do. Otherwise, it’s just empty words. And empty words do not open your wife’s closed spirit or keep her interested whatsoever.

How to win your wife back

You need to walk the walk as well as talk the talk.

5. Honor your wife as a goddess

As the old saying goes: 

“Behind every great man, there stands a great woman.”

Our modern culture has deviated far, far away from the original concept of the Goddess. And this is destroying relationships. As such, it is your job as a husband and our job as men to bring the Goddess back. This is what allows you to heal troubled relationships

How to win your wife back

To bring the Goddess back, you need to honor your wife as one. 

I’m not a particular fan of the whole ‘QUEEN’ notion. But it is not completely redundant. It pertains to an important yet undervalued aspect of the divine feminine. 

I shouldn’t have to remind you, but remember that your wife is precious. She’s a key player in your marriage, not just you. Her needs must be met, and her worries must be listened to. Otherwise, she’ll eventually lose interest. 

How to honor your wife as a Goddess

  1. Thank God for your wife every day: Your eyes will begin to open to the blessings she brings forth. It will get easier until honoring your spouse becomes completely natural—something you don’t even have to think about.
  2. Compliments: All men have an ego. That’s why they typically resist putting their feelings of adoration into words. If you’re looking into her eyes and like the way her hair falls across her face, tell her that. Love the way she talks? Tell her that, too. Don’t hold back. Your wife is very receptive to compliments. Showering her with them will help build a healthy relationship.
  3. Respect your wife and her boundaries: It’s not uncommon for most men to not make an effort to honor their wife as a person. Especially during a period of separation where you must allow your wife to dictate the pace at which things progress. You might think that charging full steam ahead will fix the past. But this is not the way and will land you in the divorce courts.
  4. Do things for her: Chivalry is dead in our society. And this is one of the main reasons for the 50% divorce rate in the US. Women are becoming more masculine, and men are becoming more feminine. This depolarizes the sexes and causes that ‘spark’ to wither and die. One way that you can revive polarity is to take the traditional role of the masculine, which is done by serving the feminine. Do things for your wife. Paint her house, carry her bags, or bring her breakfast. This is something that is taught in every marriage retreat across the globe, and it will help you re-establish that spark.

6. Develop unconditional love

Unconditional love is not the typical kind of romantic love observed between couples. 

Typically, romantic love is conditional. You do this and say that, so I love you. But when you do that or say this, it makes me love you less. 

We love our partners to a certain degree based on the way they make us feel. And this is what makes love so precarious. One wrong move and it can all be over. 

The vast majority of couples who end up in the divorce courts are there because their love is conditional. Human beings are dynamic, and we are always changing. So, when love is conditional, it makes sense why it can be a recipe for disaster!

If we can develop and demonstrate unconditional love, marriage has a greater chance of success. Honoring your wife will set the foundations for unconditional love. But there are a few other things you can do to plant the seed, too.

Serving your wife

When serving your wife, we can take heed of tantric teachings. 

According to Tantra, feminine energy and masculine energy are very distinct from one another. Yin and yang. They are opposites. 

Hence, when each partner embodies their inherent feminine or masculine energy, polarity is high. This includes attraction, sexual desire, and spiritual harmony.

Sparking polarity between the masculine and feminine dynamics is essential to winning your wife and falling back in love.

The masculine is typically grounded and giving. On the other hand, the feminine leans more to the side of chaos and receptiveness.

In a successful relationship, the man makes the effort to lead his spouse. He serves his woman. The two balance each other and coexist side by side in harmony.

How to win your wife back

Demonstrate love by serving your wife by doing a few practical things such as the following: 

  • Open the door for her
  • Carry the bags without waiting for her to ask
  • Hold the umbrella for her
  • Show her compassion by talking softly to her 
  • Make it clear you’re empathizing with her

Being the breadwinner for your spouse

Sorry, feminists, but the man should be the breadwinner for his spouse. 

Financial issues contribute a great deal towards a breakup. The divorce statistics reveal that frequent arguments over finances increase the likelihood of divorce by 30%. This is more than any other factor. 

As the man, you must be the person in the relationship who takes the lead financially.

When you do, your female spouse will be pushed further into her feminine side. Hence, the balance of yin and yang re-establishes.

How to win your wife back

Typically, when your wife is the main financial contributor, she will take on more masculine energy. Unbalanced masculine and feminine dynamics are a total killer for marriage and relationships.

There is also a great deal of masculine identity wrapped up in the ability to earn good money. 

Making good cash contributes to confidence. And women are magnetized by confident men.

If you’re having trouble with this, consider studying the art of sexual transmutation. This helps convert raw sexual energy into financial abundance. 

7. Be accountable by joining a support group

Finally, the need to hold oneself accountable must be addressed. 

To be a good spouse, you must learn from others already walking the path. 

The advice of others is invaluable. You can learn a lot about how to keep your spouse interested and make up for the wrongs of the past.

How to win your wife back

This could be a local men’s group, AA meetings, or men’s event on meetup. 

Being part of a group of high-caliber men who have your back is one of the most supportive systems you could ever have. Having the support of men like you can help you stay calm and improve your mental health.

 In fact, I have witnessed the fruits of this in my work, running the men’s group in The Tantric Man Experience.

Tantric Man Community

The Tantric Man Community is more than just being a face in the crowd. You’re part of a sacred brotherhood. 

This is a community specifically for men who have made a serious commitment to themselves. A commitment to become the best man, leader, and husband they can be to transform their marriage. 

Hear from some of these brave tantric men in the community and their relationship transformations:

  • Austin Sams is the man who revived a silent ghost town where his wife went from “not tonight, dear” to initiating fireworks thrice in one week. 
  • Michael Coussement went from being emotionally distant from his wife on the brink of divorce to moving back in together. 
  • Aleksander was a boy in his partner’s eyes, Ula, but he finally quit his porn addiction and stepped into his masculine frame to finally become the man of Ula’s dreams.

Common Reasons Why the Marriage Is Going South

Here are some common reasons why your marriage might be failing: 

  • Lack of emotional intelligence
  • No more effort
  • Bedroom performance issues

If you’re struggling with any of these, no matter what you do, it’s worth seeking professional help. 

Lack of Emotional Intelligence

Improving emotional intelligence is key to ensuring your wife feels valued, heard, and appreciated. 

Being oblivious to your spouse’s feelings will lead to a disconnect. She’ll lose trust and be less likely to open up to you. As this goes on, you’ll go from being romantic lovers into roommates under the same roof. 

No More Effort

Declining effort in a marriage is like leaving a garden unattended. Both will eventually die out. 

The early phases of your marriage must’ve been exciting. Preparing your outfits, going on dates left and right, or small acts of appreciation like giving her a morning kiss. 

Then complacency kicks in. 

This causes the emotional connection to become frail, which leaves your wife feeling undervalued. To prevent this, you must make it a priority to be emotionally available to your partner and continue putting effort into making her happy. 

Bedroom Performance Issues

Bedroom performance issues can affect a man and woman’s confidence. Eventually, it could even lead to a sexless marriage

Sex is way more important in a marriage than you might think. It’s a vital part of the physical and emotional bond between romantic partners. However, a gap in this intimacy leads to a cascade of negative emotions, self-image, and detachment. 

The separation in sexual intimacy will ultimately create further distance and separation between the couple. 

If you’re concerned about your sexual health, consider seeking professional help.


The last thing you want is to have your love life mentioned in the same breath as climbing divorce rates. Trust me, it’s one leaderboard you don’t want to top.

Knowing how to win your wife back doesn’t have to be such a mystery. 

And no, it’s not about being a one-man band serenading her outside the window. It’s about unleashing your true masculine potential that makes her inner femininity naturally dance to your tune. 
Leave the lone wolf act to the movies. Join a pack of love warriors like Austin in my free exclusive training program. You’ll learn the essential changes you must make to rekindle the flame in your marriage single-handedly, regardless of the type of conflict you’re dealing with.


Do wives ever come back after separation?

Yes, albeit with some effort, you can win your wife or ex-wife back. It might take a hard conversation or marriage counseling, but it can be done. Some wives just need a bit of distance and time for themselves to think things through.

What should I say to get my wife back?

Tell her how much she means to you and show her empathy. Make your wife fall for you again by taking full responsibility and respecting her needs. More importantly, show your wife through your actions that you’re willing to change and become a better man for her.

How do I attract my wife in a separation?

Focus on reestablishing communication. If you need to, take some quiet time for yourself to actively work on improving your life by making new friends, building good habits, and switching up your typical daily routine.

What to do when your wife is done with you?

Assess your situation and whether or not you want to fix things. Is there no more hope? If divorce is the best option for both of you because nothing is changing no matter what, then it’s one route to consider. Most times, it’s just a rough patch. It requires staying calm, showing empathy, and transforming yourself to ultimately transform the marriage.

Can your wife fall back in love with you?

Yes, even when there have been intensely hurt feelings because of mistakes like infidelity. It takes a lot of serious commitment to restore the marriage and make her fall back in love with you again.



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Steffo Shambo

Steffo Shambo

Men's Tantric Relationship Coach

I am the founder of The Tantric Man Experience™, a pioneering transformational coaching program for men. With over 1500 hours of certified tantra training in India and Thailand and 7 years of experience helping hundreds of men worldwide save their marriages and reignite passion in their love lives.

I have over 8 million views on YouTube and have been featured on VICE and Newstalk Radio for my life’s work - helping men unleash their full masculine potential.

My holistic FLT method seamlessly integrates ancient tantric philosophy with my modern expertise in relationships, sexuality, dating, and men’s health.

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