Have you ever felt confused by seemingly paradoxical female behavior and asked yourself the question, “what does a girl really want in a relationship”?
I’m sure you’ve heard it before: “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.”
These are the words of relationship expert John Gray. John has written many books on love, sex and relationships. I believe this to be one of the best pieces of relationship advice ever given.
Often the biggest problem within intimate relationships is not a lack of willingness to meet each other’s needs. Nor a lack of love or mutual respect. It is a lack of understanding and poor communication.
Men and women simply have differently wired hormonal systems. These systems work in different ways.
The tangible result of this is that we speak different languages. For a healthy relationship, we must learn to understand and decode the language of our romantic partner.
If we do not, what are little things to us can feel like huge, gigantic, boulder-sized obstacles to them. This can cause them to feel insecure and unsafe.
When this is the case, arguments and little bickering can become incessant. With such frequent conflict, you can end up in a toxic relationship.
Table of Contents
Understanding women
You cannot expect to have a harmonious relationship with a woman if you do not understand how their mind works.
Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman and felt confused by a lack of congruence between her words and her actions?
You are doing everything she asks you to do. Despite the fact that you would do anything to make your woman… Nothing is ever enough.
You feel like you’re smashing your head against a brick wall. Exasperating, huh?
Luckily, there is a solution.
You simply need to understand her. Once you understand how her mind works, you will be able to meet her emotional needs. Women’s actions can seem confusing and counter-intuitive. This is simply due to the fact that their brains work differently. There is always a pattern and a logic behind her actions. Once you understand these things, you can meet her emotional needs.
Meeting her emotional needs
A woman whose emotional needs are being met is a happy woman. To a woman, having emotional needs met = feeling safe.
When she feels safe, she will feel able to express herself. She can open and reveal her true feelings, her uniqueness and her love to you.
Today I am not going to tell you how to decode and interpret a woman. That is far too much detail and depth to go into in one article.
Instead, I am going to give you the 4 most IMPORTANT things women need from a relationship.
When you can provide what’s on the list, you won’t need to worry quite so much about decoding her. You will automatically be meeting her emotional needs and catering to her sexual desire.
Suddenly, the little things that you do to annoy her won’t seem such a problem. You can have a healthy relationship, passionate, soul-shaking sex and deep intimacy.
As I always say – “happy wife, happy life”.
Sounds good? OK, let’s get into it!
The 4 most important things women want from a relationship
1. Safety
What women want most is safety. For a woman to have a good relationship and emotional connection, she needs to feel that she can depend on her man. Whether it’s a new relationship or years into a long one, romantic love is ALWAYS built on a foundation of safety, honesty and trust.
How to make a woman feel safe? The first and most basic step is establishing trust. I have an article on how to build relationship trust here. It’s a good starting point and probably worth a read even if you already believe yourself to be trustworthy. We all have blind spots, and most women can intuit an untrustworthy man from a mile away.
In addition to being trustworthy, you can help your girlfriend to feel safe by listening better. A woman needs to feel fully seen and fully heard. During conversation, try listening without interrupting or filtering her experience through your own lens. A man who can do this feels like gold to a woman.
Another way of creating safety is to avoid talking too much about other women or a past relationship. Your current partner doesn’t want to hear all about your ex girlfriend or your female colleague. Don’t express feelings of sexual attraction or emotion towards other women. I know this sounds like basic stuff – but so many men blindly fall at this hurdle.
Hearing over and over about a past romantic relationship may cause her to compare herself to previous partners. This will just create jealousy and insecurity.
2. Presence
Has your partner ever raised one eyebrow in annoyance at you looking at your phone during dinner or in the middle of a date? Perhaps you have raised an eyebrow to THEM doing it.
If so, the reason they/you felt ticked off was a lack of presence.
The second most important thing women need in a relationship is presence. The degree to which presence is important will vary from woman to woman. But even if they are not consciously aware of it, a woman will feel more safe with a man who is present.
When you give your partner your undivided attention, you establish a foundation for emotional intimacy. It is hard to be truly intimate with someone when you feel like you don’t have their full attention.
If a woman feels like she doesn’t have your full attention, she will feel taken for granted and ignored.
To establish presence inside of your relationship, set aside time to be with each other. And ONLY with each other.
If you are not living with your partner then it’s easy. Leave your phone in the car or in your bag and forget about it. For the time that you are with her, make her feel like the most important person in the world.
If you are living together the lines can become blurred and things can be a bit more difficult. Schedule time when you both turn your phones off. Forget about the other aspects of life and just be with each other. Even if just for an hour or two.
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Presence during sex
Physical intimacy is another area where it is absolutely vital to have presence. During sex, stay connected by maintaining eye contact. Even if you feel naked and it’s difficult. It’s incredibly good practice to allow another to see you in this way.
Speaking of sexual activity, giving regular oral sex is important.
As you are about to eat her p*ssy, practice looking her in the eyes whilst your head moves down to the space between her legs.
Before you indulge, look at her p*ssy like you are about to tuck into the most delicious meal you ever tasted. Just like the rest of her, the yoni needs attention and worship.
It is a very sad truth that a LOT of women these days have insecurities surrounding the appearance, taste or smell of their yoni. Let her know that you love and are addicted to hers by exploring it with your eyes, hands, tongue and cock.
Women need more in the bedroom than society wants to believe. When women are being regularly f*cked by a man with presence, they experience new levels of ecstasy and bliss. Not just during lovemaking, but during their everyday life, too. Naomi Wolf goes into this in the fascinating book ‘Vagina’.
If you do not water a plant it withers and dies. In a similar manner, if you do not regularly worship her p*ssy, it will close to you.
Spicing up the bedroom
If your sex life isn’t exactly fierce, establishing more presence can help your woman to feel more comfortable. Once she’s comfortable, she’ll be more open to trying new things.
Do you like to talk dirty in the bedroom? Try to introduce it.
For more information, I have an article on how to spice up the bedroom here. Give it a read if the sex inside of your marriage is feeling lackluster and routine.
Not checking out
There is one more very important implication of having presence. Having presence will allow her to believe that when things get rough, you won’t emotionally check out. I call this engagement. It is a dedication to the relationship no matter what happens.
3. Love, romance and intimacy
Although these three may sound obvious, you’d be surprised how many men fall short.
During the initial stage of dating, he may go to a great deal of effort to woo her. Flowers, gifts, tremendous acts of service and carefully planned out dates. The woman falls hard and fast.
Once he has secured her, the romance and a lot of the effort stops. The woman is left wondering where the boyfriend she fell in love with went.
This pattern is mainly due to the influence of dopamine on the brain and on human (and in this case male) behavior.
Men are programmed to try very hard during the chase and then just……. stop.
This stop can feel abrupt, confusing and very hurtful to a woman.
So if you want a successful committed relationship, you HAVE to override it. Keep making romantic gestures, building intimacy and showing your love. Even when you don’t feel it’s necessary.
Remember: her brain works DIFFERENTLY to yours. Women need to hear, be told and be SHOWN that they are loved and cared about.
If you want to make a woman truly happy, you HAVE to demonstrate and reaffirm your love for her.
Building intimacy
In case you are struggling for ideas of how to be romantic and build intimacy, here are some ideas. I did say this article was going to be an instruction manual!
- Ask her about her past. Women love talking about their stories. Their hurts, successes, trials and tribulations. When given time and space to do so, they feel seen and listened to. This is one of the most important attributes women look for when picking a potential partner. No matter what stage of dating you are at – listen up and ask questions.
- Surprise her. No, I don’t mean turning at her doorstep unannounced. Surprise her with something that shows her that you have listened to and understood her. If her favorite color is red, buy her a red dress. If she loves the outdoors, take her on a surprise camping weekend.
- Express the things that you love most about her. Like the way her hair is falling across her face as you cuddle just after you made love? Tell her. Think her eloquence is more than that of any woman you have ever encountered? Let her know! Women love and need regular compliments to reaffirm that they are loved. So open your heart and tell her how amazing she is.
4. Commitment
Possibly more important than anything else on this list is commitment.
Other than those exploring non monogamy or just wanting casual sex, it is safe to say that women want a man willing to make a commitment to her and only her
Nothing turns a woman on more than a man who is fully in from day one. Even in a very new relationship, commitment is very important. So if you’re a man with commitment issues, consider work to overcome the root cause.
First impressions count. If she has you down as shady and unreliable from day 1, this will cause mistrust further down the line.
Demonstrate your commitment to her by being accountable for your actions, showing up on time and being honest. Always be straightforward about what you want. If you want marriage – tell her. If you don’t want marriage – tell her that!
Regardless of the content, she will appreciate and respect your honesty.
Of course, don’t cheat. If it happens, tell her. Again – regardless of the hurt and pain, she will appreciate and respect you for your honesty. It is better to deal with the consequences of the ugly truth than to live an elaborate lie. For both of you.
What does a girl really want in a relationship?
The common thread here is that a woman needs to feel cared about. She needs to feel loved, cherished, honored and respected.
If you are providing her with safety, presence, romance and commitment from the start, you will have a happy and healthy relationship.
These are really the most basic yet underrated qualities of a truly masculine man, who is operating from his masculine energy.
A masculine man is solid. He is steadfast, reliable and unshakeable. His deep commitment to his woman is visible from the outside. These traits also carry over into the bedroom. He is able to maintain his erection long enough for her to reach multiple states of orgasm.
If you give your woman the 4 things listed in this article, you will surely be on the path to masculine embodiment. Your relationships will improve and you will experience more harmony with women.
The only issue here is that it might not be coming from a true and authentic place. You can begrudgingly give a woman what she needs in order to make her happy and keep the peace. OR you can give it from a place of authenticity, love and willingness.
My guess is that if you’re asking what women want, or what women need in a relationship, there’s probably a good reason why. I’d guess that you’re in a relationship or marriage that’s struggling, or single and struggling to find a partner. In which case, I’d really recommend checking out my training here.
It contains 5 simple mindset shifts that can help you to dramatically change how you feel and behave in relationships. Once we change how we feel and behave, we can be better partners. It might just help you to save your relationship or your marriage, or help you attract a deep, meaningful relationship into your life.
All it takes is a few simple changes in your cognition.
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FAQs
What does a girl want in a relationship?
Safety, presence, romance and commitment. Of course each individual will have more ‘boxes’, but almost all women want these things. They are Universal and essential to a happy relationship.
Why does a woman constantly need to be in a relationship?
This is a bit of a sweeping generalization. SOME (not all) women need to always be in a relationship. This is for the same reasons as men who can’t stay single for long. They are not happy in and of themselves. This kind of low self-esteem and dependency usually stems from childhood.
What if you feel that your girlfriend (or boyfriend) needs too much from you?
It is OK to have needs, but it is not OK to be needy. These are two very different things. If you feel your partner is needy, have a conversation with them about it. Be kind and gentle with your words. Needy people are generally sensitive and more susceptible to getting hurt than most.
What are 10 qualities women look for in men for relationships?
10 qualities women look for in a male partner are: honesty, reliability, kindness, empathy, chivalry, confidence, sexiness, presence, warmth, stability.
What are some secret things that women never tell men?
Women usually never tell men that they are sexually unsatisfied. They also tend to hide hurt feelings when they don’t feel listened to or seen. Women will open up to a friend about this kind of thing. But unfortunately it is hard for them to tell their man.
Why are some relationships so difficult?
Many people find themselves inside an unhealthy relationship despite having deep love for their partner. Difficulties can happen due to having fundamental incompatibilities. Conflicting views and beliefs are also often to blame. Despite strong attraction, such things can cause tension, arguments and lack of respect.
I'm an introvert, does that make any problems in the relationship?
Being introverted should not be a problem in romantic relationships. An introvert is someone who feels depleted by social situations and large groups. Introverts simply need to pick and choose the people they spend their time with carefully. Ideally an introvert’s partner would not be someone who depletes them.
Why do so many women want bad boys?
Women who like a bad boy usually have daddy issues. They are chasing the love they received (or most likely did not receive) from their father. Therefore they are drawn to rejection. They learned at an early age that rejection = love and this pattern often continues well into adulthood.
What does a healthy relationship look like?
A healthy relationship has open and honest communication. No defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism or contempt. There is sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy. Both partners have mutual respect and consideration for each others’ needs.
Are a woman's needs any different if she is a younger woman?
As women get older, they tend to focus more on things like safety and presence. A younger woman (like any young person) would not necessarily have the emotional maturity to know what qualities she wants and needs in a partner.
My past relationships have been failures. How can I make my current relationship better?
Firstly, the ‘failure’ of a past relationship only exists in your eyes. If you look with a positive lens, you probably learned a lot, even if the relationship ended in a lot of pain. In order to make your current relationship better, work on your communication. Better communication = greater understanding of each other’s needs. This is the key ingredient to have a healthy relationship.
Steffo Shambo
Men's Relationship Coach
Steffo is the founder of The Tantric Man Experience, the #1 masculine mentorship program in the world. There he helps men in relationships reignite the passion to restore their marriages from the brink of divorce. And single men attract their dream women naturally with success. He's on a mission to guide men towards an intimate and meaningful relationship, and end the war with their sexuality, so they can finally become integrated men, fathers, brothers, husbands, and leaders in the world.
“It meant a paradigm shift in life.” – Patrik, Sweden
“Life-changing experience.” – Antonio, Italy
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