4 Things Any Man Or Woman Can Do To Spice Up The Bedroom

Steffo Shambo

spice up the bedroom

It is an undeniable truth of marriage that sometimes the sex dries up. When this happens, we can experience intense feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame and uncertainty. Luckily, there are many things that any man or woman can do to spice up the bedroom and reignite the fire. If you are wondering where the passion in your marriage went, read on. I will share with you four fun ideas to spice up the bedroom and bring the passion back to your marriage.

From raunchy lovers to bickering roommates

Are you someone who is fairly happily married, loves their spouse dearly but occasionally finds themselves wondering where the spark went? Maybe you find yourself returning home from a long day at work to a husband or wife who just irritates you. You feel aggravated and annoyed simply by their presence. At the same time, you can’t even put your finger on what it is that they have done or are doing that annoys you SO much. Things never used to be like this. You used to chase each other around the house naked, f*cking like rabbits. You used to see and feel the lust in your spouse’s eyes as they sat on the barstool beside you. Mentally undressing each other, you couldn’t wait to get home, devour, and be devoured.

Now, you find yourself standing in front of your spouse in the kitchen, frowning with your hands on your hips (a defensive stance in terms of body language). You are both unshowered, exasperated, and emotionally exhausted. You are bickering about the dishwasher, the trash, or whose turn it is to sort the recycling. You knew marriage wasn’t going to be plain sailing. Nobody told you it would be like this, though. 

The trap of self blame, shame, and guilt

Heartbreakingly and embarrassingly, there is now very little sex. You are sometimes left looking in the mirror (literally or metaphorically), wondering what is wrong with you. 

Why does he/she no longer look at me with the same eyes or want to touch me in the same way anymore? You blame yourself. You criticize your physical appearance for not being attractive enough. Maybe it’s your weight. Maybe it’s your hair. Maybe they don’t like how you have been dressing recently. 

You can count the number of times you made love in the six months on one hand. You fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others whom you consider to be better looking than you. “If only I looked like him/her, maybe my husband/wife would find me sexy again. Maybe we would have a better marriage. Maybe we would be happy…”  

You don’t want to become just another divorce statistic. You once truly loved this person. You decided to devote your lives to each other, for better or for worse. You can so poignantly remember the look on their face and the burning emotion inside of your heart as you stood by one another exchanging vows. Nobody told you that a little later down the line your relationship would be like that of two bickering siblings.

Why sex inside of a marriage can lose its heat, or disappear completely

Do you recognize yourself in any of the above? If yes – don’t worry – you are not alone. Many married couples find themselves in this kind of situation once they have been married for one or two years. Throughout the entirety of the marriage, it is very normal for sex and attraction to fluctuate. This is partly down to hormones and partly down to the ebb and flow of life itself.

The deception of the honeymoon period

Things can’t always stay as they were when we first meet our spouse. During the ‘honeymoon’ period of a relationship, we see them through rose-tinted goggles. Our brains are awash with chemicals that are quite literally tainting our vision. During the honeymoon phase, we live our lives in a hazy love-bubble of serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. We are absolutely besotted by and obsessed with our partner. Despite all of their shortcomings and flaws, they can do almost no wrong. Serotonin is actually linked to sexual desire, which is partly why we have more sex during the honeymoon period. It is a biological and completely natural phenomenon for this to die down when the honeymoon period ends – which it always does.

During the honeymoon period of a relationship, our bodies are put under stress from increased adrenaline production. Ever been newly in love and felt like you just stuck your finger inside an electric socket and flipped ‘on’? When newly in love, we are under the influence of powerful chemicals and we are high! So high, in fact, that to sustain this state for the rest of our lives would be exhausting for the body and we would die. This is why the honeymoon period always, inevitably ends. 

The rose-tinted chemical-goggles come off and cracks start appearing in the relationship. We start seeing our spouse’s flaws and the sex begins to taper off… 


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How children, life stressors, and work can get in the way of spicing up the bedroom

When you factor in things like children, stressful careers, mortgages and complex family lives into the equation, it is no wonder that we can sometimes be left wondering where the passion went. Life is inherently stressful. Sh*t happens and we become stressed. When our stress levels are high our sex drive goes down. Combine this with the natural drop in hormones after the honeymoon period ends and you have a very common scenario for married couples.

One of the worst things about this situation is how much we struggle to ever voice any of it – either to our spouse or our friends. We feel shame or guilt or embarrassment or all three. When you do get down to having sex, it is usually only one of you who is really into it. The other is just going along with it for the sake of not hurting the other’s feelings. Even if they are not consciously aware of it, on some level the other person will feel it. The rift will become even bigger and unfortunately, many marriages enter even murkier waters. 

Sex can be wild and racy but it can also be deeply spiritual and a bonding experience for a couple. If there is no, very little, or poor quality sex in a marriage, it can drive a wedge between two people. When external factors subsequently put additional stress on the marriage, the strong bond required to make it through is often not there. When a marriage is sexless, it enters extremely rocky territory and can dissolve altogether.

spice up the bedroom

4 fun ideas to spice up the bedroom

Thankfully there are many things that any man or woman can do to spice up the bedroom. Here are some simple ideas you can use to spice up the bedroom and bring the passion back to your marriage:

1) Eye gazing

I am sure you have seen your spouse before, but have you really seen into them – into their core? 

After all, the eyes are the gateway to the soul.

Eye-gazing is wonderfully simple but very powerful. 

There are few words that can describe the beauty of this practice. Afterward, you will feel much closer to your spouse. As long as you gaze for ten minutes or less, this kind of practice opens the door for intimate, loving, and passionate sexual experiences.

2) BDSM and power play

Playing with surrender and control is often very erotic for couples. Whatsmore, it can also be highly therapeutic. This kind of interaction builds a lot of trust and mutual understanding due to the amount of communication it requires.

If this is completely unchartered territory, you can start by experimenting by simply using rope or a pair of handcuffs. 

Many women are hard-working and driven, operating from their masculine in order to thrive at work and climb the career ladder. They then carry this same masculine energy into their home and their relationship. Of all of the things a woman can do to spice up the bedroom, surrendering control in this way and fully trusting in the masculine is the most likely to drive both her and her man crazy.

3) Honest and vulnerable communication

Closely linked to number two is honest and vulnerable communication. 

With the rise in popularity of speakers like Brene Brown, vulnerability is becoming a hot topic. It can also improve our sex lives.

Why? Vulnerability makes sex so much better. Vulnerability requires that we take down all barriers and present ourselves with authenticity and integrity. 

When communicating inside of a marriage, we need to drop the masks, pretenses, and projections. These simply create false ideas about who we are and who we should be. By being honest in our communication we are setting a space for our partner to truly meet, love, and accept us. What can be more sexy or healing for a marriage than that?

In practical terms, the next time you are feeling emotionally triggered by something your partner did or said, discuss it with them instead of ignoring it. Ignoring a problem will only build resentment and create distance. Difficult conversations are usually the ones worth having and almost always lead to more emotional closeness. It is this emotional closeness that is a precursor to great sex, but that so often gets eroded by the daily monotony of marriage. 

You could choose to have an honest and open conversation about the turn your sex life has taken. As long as you both conceive of it in the right way and don’t become defensive, it can be a wonderful chance to grow and move forward together.

spice up the bedroom

4) Sleeping in separate beds

There are a multitude of problems that come with sharing a bed

When we sleep in separate beds, it is easier to maintain polarity. Instead of waking up multiple times in the night to the sound of your partner snoring and fantasizing about smothering them to death with the pillow, you will have the chance to sleep alone and wake up feeling actually refreshed. You will harbor no resentment towards your spouse for an inadequate night’s sleep. 

If you wake up feeling tired from an interrupted night’s sleep and annoyed at your spouse it affects your entire day. 

Generally, when we are irritated and frustrated by another person we do not want to make hot, steamy love to them! 

As I mentioned in this article, maintaining strong polarity is vital for maintaining feelings of attraction, lust, and keeping your sexual desires high. Polarity can be reduced down to the simple premise that opposites attract. Sleeping in the same bed also eats away at the polarity. 

Sleeping in separate beds dials up the polarity. It allows each spouse to sleep in their specific, preferred sleeping conditions and wake up resentment free. 

Whatsmore, sleeping in separate beds removes the connection between sleep and sex – meaning that it becomes an option at any time of day, not just in the morning or at night. Separate beds can bring some of the excitement, anticipation, and spontaneity back to an otherwise lackluster sex life.


We should not jump to conclusions or make assumptions when a marriage seems to be losing its original spark. This is an entirely natural process and is something most married couples go through. The crux point is how you react to it as a couple. There are always things that you can do to spice up the bedroom – the four ideas in this article are just a starting point. You might also be keen on reading about 25 hot bedroom ideas for sexy dating and married couples.

If you are reading this article now, I would assume that something in your sex life or your marriage is feeling a little off. If you are a man and you are intrigued by the ideas I have shared above, you might want to check out my free marriage masterclass for men. In the masterclass, I go into more depth on how to reignite spark and passion within your marriage, whilst remaining true to yourself. When you take my masterclass, I will give you the tools you need to make your confidence soar and your marriage thrive. Not only will you learn how to spice things up in the bedroom, but you will also learn how to build a harmonious, spiritual, and deeply fulfilling coexistence.

If you are a woman reading this article – you might want to point your husband in the direction of the masterclass.

I believe all love should be cherished, savored, and given a chance to not just survive – but thrive. Don’t you?

Steffo Shambo

Steffo Shambo

Men's Relationship Coach

Steffo is the founder of The Tantric Man Experience, the #1 masculine mentorship program in the world. There he helps men in relationships reignite the passion to restore their marriages from the brink of divorce. And single men attract their dream women naturally with success. He's on a mission to guide men towards an intimate and meaningful relationship, and end the war with their sexuality, so they can finally become integrated men, fathers, brothers, husbands, and leaders in the world.

“It meant a paradigm shift in life.” – Patrik, Sweden
“Life-changing experience.” – Antonio, Italy

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