Table of Contents
Introduction to sexual confidence
Unfortunately, society tends to create a stereotype for the type of man who lacks sexual confidence.
When we imagine a man with little confidence in his bedroom abilities we might imagine a computer nerd hunched over his computer keyboard. He spends his days alone in his bedroom playing World of Warcraft and masturbating. He has never had a girlfriend. Maybe he has never even had sex. He is lacking in sexual confidence – after all…?
This kind of stereotype is actually far from the truth. In reality, most men suffer from a lack of sexual confidence at some point in their lives.
Many of the men I have worked with are extremely successful, good-looking, and talented human beings. They have well-paid jobs. They are entrepreneurs with high-flying, established businesses, and seemingly lots going for them.
At the same time, they are lacking in confidence sexually. Although they seem to be mastering life in all areas, the lack of confidence in their sexual abilities is eating away their confidence in other areas. Our sexual energy is our fundamental life force energy. If we are lacking in sexual confidence then we will be lacking in confidence towards life itself.
Why do so many of us lack sexual confidence?
As men, there are so many expectations placed upon us when it comes to sex. Yet nobody ever told us what to do in order to meet those expectations. Let alone discuss those expectations and whether or not they were even realistic.
Nobody teaches us how to have sex or to be confident in the bedroom. In school, we are taught about the importance of using condoms and how to avoid pregnancy, but that’s as far as it goes.
Most men, therefore, receive their sex ‘education’ from watching porn. This is highly problematic (although normal and nothing to be ashamed of). Pornography is highly staged, faked, edited, and cut. In porn, we see men with HUGE penises and perfect six-packs f*cking endlessly. The girls are screaming and squirting and coming again and again. We are led to believe that this is what sex must be like.
We are led to believe that we need to have a massive penis and make girls squirt and orgasm repeatedly in order to be worthy. When we start having sex during the tender years of our teens and twenties and it isn’t like that, we question ourselves and feel inadequate. A lot of men are never given any reason to question this inadequacy, so it sticks.
This feeling of inadequacy in the realm of sex is particularly damaging because it permeates our entire being and erodes our confidence in other areas. Despite appearing outwardly confident and successful, a man who is lacking in sexual confidence may find himself unable to attract women or have much luck in the dating scene. He may be asking himself why he seems to have everything else in life at the age of 36… Other than the one thing he most wants – a loving relationship with a good woman.
The impacts of having low sexual confidence
I have found that some men are so direly lacking in sexual confidence that they can barely talk to women at all. Let alone approach a woman they find attractive and ask them on a date.
The problem can be so severe that it even affects their appearance and the way they carry themselves. They do not stand up tall and straight and boldly approach women with assertiveness and ease. They appear hunched and recoiled. They find it hard to look a woman in the eye. Women can smell this lack of confidence from a mile off and do not find this kind of man attractive. This lack of interest from women will serve to reaffirm what the man believes to be true – that he is inadequate and unworthy. It is a hard cycle to break free of.
Inside of a relationship, a man who is lacking in sexual confidence falls in love quickly. His self-esteem is usually low, and this can cause him to fall for any girl that gives him attention. Relationships for these men can be hard. He compares himself to other men and feels jealous and possessive of his partner. Intimacy and honesty are two of the cornerstones for a successful, deep, and harmonious relationship. A man who is lacking in sexual confidence struggles with both of these things. He feels compounded by shame and inadequacy and unable to open up to his partner. For this reason, a man with low sexual confidence is unlikely to be experiencing the vast, expansive depths of love, sex, and intimacy that two human beings inside a relationship are capable of.
How to become more sexually confident
Is anything in this article speaking to you? I bet at least some of it is. A lack of sexual confidence is common and very normal. Thankfully, it can quite easily be overcome. Even if you have identified with the man who is unable to look a woman in the eye, there are many things that you can do in order to feel sexually confident.
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The benefits of improving your sexual confidence won’t just impact your sex life and bring amazing women into your life. It will ripple into all areas of your life. Once you find your sexual confidence and the natural, masculine empowerment that is your birthright, your life will begin to change and align in ways that you cannot even imagine.
So, here are my top three tips for how to become a sexually confident, empowered man. Whether you are single and looking for love or inside of a relationship already, I recommend you read through and implement these strategies as soon as possible. Taken from years of work with real men with real sexual confidence issues, I have consistently seen them transform lives for the better.
1) Tackle shame
When it comes to being confident in the bedroom, men believe that they simply need to learn a few new ‘tricks’ to perform in between the sheets in order to please women.
In fact, the first and most important step towards true sexual confidence and self-mastery is removing blockages. The most important of which is shame.
Shame is the most toxic and low vibration emotion of all. It is highly damaging to the human system and brings about insecurity, numbness, and disconnection from the body. Unfortunately, sexual shame is rife in society today. It is handed down to us by our well-meaning but usually unaware parents.
When a man is blighted by sexual shame, he is not showing up for himself or for anyone else.
The greatest gift we can give to others is our presence and our undivided attention. When we feel shame on a daily basis we are living in our head. We are never fully present. Whether it be during conversation at first meeting or during love making, it is obvious and it carries an energy of disconnection. Our romantic interest or our partner will feel the disconnection and be repelled by it.
When we are held back by shame we are unable to express ourselves fully and release our full power and potential as a man.
Tackle shame head-on with the mirror exercise
One technique for tackling shame head on is standing naked in front of the mirror. When was the last time you did this? Have you ever done it? What feeling arises inside of you as you read this?
Are you feeling constriction and retraction? Does the thought of coming face-to-face with your own naked body and your genitals fill you with dread? If so, you would probably benefit a lot from this exercise!
I task many of my clients to do this for a few minutes a day, every day. At first, it will be confronting and challenging. Eventually, it will become less and less daunting. You will start to learn to love your naked body. I have even got some of my clients dancing naked in front of the mirror! Replacing shame with self-love, joy, and ecstasy is the first and most important, unmissable step in your journey towards sexual confidence. So what are you waiting for – go and dance in front of that mirror and appreciate yourself for all that you are.
2) Stop the porn addiction
We have already discussed how porn can create unrealistic expectations for how we should perform in the bedroom. Porn is hyper-focused on performance, endurance, and making women squirt. In the real world, sex should be a gateway to deep connection, intimacy, and soul-bonding. Watching porn encourages us men to believe that the goal of sex is to make a woman squirt. This leads to being in the head and treating sex like a task instead of relaxing into the present moment. Women are emotionally intelligent, intuitive creatures. When a man is in his head and just focusing on the goal of orgasm – they can feel this – and it is highly offputting.
It is difficult to watch porn and simultaneously not be influenced by it. This is why quitting the porn addiction is one of my top tips for becoming more sexually confident.
Whatsmore, porn disturbs the dopamine (pleasure and reward) system of the brain. This makes us addicted to highly stimulating activities or substances. When we are addicted to super-stimulants, it is very difficult to get pleasure from anything that is not super-stimulating.
Dopamine problems can lead to bigger issues such as depression, apathy and low mood. Depressed, apathetic, and low mood are not the personality attributes of sexually confident, empowered men!
Sometimes smaller, more subtle things can make a very big difference. Everything is energy and energy is all about vibration. Quit the porn addiction, heal your brain, and raise your vibration. Change your vibration and everything else in your life will follow suit.
3) Identify and shed your self-limiting beliefs
A self-limiting belief is something like ‘I am not capable of pleasuring women because my penis is too small’.
Self-limiting beliefs are not based in reality but at the same time, they can be powerfully convincing. The limiting belief about needing to have a big penis in order to please women is frighteningly common among men. We are conditioned from childhood to believe that men need a big penis in order to be adequate and accepted.
Don’t agree with me on this? How old were you when you first heard someone say that a man with a big car is making up for having a small penis? If you are anything like me, you were probably pretty young.
In reality, any man is capable of giving women earth-shattering, full-body orgasms without having a huge penis. We have simply been conditioned by society – and porn – to believe that this is not the case. Porn uses men who account for less than 1% of the population when it comes to penis size. The vast majority of men who are not in this 1% are left feeling inadequate and ashamed of the size of their penis.
Does size matter for sexual confidence?
The simple truth is that if you ask a woman about her experiences with men with large and small penises, she will almost ALWAYS tell you that size is not important. The key to giving women orgasms is technical skills. You need to know where to touch her, how to touch her, and for how long. Any man with two hands is capable of giving women orgasms – regardless of the size of his penis – I PROMISE.
This is all of course pertaining to the notion that sex and pleasing women is all about orgasms. For a woman, sex is about so much more than orgasms. Ask any woman about this and she will tell you that some of the best sexual experiences of her life have not involved orgasm. Sex can be a portal to unparalleled levels of connection, love, and intimacy. Sex can be as much about God, sacredness, and transdimensional experiences as it can be about penetration, doing it doggy style and orgasms.
So my third and final tip is to make a list of your own limiting beliefs about yourself when it comes to sex. First and foremost, ditch the idea that you have to have a massive d*ck in order to please women. This is an utterly toxic, destructive and false idea that society has unfortunately burdened upon all men from a young age.
My conclusion on sexual confidence
So, we have seen how a lack of sexual confidence can arise. We have seen how damaging it can be whether you are single or in a relationship. Due to the fact that our feelings around sexuality permeate all areas of life, if we are lacking in sexual confidence, we are in trouble.
Through tackling our shame, quitting the porn addiction, and working through our self-limiting beliefs, much progress can be made.
If you are single, working on your sexual confidence can help to prepare you for your next relationship. If will also help you to attract a better partner – or your first partner if you have never had one. Your strong masculine presence and energy will be quite literally delicious and tantalizing to the women you come into contact with. You can learn more about how to boost your sexual confidence in my free training for single men here.
If you are in a relationship, particularly one that is on the rocks or struggling, I strongly advise you to work on the issues surrounding sexual confidence. Your sexual confidence will dictate the level to which you are able to be intimate with your partner. If you are lacking in sexual confidence, your relationship will be lacking in sex. It is really as simple as that. A declining sex life can bring about a rift, cause a relationship to break up, and even end marriages. You can watch my free training for men in relationships in order to build your sexual confidence, take back your masculine power, and save your relationship here.
Men's Relationship Coach
Steffo is the founder of The Tantric Man Experience, the #1 masculine mentorship program in the world. There he helps men in relationships reignite the passion to restore their marriages from the brink of divorce. And single men attract their dream women naturally with success. He's on a mission to guide men towards an intimate and meaningful relationship, and end the war with their sexuality, so they can finally become integrated men, fathers, brothers, husbands, and leaders in the world.
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