3 Secrets You Need To Know To Improve Your Sexual Confidence

In this article, I will share some of my secrets on how to feel more sexually confident. During my time as a tantric practitioner and coach, I have worked with men from all over the world to improve their sexual confidence. Low sexual confidence is one of the most common complaints that I hear from new clients.

Introduction to sexual confidence

Unfortunately, society tends to create a stereotype for the type of man who lacks sexual confidence. It is usually the opposite of the alpha male traits men are told to aspire to, and that gap does its own damage. 

When we imagine a man with little confidence in his bedroom abilities we might imagine a computer nerd hunched over his computer keyboard. He spends his days alone in his bedroom playing World of Warcraft and masturbating. He has never had a girlfriend. Maybe he has never even had sex. He is lacking in sexual confidence – after all…?

This kind of stereotype is actually far from the truth. In reality, most men suffer from a lack of sexual confidence at some point in their lives. 

Many of the men I have worked with are extremely successful, good-looking, and talented human beings. They have well-paid jobs. They are entrepreneurs with high-flying, established businesses, and seemingly lots going for them. 

At the same time, they are lacking in confidence sexually. Although they seem to be mastering life in all areas, the lack of confidence in their sexual abilities is eating away their confidence in other areas. Our sexual energy is our fundamental life force energy. If we are lacking in sexual confidence then we will be lacking in confidence towards life itself.

Why do so many of us lack sexual confidence?

As men, there are so many expectations placed upon us when it comes to intimacy. Yet nobody ever told us what to do in order to meet those expectations. Let alone discuss those expectations and whether or not they were even realistic.

Nobody teaches us how to have sex or to be confident in the bedroom. In school, we are taught about the importance of using condoms and how to avoid pregnancy, but that’s as far as it goes.

Most men, therefore, receive their sex education from watching explicit content. This is highly problematic (although normal and nothing to be ashamed of). Pornography is highly staged, faked, edited, and cut. We see men with idealized bodies performing unrealistically in staged scenes. Actors appear to experience repeated peak moments. We are led to believe that this is what intimacy must be like. 

We are led to believe that we need to have a large penis and make partners orgasm repeatedly in order to be worthy. When we start making love during the tender years of our teens and twenties, and it isn’t like that, we question ourselves and feel inadequate. Many men are never given a reason to question this inadequacy, so it persists.

This feeling of inadequacy in the realm of intimacy is particularly damaging because it permeates our entire being and erodes our confidence in other areas. Despite appearing outwardly confident and booming, a man lacking in sexual confidence may struggle to attract women or have much luck in the dating scene. He may be asking himself why he seems to have everything else in life at the age of 36… Other than the one thing he most wants – a loving relationship with a good woman.

The impacts of having low sexual confidence

I have found that some men are so direly lacking in sexual confidence that they can barely talk to women at all. Let alone approach a woman they find attractive and ask them on a date. 

The problem can be so severe that it even affects their appearance and the way they carry themselves. They do not stand up tall and straight and boldly approach women with assertiveness and ease. They appear hunched and recoiled. They find it hard to look a woman in the eye. Women can smell this lack of confidence from a mile off and do not find this kind of man attractive. This lack of interest from women will serve to reaffirm what the man believes to be true – that he is inadequate and unworthy. It is a hard cycle to break free of.

Within a relationship, a man who lacks sexual confidence tends to fall in love quickly. His self-esteem is typically low, and this can lead him to fall for any girl who shows him attention. Relationships can be challenging for these men. He compares himself to other men and feels jealous and possessive of his partner. Intimacy and honesty are two of the cornerstones of a successful, deep, and harmonious relationship. A man who is lacking in sexual confidence struggles with both of these things. He feels compounded by shame and inadequacy and is unable to open up to his partner. For this reason, a man with low sexual confidence is unlikely to be experiencing the vast, expansive depths of love, sex, and intimacy that two human beings inside a relationship are capable of.

How to become more sexually confident

Is anything in this article speaking to you? I bet at least some of it is. A lack of sexual confidence is common and very normal. Thankfully, it can quite easily be overcome. Even if you have identified with the man who is unable to look a woman in the eye, there are many things that you can do in order to feel sexually confident.

The benefits of improving your sexual confidence won’t just impact your sex life and bring amazing women into your life. It will ripple into all areas of your life, because sexual confidence is downstream of masculine energy rather than separate from it. Once you find your sexual confidence and the natural, masculine empowerment that is your birthright, your life will begin to change and align in ways that you cannot even imagine.

So, here are my top three tips for how to become a sexually confident, empowered man. Whether you are single and looking for love or inside of a relationship already, I recommend you read through and implement these strategies as soon as possible. Taken from years of work with real men with real sexual confidence issues, I have consistently seen them transform lives for the better.

1) Tackle shame

When it comes to being confident in the bedroom, men believe that they simply need to learn a few new ‘tricks’ to perform in bed to please women.

In fact, the first and most important step towards true sexual confidence and self-mastery is removing blockages. The most important of which is shame.

Shame is the most toxic and low vibration emotion of all. It is highly damaging to the human system and brings about insecurity, numbness, and disconnection from the body. Unfortunately, sexual shame is rife in society today. It is handed down to us by our well-meaning but usually unaware parents.

When a man is blighted by sexual shame, he is not showing up for himself or for anyone else. 

The greatest gift we can give to others is our presence and our undivided attention. When we feel shame on a daily basis we are living in our head. We are never fully present. Whether it be during conversation at first meeting or during love making, it is obvious and it carries an energy of disconnection. Our romantic interest or our partner will feel the disconnection and be repelled by it.

When we are held back by shame we are unable to express ourselves fully and release our full power and potential as a man.

Tackle shame head-on with the mirror exercise

One technique for tackling shame head-on is to stand unclothed before the mirror to practice self-acceptance and body appreciation. When was the last time you did this? Have you ever done it? What feeling arises inside of you as you read this?

Are you feeling constriction and retraction? Does the thought of coming face-to-face with your own naked body and your genitals fill you with dread? If so, you would probably benefit a lot from this exercise!

I task many of my clients to do this for a few minutes a day, every day. At first, it will be confronting and challenging. Eventually, it will become less and less daunting. You will start to learn to love your naked body. I have even got some of my clients dancing naked in front of the mirror! Replacing shame with self-love, joy, and ecstasy is the first and most important, unmissable step in your journey towards sexual confidence. So what are you waiting for – go and dance in front of that mirror and appreciate yourself for all that you are.

2) Stop the porn addiction

We have already discussed how explicit content can create unrealistic expectations for how we should perform in the bedroom. Adult content is hyper-focused on performance, endurance, and making women squirt. In the real world, sex should be a gateway to deep connection, intimacy, and soul-bonding. Watching adult content encourages us men to believe that the goal of sex is to make a woman squirt. This leads to being in the head and treating sex like a task instead of relaxing into the present moment. Women are often emotionally intelligent and intuitive creatures. When a man is in his head and just focusing on the goal of a quick release, they can feel this, and it is highly off-putting.

It is challenging to watch explicit content and remain unaffected by it. This is why quitting the porn addiction is one of my top tips for becoming more sexually confident. 

What's more, heavy pornography use appears to affect the brain's dopamine-driven reward system. A review of the neuroscience on internet pornography describes changes consistent with other reward-driven habits. I should be straight about the state of this evidence though: much of it is correlational, the field is genuinely contested, and "porn addiction" is not a recognised diagnosis. This makes us addicted to highly stimulating activities or substances. When we are addicted to super-stimulants, it is tough to get pleasure from anything that is not super-stimulating. 

What I see consistently in coaching is a flattening — less drive, less interest in real intimacy, a duller response to ordinary pleasure. Whether that is a dopamine mechanism or simply what happens when a compulsive habit crowds out everything else, I cannot tell you. If low mood has become persistent, that is a conversation for a doctor rather than something to solve by willpower. Depressed, apathetic, and low mood are not the personality attributes of sexually confident, empowered men! 

Sometimes, smaller, more subtle things can make a very big difference. Everything is energy, and energy is all about vibration. Break free from adult content addiction, heal your brain, and elevate your vibration. Change your vibration, and everything else in your life will follow suit.

3) Identify and release your self-limiting beliefs

A self-limiting belief is a story you tell yourself about why you are not enough. For many people, one of the most common examples is the idea that their body does not measure up or that their ability to bring pleasure is lacking. These thoughts are deeply rooted in cultural conditioning and often reinforced by unrealistic portrayals in adult media.

From a very young age, men are exposed to messaging equating physical size or performance with worthiness. Popular culture and adult content rarely show real intimacy; instead, they display idealized bodies and exaggerated experiences that shape distorted expectations. Over time, these images can foster feelings of inadequacy and shame regarding natural anatomy or physical performance.

The truth is that confidence, presence, and emotional connection matter far more than physical traits. Intimate satisfaction is built through communication, trust, and understanding—not physical size. As tantric teachings emphasize, awakening genuine pleasure involves the integration of body, heart, and energy, rather than focusing solely on technique or appearance.

To begin releasing these limiting beliefs:

• Acknowledge the false stories you’ve absorbed. Write them down so you can see them clearly.
• Replace each belief with an empowering truth, such as “Authentic intimacy is created through connection and awareness.”
• Reconnect with your body using embodied practices—focus on what feels alive rather than how you think you should appear or perform.
• Shift your focus from goal-oriented thoughts like “performance” or “pleasing” to shared exploration and energetic presence.

Remember, your sense of worth and your ability to love and connect are not defined by physical attributes—they are reflections of self-acceptance, openness, and emotional attunement. When self-limiting beliefs dissolve, intimate confidence naturally expands into every area of life.

My conclusion on sexual confidence

So, we have seen how a lack of sexual confidence can arise. We have seen how damaging it can be whether you are single or in a relationship. Due to the fact that our feelings around sexuality permeate all areas of life, if we are lacking in sexual confidence, we are in trouble.

Through tackling our shame, quitting the adult content addiction, and working through our self-limiting beliefs, much progress can be made.

If you want to go deeper, watch my free training in order to build your sexual confidence and take back your masculine power.