How To Heal Sexual Trauma (5 Best Ways & Somatic Therapy)

If you want to heal sexual trauma, this article on sexual trauma therapy is for you.

You may have spent hours in (and possibly thousands of) therapists’ offices, wondering why you are not making any progress. For some men the material sits further back than the event itself, in territory the shadow work prompts are designed to reach.

If so, you may have neglected the somatic aspect of healing sexuality. In healing sexuality after trauma, somatics is key.

You must combine the professional help of a therapist with somatic work. If you do, I firmly believe you can completely heal.

Many kinds of trauma healing ignore the somatic aspect. But what is trauma healing if it doesn’t include the thing that underwent the trauma - the body itself?

Today I’ll shed light on this often neglected part of the healing process. I’ll explain a bit about somatics and embodiment and give you five powerful ways you can start healing from sexual trauma today.

What is somatic therapy compared to traditional sexual trauma therapy?

The two are not in competition. Most people do best with both, and a somatic practitioner working alongside a qualified trauma therapist is the safest combination.

For those who aren’t sure what I’m talking about, somatics includes the body.

This is integral to healing, often left out of traditional sexual trauma therapy.

Traditional sexual trauma therapy focuses on the psychological aspects of trauma. Somatic healing approaches sexual trauma from the stance that the mind, body, and emotions are linked. That approach has been tested rather than only asserted. A randomised controlled trial of Somatic Experiencing for PTSD found significant symptom reductions, a second trial found benefit for people with PTSD symptoms alongside chronic low back pain, and a scoping review of sixteen studies reported positive effects on PTSD symptoms and wellbeing, noting that where studies had methodological weaknesses those had if anything understated the effect rather than inflated it. That is a promising evidence base rather than a settled one, and it is more honest to describe it that way.

Through studying the body, the true self is revealed.

And through working on becoming more embodied, we can release pain, shame, and trauma linked to the past.

“We do not talk enough about the importance of embodiment, and what happens to us when we are disconnected from our physical selves… Trauma victims cannot recover until they become familiar with and befriend the sensations in their bodies. Being frightened means that you live in a body that’s always on guard. Angry people live in angry bodies.”

- Dr. Brene Brown, Atlas of The Heart.

If this sounds far-fetched, imagine someone who is sitting on the floor. Their legs are hugged tightly into their chest. Chin tucked to their knees. This person is feeling threatened. Their stance is to protect them. The body speaks the words the mouth cannot utter.

Somatics and sexual trauma

When it comes to sexual abuse, and particularly child sexual abuse, somatic healing is even more important.

Sexual abuse touches and enters the body in the most literal sense. When a child is being sexually assaulted, they often disassociate. This is a wonderful way of dealing with the abuse while it is still happening. It helps the child to survive the sexual violence and relieves them.

But that relief is temporary. The experience leaves its mark in the body. It is worth being precise about what that means, because the popular version of the claim overstates it. That trauma dysregulates the autonomic nervous system and alters the stress response is well supported, and it is why survivors so often describe symptoms they cannot think their way out of. The stronger claim, that memories are literally stored in tissue, is contested: a peer-reviewed analysis in the BJPsych Bulletin worked through 122 separate claims in The Body Keeps the Score and found evidence that was in places incomplete, selectively presented, or inconsistent with the wider literature. Body-based work does not need the stronger claim in order to be worth doing. Sometimes it shows up as actual physical ailments or illnesses. In other times, uncomfortable emotions.

Through somatics, we can finally reach those pains in the cracks and crevices where those emotions are stored. And this is how they are finally felt, faced, and healed. For sexual abuse survivors, the only way out is through.

Hopefully, I’ve given a decent enough explanation of why somatics is so incredibly important to healing sexual trauma.

Let’s get going with the list of ways you can heal sexual trauma, the somatic (and tantric) way.

5 steps to heal sexual trauma using somatic and tantric therapy

1. Self-pleasure

The primary step towards healing sexual trauma begins in your bedroom, at home.

Self-pleasure is not something that comes easily to a victim of sexual trauma. But it is crucial in the healing process.

Having sex with yourself is the most potent tool in your toolkit.

Victims of sexual abuse often struggle with self-denial of pleasure. To get past this block and become sexually liberated, you must get past this.

Self-pleasure can reduce stress, and orgasm has been shown to raise pain thresholds temporarily. I am not going to tell you it corrects hormonal imbalances. A big O' fires off opioid-like chemicals in the brain, which is why we get that ‘chill pill’ vibe after we have reached the big O'.

Self-pleasure is also very good for exploring what kinds of touch you do and do not respond to sexually. This is particularly the case for women. Women’s pelvic neuroanatomy is genuinely complex, and it varies considerably from one woman to the next, which is one reason two people can experience the same touch very differently. If you want to experience authentic, deeply felt experiences of joy and inner connection, you must start alone.

When alone, you are free of any pressures, fears, expectations, or triggers. You can take the time to identify and work through your blockages. Some areas may illicit a freeze response. You can then choose to navigate this problem area alone, or with a mental health professional.

2. Discovering your desire

Mindful body connection can help survivors gently reconnect with bodily sensations and presence. But a sexual abuse survivor will often still have a very low libido.

Even though they may be comfortable with intimacy, it is difficult or impossible to want it. If they do want it, they may well feel guilty. Physical intimacy was once associated with so much shame. Shame is one of the stickiest emotions. It is very hard to break free of.

But as human beings, we are wired to want physical union, because it is one of life’s greatest pleasures. The world and the human race exist because of it.

To feel no desire can make you feel empty and hollow as if you have been left out of life, somehow.

Our entire society is built (and advertised) around sex. Either subtly or unsubtly. Not feeling any sexual desire at all can be extremely alienating.

When it comes to relationships, low sexual desire can bring along with it a whole host of problems. Great sex should be the glue that unites a couple emotionally, spiritually, and physically. When libidos clash, tension and resentment can arise.

Exercise for reconnecting with your desire

First, please remember that your desire resides within your body. It ripples through you to a greater or lesser extent, all the time.

Someone who has been sexually assaulted still has desire. They have just become desensitized to it.

This is not dissimilar to the work I do with men around vital life-force energy and big O' control. Life-force energy is constantly flowing through us. Any moment can be ecstatic. We just need to become sensitive enough to it.

The pelvic rock exercise

This involves lying on your back in a bridge position. Then, gently rock your pelvis back and forth. Continue like this as slowly as you can, whilst breathing deeply and feeling grounded into the floor supporting you.

It is a sexual motion. And it should begin to feel arousing at some point.

At which point depends on your stage of the healing journey. Even if you don’t get aroused at all, this is OK.

3. Embodiment

Embodiment is linked to self-pleasure. In that masturbation can help us to become more embodied during sexual activity.

But becoming more embodied in everyday life is a healing process of its own.

Being disembodied serves as a shield. It protects us from experiencing uncomfortable emotions in ALL areas of life. But it also stops us from experiencing full joy and bliss.

After a sexual assault, the body has been afflicted in such a real and violent way. A survivor will live their life ‘checked out of their body.

Hence embodiment practices can help a survivor of sexual assault with their healing process.

Embodiment practices can provide you with a way to handle the intense feelings that life throws at us. Particularly anger, shame, and fear, which are all very present after a sexual assault.

Embodiment practices can also help us to self-regulate. They can quieten the stress response when we feel threatened. This stress response is acutely sensitive in adult survivors of sexual assault and is easily triggered.

Belly breathing

Belly breathing is (almost) as simple as it sounds.

It involves consciously attuning to your breath. Pay attention to how you are breathing throughout multiple points of the day.

Are you breathing slowly and deeply through your nose? Or are you taking shallow, rapid breaths through the mouth? Neither of these is wrong or right. But it can give you an insight into how you are feeling emotionally.

Place a hand on top of your belly. Breathe deeply and fully into that hand. You should feel it rising and falling.

Whenever you remember to turn your focus to your breath, revert to belly breathing.

Bodywork

Another crucial aspect in the healing process of a sexual abuse survivor is bodywork. In the world of somatic healing, bodywork is an essential part of any person’s journey.

Bodywork and massage are also highly prominent in the practice of Tantra. Mindful massage is a unique kind of massage. It is deeply intimate. A mindful massage is an excellent way to deepen the connection between two lovers. It is also helpful in healing from sexual trauma or sexual abuse.

However, sometimes a tantric massage (like the one in this yoni massage guide) can be too intense.

When there has been severe emotional scarring, non-sexual bodywork is where you should start.

Bodywork can be helpful on two counts for someone who has experienced sexual abuse.

The first is that it helps the sexual violence survivor to become comfortable with physical touch.

The second is that it can open up the areas of the body where you have a freeze response. In Tantra, we refer to this as emotional release techniques.

Bodywork can assist a great deal in healing from sexual abuse. If you are uncomfortable with touch, you will lose many beautiful opportunities to connect and share intimacy.

Finding the right practitioner

There are of course some risk factors for a sexual trauma survivor with bodywork. Anyone who has experienced extreme sexual harassment or sexual abuse will naturally feel some anxiety around being touched. Their mental health can suffer. And the anticipation of a bodywork session can cause significant issues when it comes to mental health.

This is why it is important to find the right practitioner.

Usually, a same-sex practitioner tends to feel the safest.

Once trust is established, bodywork can be a massive part of the healing journey. But it needs to be with the right person. Ideally, there should be a long-term relationship with that bodyworker. Hence the work can go deeper and deeper into the body each time.

A final word on embodiment

Coming back to your body can be hard after experiencing sexual violence. Your body was taken and used against you.

It can feel safer to check out and stay disconnected.

This is why embodiment practices should be taken slowly. Don’t rush immediately into a 6-handed massage. Sexual abuse is a deeply embedded trauma. Don’t try to run before you can walk.

4. Healing sexual avoidance

Surviving sexual abuse or sexual violence can lead to a great deal of sexual avoidance, and self-denial of pleasure. Sexual avoidance sucks the pleasure from life through a straw. It can also land you in a sexless marriage and many relationship issues.

For a sexual assault victim, sexual avoidance can show up in the following ways:

• Purposefully not dating because of a fear that it could lead to sex
• Being afraid to ask for what you want, sexually
• Doing things that you don’t want to do, sexually
• Having very loose boundaries
• Feeling guilty when you experience pleasure
• Experiencing a great deal of shame related to sexuality and sexual experiences
• Rejecting your partner (continually) when they try to initiate sexual intimacy

Experiencing sexual violence teaches you that your body is just a tool for others. Your feelings and experiences do not matter. But they do matter. And that is why you need to heal.

Healing from sexual avoidance will thrust your healing process forwards. It can also heal your relationship.

List exercises

Begin with exploring how sexual avoidance has helped you. Take a pen and paper and write a list.

Next, write a list of all how sexual avoidance has harmed you. Simply putting these things down on paper helps to bring them into reality.

Then, think about the meaning of being aroused. Write down anything that comes to mind. All experiences that you have had are relevant.

Next, make a list of the best possible outcomes of moving away from sexual avoidance. When you have experienced sexual trauma, this may be difficult. You can turn to some resources to help if needed.

Finally, list down all of the worst possible outcomes of embracing your sexuality. This will (hopefully) help you to realize that the worst is not that bad. Furthermore, the risk is worth it, to achieve the best possible outcomes in the list above.

5. Relieving yourself of shame

This last point is possibly the most important of all the steps.

Childhood sexual abuse, date rape, sexual assault, and sexual harassment are awful things for a human being to have to go through.

They are traumatic in and of themselves. And the inevitable shame with which they are laced can make a victim feel incredibly isolated.

This shame doesn’t just exist in the mind. It also shows up in the body. Shame is often insidious. We don’t even know we have it. But somatics can help to identify the clues.

A sexual assault victim experiencing shame may present physically in the following ways:

1. Hunched shoulders
2. Looking at the floor whilst walking
3. Frequent blushing
4. Aversion to eye contact

Through consciously paying attention to things like your posture and the maintenance of eye contact, the body can communicate with the brain, and override some of the feelings of shame.

Finding a support group is also key. If you are a man who has experienced sexual abuse or assault, 1in6 runs free, confidential weekly online support groups specifically for male survivors, alongside a 24/7 helpline operated in partnership with RAINN. RAINN also operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline on 800.656.HOPE, connecting callers to more than 1,000 local service providers. Both are anonymous and free to use.

Many survivors go for years without telling anyone about their sexual assault or date rape. They feel dirty, violated, and ashamed.

Feeling understood will help to relieve you of shame. You will be able to feel self-love once again, in the loving presence of other survivors.

Conclusion

To sum up… To heal sexual trauma, you must work with the mind. But you must also work with the body. This is the essence of somatics and also the essence of Tantra. It is the essence of shadow work too, which turns towards what has been pushed away rather than managing around it. Trauma healing and shadow work are not separate projects. As mentioned above, the two share many similarities.

Thankfully, society today seems to be more accepting of the connection between mind and body. So hopefully the methods I have given you in this article make sense.

And sexual trauma isn’t only applicable to women. Although society suggests it is a woman’s problem, that is not the case.

As a tantric coach for men, I have clients coming to me with all kinds of sexual blockages and dysfunctions. Often due to trauma experienced in their adult life or their childhood.

If you are a man who has experienced sexual trauma and you want to go even deeper into your healing, I suggest checking out my free training for men here. Or perhaps your partner has experienced sexual trauma. In this case, my training can help you find out how to create a sexual relationship that feels safe and satisfying to you both.

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