The 3 Biggest Mistakes Men Make with Women
The 3 Biggest Mistakes Men Make with Women
Masculine and feminine energy does not equal man and woman
In this article, we’re going to look at 3 big mistakes men make that get in the way of that much sought-after peace of mind that leads to freedom. So let's explore these mistakes together in order to learn from them and avoid unnecessary and frequent complications in our relationships.
In order to avoid any confusions, I’d like to quickly point out that masculine energy and feminine energy do not equal man and woman. When I talk about masculine energy, it is as an embodiment of yang energy quality, with feminine energy being the yin energy quality. They do not pertain to any specific gender. Both men and women have these two energy qualities. The most politically correct way we could accurately describe the couple situation in this article is that this is the dynamic between a couple where one of the persons embodies a predominantly Yang energy and the counterpart embodies a predominately Yin energy.
Mistakes Men Make #1: He tries to please her by giving her freedom.
Because the masculine’s highest desire is to attain freedom, he naturally tries to drive that same desire onto his partner. The masculine believes that freedom is what the feminine desires as well. This, however, is not the case. The feminine core value is connection. Women feel free when they feel connected to you.
The masculine tries to please his partner by saying things like "hey babe, how about you do whatever you want and I'll do whatever I want?", or "don't tell me what to do, I never tell you what to do", and the worst one yet, "just look at it the way I see it and it should all be fine".
You focus on fixing her rather than trying to connect and understand. Why? Because in fixing things we free ourselves from problems. But trying to fix her will never work. Fixing the problem is bypassing the emotional level thus invalidating her feelings through the use of logic.
In trying to fix her to freedom, we are pulling her into the masculine mode. It is important to understand that this is all done with good intentions. The masculine thinks that fixing her will make things better since that is how it works for him.
So, what should we do instead of trying to fix her?
First, understand that the masculine and the feminine have different core values and that her primal value is connection while his primal core value is freedom.
In trying to give her freedom and not connecting with her, your partner will feel less connected to you. Furthermore, as a result of your trying to impose freedom without connection, she will feel less free – the exact opposite of what you want.
This will result in her feeling upset and angry, and thus making us feel trapped by the tense situation which is seemingly out of our control. If you’ve ever been in this situation, leave a “hell yes” comment below!
When a woman feels connected to her partner, she feels free. In this article, I’m going to teach you to achieve this! First thing’s first, practice connecting before correcting!
Guys, when you find yourself in a tense situation, watch out for these signs:
- Watch yourself offering her your perspective or your logical solution.
- Watch her body language for signs that she might be disconnected, such as; tension, rigidity, frowns, feeling shut down, arms crossed, and looking away.
- Practice mindfulness - notice your automatic reaction to try to correct her, and take ownership for your part. By being mindful, you can step back and say "honey, I totally see that I’m trying to fix you right now".
- Learn how to diminish the tension with lightness - learn how to play it off and laugh. Make her laugh by being silly or making light of the situation or of yourself. Playfulness will evaporate the tension. This of course, requires that you step away from your reactive mood and try not to take any of it personally. Remember that she is only upset because she does not feel connected to you, simple as that. It is usually not related to what she is arguing about. Learn to see through this and look at the lack of connection instead.
The relationship expert, John Gottman points out how crucially important it is to understand this difference in our core value. He said "How a man understands a woman’s emotions and responds to them will determine everything in the rest of his life. That’s the bottom line."
Mistakes Men Make #2: He challenges her to do or be “better”.
Men love a good challenge. It often awakens a spark of zest and ferocity for life. We rise to challenge and compete. Women, on the other hand, do not, because men and women are wired differently. And again, here we are talking about the couple dynamic mentioned at the beginning. Of course, women can and in fact, are thriving in what are traditionally seen as masculine trades and spaces such as the corporate world or high competition sports. It has nothing to do with gender.
But a person with predominately feminine energy working in masculine spaces might probably find themselves feeling burnt out faster and in need of rejuvenation since these spaces are created for and by people with a predominantly masculine energy. We must however, accept that since we are able to rise to the challenge, so can the feminine energy.
Man is socialized to value outcome over the relationship. He thus tries to make his partner better by pushing her to succeed and improve in ways that work for him but not necessarily for her. Even though that might seem like the logically right thing to do, it tends to come off as criticism. Doing this with your male friends is great and can help you grow and inspire each other from that challenging push, but when it comes to women, it’s a different story – it crushes the intimacy that you’ve worked so hard to build.
If we want to be able to create that deeper intimacy that we both so desire, we cannot treat our partners the same as we may our buddies. Men may not even realize they’re doing this. They subconsciously ascribe women to high standards and strong boundaries that they themselves follow – to be better and do better.
So, what can we do instead?
Start by understanding that she rises with praise.
Take an active role in supporting her in the things that she loves, the things that excite her. Don’t challenge her to succeed at things, but rather encourage and praise her in those aspects. We can do this by being curious and engaging her with questions about it. But do not offer your solutions and critiques unless she asks for constructive feedback.
Once you start doing this, you’ll notice almost instantly how she lights up and you will begin feeling a connection which is ultimately what you wanted.
Men wither away and lose a sense of their masculine aspect without challenge, so it’s still important to have that in your life as a masculine person. But instead of relying on your woman to do that for you, you need to rely on other masculine energies – probably amongst your close friends. That is a crucial part for a man to stay mentally healthy in a relationship, and in life.
Mistakes Men Make #3: He doesn’t allow himself to make mistakes.
The masculine identifies with doing. He wants to provide and fix things. Throughout history, it has been a big part of how men identify with themselves. So, it’s pretty ingrained in the collective subconscious of the masculine. Fear of failure is what scares men the most – that he does not amount to anything, and is not useful to her or his tribe.
To add to this, we have some men who distance themselves from their feelings. This can get pretty overwhelming when you have tumultuous feelings such as that of disappointment, fear of screwing up, and fear of making mistakes. This is because we never learned how to process those kinds of feelings or any other feeling for that matter.
If the ability to process these feelings was not learned in childhood, it has a tendency to grow into our adulthood as well, until and unless we make an actual proactive change to that pattern. Men need a kind of support system for owning those feelings and truly accepting them as they are.
Vulnerability is not a weakness as socially conditioned to believe
And that also plays into the socially programmed idea that vulnerability is considered a weakness and as a feminine trait. So, if you show your emotions, or if you cry, or if you talk about stuff that makes you vulnerable, you are a weakling, a wuss, or even “being a girl”. Boys are programmed from early on to believe that they are not man enough if they show emotions. Believing that false narrative of what a man should be like weakens his control over feelings and mistakes.
The more time that passes, the harder it is to undo years of this false narrative and live with it. We are lucky to be living in a time where it is becoming acceptable for men to start connecting with their feelings. This, however, doesn’t make it easy for men to simply forgo everything that they have been socialized to believe in. Although some men are still learning to be vulnerable when it comes to processing their feelings and emotions, the first step is to be aware of this ingrained concept of vulnerability being a weakness.
When a man does not allow himself to make mistakes or to process his feelings, he tends to raise walls around him causing him to become angry and resistant. He also becomes afraid of losing his status since a man’s status is traditionally seen as a key ranking factor in tribes – the higher the ranking, the better off he was to procreate with women. So, we have a built-in survival program to protect our status and our image, ensuring we are not seen as weaklings.
Stonewalling is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse
This is not only toxic for himself, but also for any relationship that he may have. It causes disconnection and conflict. In times of emotional turmoil, men tend to go silent and check out – not engaging in conversation, simply waiting for her storm to pass.
This is what John Gottman calls stonewalling, and is one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”.
Us men are constantly barraged by ideas of what masculinity is or isn’t, especially when we are growing up. It can be a confusing time and it doesn’t get any better by lack of mentorship or proper parental guidance. Traumatic experiences are tucked away in our shadow. Did you know that one out of six boys have been sexually abused? These kind of experiences results in withdrawn, confused young boys.
Trauma is not only caused by the obvious cases
The confusion and anger do not necessarily have to stem from sexual assault or abuse. It can also stem from a seemingly simple and ambiguous thing like being punished by parents, or being told that no matter what you do you aren’t good enough.
Imagine a boy trying to help his father in the garage and accidentally hands him the wrong tool. Instead of brushing it off the father starts screaming and shaming him for it. The father may be frustrated from a long day at work and decides to take it out on the boy. The child isn’t able to comprehend this. All he wanted was to help and impress his dad, and when he got dismissed and punished for trying to help, he feels utterly crushed.
Incidents like this can result in scarring memories that propel the boy to grow into a man who views mistakes as unacceptable in order to never feel like that again.
Carrying that forth in later years and into his adult relationships, trying to apply the same trauma of not knowing which is the right tool, when trying to deal with his partner is simply not going to work. We cannot heal our past by putting on a mask and ignoring our problems.
What is ultimately needed is to dismantle the mask. And in the end, that is what it is – a mask. One which does not represent who he truly is. It takes a lot of courage to allow himself to feel the pain and emotions behind said mask.
So, what can the adult man do instead?
First, understand that your defenses are cover-ups for your vulnerability. This can take a long time to understand and can be really difficult to discover because we identify with our defenses and think they are valid.
“I have the best of intentions”, is a defense mechanism. It is important to quickly identify these mechanisms and see them for what they are, learn about them and accept them. While they may have been created as a coping strategy when you were young, they no longer serve you in your adulthood. Thank these mechanisms for saving you during your rough times, and at the same time let them go and be free.
Understand that these mistakes men make do not define you. You are a human being and you will make mistakes. It is simply how we learn. Accept it and own it.
Healing your shadow will make you a more attractive person
Incidentally, owning your past and your mistakes tends to make you more attractive to women. You show them the real side of you and there is nothing more real than the truth.
Women enjoy honesty since it makes being connected that much easier. Her being upset shouldn’t be about you since it rarely ever is. Even if she is blaming you, try and identify why she is upset rather than engaging in pointless arguments.
Her wounds and her sensitivity are aspects that were part of her long before you came into the picture. So, don’t make it about yourself, even if it’s directed towards you – see through it. The best way to do this is to go through your own stuff first and figure it out.
Of course it is important to never point out that you know the situation isn’t really about you. Don’t say stuff like “This isn’t about me, it’s about…..” That is a surefire way to escalate things further. Keep this knowledge to yourself. Sit her down and ask for permission to converse about this matter in a safe non-triggering space when you are both feeling connected and happy.
Be genuinely willing to grow and learn. Take action. See if that will bring more freedom to you and your partner. Remember, if you want to get through conflict – practice connecting before correcting!
The consequences of the mistakes men make
Okay, so now that we’ve gone through the common mistakes, what do you think the consequences of them are?
These mistakes cause chronic disconnection, which leads to more fighting and less physical intimacy. This brings us back to the beginning of this article where I mentioned the two most common complaints that men have.
And consequently, that peace-of-mind and freedom that you wanted have gone up in flames…..
So there we go – the 3 big mistakes men make with women and how to deal with them. If you’ve ever experienced these dynamics in your life I would love to hear from you! Leave your story in the comment section below.
Do you want more?
And if you want more, to go deeper, and are serious about healing these mistakes by learning how to master your core masculine energy, consider joining my mentorship program The Tantric Man Experience where I coach you in transforming these aspects of your shadow in only 9 weeks. If this speaks to you, watch this free online training for men. At the end you of the training you will learn about how you can apply for the program. Please be aware that I only work with achievers who are 100% committed, so not every application will be approved.