8 Steps to Practice The Mindful Sensate Focus Exercise

Tired of digging up your intimate energy like it’s a buried treasure? Here’s how to renew the spark in your connection: a sensate focus exercise. 

Sensate focus is the key to healing through intimacy. Your intimate energy will shift from being blocked to flowing freely.

The evidence for it is real, but more modest than its reputation suggests. 

From performance-related tension to lost-in-translation arousal signals, all your sexy-time issues can be solved. 

Traditional sex therapy does give us a raw deal, focusing mainly on the nitty-gritty. 

Don't get me wrong, talk therapy is excellent—but it's just part of the story. 

The most effective solution is a holistic health approach - take that advice from someone like me who has helped hundreds of men become confident, loving partners in the bedroom.

And that’s what sensate focus is all about.

What Is Sensate Focus Therapy?

Sensate focus therapy is a structured, step-by-step approach to solving sexual intimacy problems. This framework was developed by a team of sex expert researchers known as Masters and Johnson. 

Masters and Johnson set out on a mission: to help individuals and couples facing intimacy issues. 

The main idea was to focus on the sensory experience of physical touch to help overcome sexual dysfunction.

Non-goal-oriented intimacy, mindful touch, and nonverbal communication are the core pillars that couples can use to overcome bedroom hurdles. 

Here’s an example. 

• A couple might start by agreeing not to make orgasm a goal.
• Then, proceed with non-genital touching.
• Each partner takes turns touching the other’s body: arms, legs, torso, you name it.
• The receiver pours their full attention on the sensation of the touch, not the sexual arousal of being touched.

As couples continue to practice over time, they can progress to more intimate touching. This leads to improvements in intimacy slowly but surely. 

By tackling your intimacy problems step-by-step, you’ll find that you’ll be able to concentrate better on the sensory experience. The performance will become a natural byproduct once you become more physically comfortable with your partner.

The Work of Sexual Pioneers: Masters and Johnson

I cannot write about this exercise without paying tribute to its two creators: Masters and Johnson. Both passed away; they deserve full credit for developing this powerful exercise.

Masters and Johnson were true pioneers of sex research. In the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s, they conducted the first-ever and, to date, the most extensive study on human sexology. Their research has won multiple awards and is now housed within the internationally renowned Kinsey Institute. Their reported success rates are worth reading with caution, though. In 1980 Bernie Zilbergeld and Philip Nobile argued the reporting was too loose to meet normal standards: men treated for impotence were counted as non-failures if they achieved erections half the time, and only five of 276 women treated for orgasmic difficulty were listed as failures. Masters and Johnson disputed the criticism. Much of their clinical work was never published in detail, which is why the headline percentages are hard to verify. At this time, their work was truly groundbreaking.

If you need more in-depth information on this topic, I highly recommend the book, ‘Sensate Focus in Therapy: The Illustrated Manual’ by Linda Weiner and Constance Avery Clark. Some ideas in this article are also inspired by their work and that of Masters and Johnson. I owe great gratitude to both authors.

Sensate focus exists because one of the two channels of closeness has usually shut down, and touch is the one it is easiest to reopen deliberately. Before you start the exercises, it is worth knowing which channel is actually starved in your relationship, because the answer changes how much of this you need.

The Benefits of Sensate Focus Therapy

Sensate therapy has potent sexual healing factors for men and women. To be specific, here are the difficulties sensate focus is most often used to work with: 

• A sexless marriage.
• Performance anxiety. 
• E.D. and P.E.
• Low libido and dryness.
• Genital loss of physical sensitivity

In other words, it is used clinically as part of treatment for sexual dysfunction. It’s a type of sex therapy that works for males and females. 

In both sexes, it can restore comfort during sexual activity. Sensate focus also brings about unparalleled levels of intimacy and love between partners. 

Years ago, I used this sensate focus to heal my intimacy issues. This is one of the main reasons I’m so passionate about the topic, and I now offer it in my coaching program.

Do sensate focus exercises actually work?

The sensate focus exercise has shown roaring success. It has been used for over 30 years since its development in the 1970s.

In 2016, a study was published in ResearchGate, citing an 83% success rate — though ResearchGate hosts preprints rather than peer-reviewed papers, so treat that figure as indicative rather than established. This is on the higher end of the commonly reported average of 50-90%. So, it is indeed a very effective treatment.

The high success rate is probably because it is a holistic therapy rather than a reductionist one. That is my own reading rather than something the research establishes.

Sensate focus has also been helpful for many people. These people have come from a wide variety of backgrounds and sexual orientations. 

Therefore, it can help anyone regardless of the following personal factors: 

• Race
• Gender
• Sexual orientation
• Lifestyle

What is sensate focus exercise?

The sensate focus exercise is a therapeutic technique focused on the physical touch between partners. However, this physical touch of bodies is performed non-sexually so that you can become more attuned to the physical feelings and pinpoint your comfort zones. 

Performing this exercise requires two things: 

• Mindfulness
• Guided touch 

Sensate focus exercises require you to shift your focus away from sexual activities. 

Instead, you concentrate on the more profound physical experiences, not how horny you are.

By doing so, you’ll be able to reflect deeply and understand your emotions, thoughts, and natural body responses. 

Over time, you’ll unlock the ability to touch more intimately. This restores normal libido levels in one or both partners—hence the word ‘sense-ate’ – emphasizing the use of the senses.

The underlying premise of this exercise is that a lack of sexual desire or libido comes from anxiety or discomfort related to sexual intimacy.

Masters and Johnson predicted that the mind would quieten, discomfort would be reduced, and libido would, therefore, be restored.

And from that state, it's easier to discover your natural sexual expression.

The bottom line: the sensate focus exercise is about restoring the libido through sensual touch.

Sensate Focus for E.D.

Can you not get your body’s natural arousal response? There are probably more reasons why you can’t than you might expect. 

Maybe you get thoughts that make you anxious in the bedroom. Or, perhaps it has more to do with self-image. Either way, sensate focus helps you tackle the issue by doubling down on the sensory experiences to ease your inner turmoil. 

This mindful approach addresses the psychological barriers contributing to erectile dysfunction. 

Moreover, this aligns with Tantra because there’s more emphasis on presence and forging a strong emotional connection.

Sensate Focus for Restoring Libido

Having little to no sexual desire can feel devastating. It quite literally blocks sexual intimacy. 

Although it might feel like the end of the world, it’s a very doable condition to improve. 

Redirect your focus to something more meaningful. Shift away from those thoughts of failure, such as the following: 

• Why can I never please her…
• Am I not good enough…
• She probably doesn’t deserve me…

Sensate focus brings a deep connection with yourself and your partner. And, like tantric breathing, it forces you to relax. 

Entering this stress-free zone helps you unlock the missing puzzle to reach a fulfilling sexual experience by being in tune with your deepest desires.

As a result, this can lead to a healthier libido. 

8 Steps to Perform the Best Sensate Focus Exercise 

Here is the step-by-step guide to performing the most effective sensate focus exercise.

Step 0: Craft the physical scene

We must set the environment before we start the exercises and begin touching.

The physical space should be calm, quiet, and private. Make sure you will not be disturbed, and get rid of all distractions. 

A calm physical environment is more likely to help you be more in tune with your senses and surroundings. 

Here are a few ways to go the extra mile: 

• Light some candles
• Play soft music 
• Burn incense

Your love life is a delicate flower that needs nurture, care, and the utmost attention. Treat it as such.

Tend to your internal environment

A crucial aspect of sensate focus is mindfulness in every movement. 

You must be able to both identify and manage distractions at all times. This requires a great deal of presence of mind. 

Relax your inner voice. Focus on the present moment. 

Be one with the sensations you are feeling right here, right now.

If this means you need to deal with a few work emails or order the weekly shop beforehand, do it.

Being in your body rather than in your head is vital.

Prepare to pay attention to his or her body language during this exercise.

Nonverbal communication and whispering sweet nothings are your primary ways of talking to each other.

Step 1: Caress without the private areas involved

The first step of this couple’s sex therapy technique is a conscious touch of each other’s bodies. 

However, your genitals are not going to be involved. This means no private areas touching. 

One or both partners can lie down. For this step, I would personally suggest that the receiver of touch lie down and the giver sit next to them. This implies a certain level of trust and surrender implicit to sensate focus.

The giver of touch gently touches the receiver’s body.

Both partners focus intently on the physical sensations of giving or receiving the touch—changes in skin temperature, texture, and the feeling of hair or hair follicles. 

Attention is placed on the intricacies of the felt sensations.

The receiver should not touch the giver in return.

They only receive.

Their focus should be one hundred percent on their embodied experience.

Take your time with this step.

In fact, with all of the steps.

Particularly while giving, don’t rush. 

Your partner will feel it.

The point of the exercise is mindfulness.

No one was ever mindful when they rushed through things.

Note: whether giving or receiving, note any anxiety or discomfort. Be present with it. Notice it. Allow it. Uncomfortable feelings should subside as you practice sensate focus more.

Step 2: Progress to more personal areas of the body

The same guidelines apply to this step as to the first: Be present in your body. Note any unpleasant thoughts or feelings.

In this step, your partner's presence strengthens as the touch becomes more intimate. The sexual experiences start to get stronger. 

Take note of exactly how you are feeling.

What thoughts are going through your mind?

• Not sure what to do with your partner's genitals? Notice that uncertainty. 
• Feeling shy in bed? Make a note of that uncertainty, too.
• Are you feeling nervous? Reflect on that feeling, including where that nervousness stems from. 

Again, turn your attention to the embodied experience—things like texture, smell, warmth, and heat.

As the receiver, if you experience anything physically uncomfortable, you can move your partner’s hand away. However, do this sparingly. 

Be aware of the difference between physical and emotional/mental discomfort. Sensate focus therapy aims to be with our emotional or mental discomforts and move through them.

Step 3: Self-awareness and mindful body observation

The next step is called the ‘clinical look.’ Here, mutual touch can become a challenging step between the giver and receiver. 

This step involves one partner first looking at the other partner’s private areas. Not in a sexually aroused way. But in a curious, taking-it-all-in way. Then, they look at their own private areas. And then they swap over.

Note: for many people, this can bring extreme discomfort and resistance. This is normal! Having your partner go down on you is one thing, but ensuring the height of a bedroom encounter, which involves their face coming close to your genitals. 

It is a different kettle of fish to have them take a clinical look at your genitals and then have them watch you do the same. 

However, our mindset has mainly been shaped by society, particularly in our personal lives. 

We see private areas as shameful, unclean, or ‘off limits.’ Many of us have never even familiarized ourselves with our private areas. Some of us can even carry heaps of heavy, debilitating intimacy shame. 

In a way, you’re forced to confront your feelings of discomfort and fear. But this is all the more reason to do it.

Step 4: Feel your partner’s body

Shift the gears of the physical interaction slightly. This is where the receiver is invited to begin feeling the giver.

At first, the touching should exclude private areas and the chest. But when the time feels right, the touching can move on to these areas.

Now, the touching here can be of any kind. Rubbing, sliding, and gliding your genitals together is OK. But physical union is out of bounds.

You can sit facing one another. A tantric sex position works as well, like the yab yum. Or, you could simply be lying down or even standing. Whatever feels good, comfortable, and accessible to both of you.

Both partners should pay close attention to the physical feelings arising from touching their partner’s body. You should also focus on the feeling of your partner exploring their own body. 

How you feel your partner is entirely up to you. 

You could go at a faster or slower pace whenever you feel right. And feel free to add more or less pressure whenever it feels right.

Step 5: Touch each other in the straddle position

One partner positions themselves astride the other. There can be touching of the genitals, except no penetration.

This takes place in the female on top position. After all, it’s the most comfortable. Moreover, it requires minimal muscle engagement. There is no hip movement either, as this will lead to more arousal.

As with the other steps, both partners should be mentally and physically present. Acknowledge any resistance or discomfort that comes up. Notice it. Don’t judge it. 

If we don’t fight against the rip tide, it will eventually bring us to shore. This is how we move through uncomfortable emotions and feelings. Such a metaphor can be applied to other areas of life, too.

Step 6: Physical union in the straddle position

After taking the time to explore step five of the sensate focus exercise fully, it is time for physical union in the staddle position or the woman-on-top position.

Note: You do not necessarily need to go through all of the steps the first time. If necessary, you can spend weeks on each step.

• Begin physical connection mindfully and gently.
• Don’t put it all in straight away.
• Take your time.
• Pay attention to all the details within every minute of the building sensation.
• Simply observe and feel without judgment.

This moment requires some sexual self-control not to give into the lustful desire for more.

Step 7: Combine physical union and stillness

Begin full physical connection mindfully and gently.

Focus on the physical feeling.

This is more than just a physical union.

Why?

Because you’re focusing on the sensations that you’re experiencing, instead, think of it as a playful exploration, a multi-sensory experience. 

Sensate focus therapy asks that you spend some time physically connected and delight in the many forms of physical and emotional sensations you’re experiencing.

Step 8: Note the physical sensations during physical union

Feel settled in? That means you can start moving with each other. 

The woman can start rocking her hips. The man can also begin to thrust or move his woman’s hips for her. 

Again, pay close attention to the physical feelings. The whole experience should focus on the sensual rather than the sexual.

An Alternative Sensate Focus Exercise for Individuals 

You don’t always need a partner or sex therapist to guide you. Here’s how to practice sensate focus alone:

• Find a private space where you can sit, stand, or lie down comfortably 
• Close your eyes 
• Inhale and exhale deeply 
• Touch different parts of your own body, from arms to legs and torso
• Use different types of touch: soft and hard
• Visualize the touch and focus on its sensation

To make this twice more powerful, activate your chakra levels like the Swadhisthana Chakra.

Practicing Sensate Focus Exercises to Fix Sexless Marriages

Over one in seven married couples report little or no sex, on General Social Survey data. And this is the number of married couples who are brave enough to even report as sexless. The actual number may be even higher. As a sex and relationships coach, countless men have come to me with this problem.

Being in a sexless marriage can tear apart a person’s confidence. It causes extreme emotional damage. 

The partner who is frequently turned down can feel unwanted. They may even believe that they are unloved and unattractive. Then, the partner doing the turning down can feel guilty, pressured, and confused.

Mismatched libidos cause conflict, guilt, and upset. But the issues don’t stop there. 

The problem also means that both partners are missing out on the benefits of regular, joyful, loving sex. 

I have written countless times on the importance of regular sex for a harmonious relationship, while Taoism and Tantra have for centuries considered regular sex as the elixir of life. Without mutual touching, a relationship will eventually wither and die.

Of course, some relationships are meant to end. In such cases, a lack of sex is a symptom of a broader problem. It is attributable to incompatibility or pent-up resentment. Those relationships would end eventually anyway, with or without regular sex.

But for many couples, there is no pent-up resentment or incompatibility. 

Resentment only comes from having mismatched libidos. Everything else in the relationship works well. These are the couples who would benefit the most from sensate focus therapy.

Conclusion: beyond sensate focus exercise

Still, feeling like your libido has left the chat while your partner is still typing? 

I get it.

But it doesn’t have to be that way forever.

Not unless you don’t mind spending another night on the couch, which the answer is most likely no. 

So, do you want the grand finale?

Then, I strongly encourage you to watch my free tantric training in your own interest.

This is where you’ll get all the tools you need to become a great lover and build your dream marriage and love relationship. 

In my free training, you’ll also learn techniques from ancient systems combining Taoism and Tantra.

Masters and Johnson took a very similar approach to sensate focus exercise in both systems.

Sensate Focus FAQ