How To Deal With Jealousy In A Relationship: Jealous Women

Jealous women: the ultimate relationship wreckers?

Usually coming from a place of deep pain and low self-worth, jealousy has the power to tear apart marriages, or make both partners utterly miserable to the core.

Throughout my time working as a men’s coach, I have had countless men come to me in a state of dismay about their girlfriend or wife’s unfounded jealousy.

These men are being driven crazy by their partner’s constant attacks. Meanwhile their female partners are also suffering a great deal. Neither is really at fault, but if something is not done, the relationship is at risk of falling apart.

After a certain point, the damage done by jealousy becomes irreparable and there is little to do but separate.

But it’s not the case for everyone. As long as both partners are willing to put in the work, even the most severe cases of jealousy can be remedied.

Today we will take a closer look at jealousy – specifically jealousy in women. We will discuss what it is, where it comes from (it’s NOT because of other people) and find out what to do to eradicate it for good.

I’ll also give you 3 simple ways of dealing with jealousy in a relationship. These require a certain level of emotional maturity and patience, but they can be implemented immediately and should help a great deal.

It is my hope that through the advice given in this article, you can salvage your relationship or marriage from the jaws of the green eyed monster.

What is jealousy? Hint: it’s not envy!

Envy and jealousy are two commonly confused terms. They are often used interchangeably, but their meanings are quite distinct.

Envy is wanting something that someone else has. Eg. a woman might envy a female friend for her beautiful, long, golden hair.

Jealousy is a feeling of competition, rivalry or suspicion against a person because of something that they have.

The key feature distinguishing jealousy from envy is a feeling of suspicion or competition.

If your woman just wants her best friend’s hair, it’s not jealousy. It’s envy.

If your woman is worried that you will leave her for her best friend, and is consumed by negative thoughts about her because she has better hair than you, it’s jealousy.

A small amount of envy is natural and usually it is not deeply problematic.

Jealousy on the other hand, although natural, is often very problematic.

Jealousy – wrecker of relationships

When it permeates a romantic relationship, jealousy can tear one or both partners apart at the seams.

The jealous woman can become so utterly consumed by it, that it interferes with every element of her life and her relationship.

The relationship becomes fraught with tension. Suspicion is around every corner.

The woman lives with a crippling fear of betrayal. Either in the form of sexual activity or emotional cheating.

She might jump to constant, incorrect conclusions about where her partner has been. Something as simple as getting stuck in traffic after work can cause tremendous arguments.

A jealous woman is a lonely woman

For a jealous woman, there is insecurity, tension around other women, and feelings of hatred, spite and resentment.

The jealousy might be directed towards a specific woman, or it might be towards many or all women.

This can make for a very lonely and sad existence. If we are constantly suspecting the people around us to have bad intentions, how can we ever become close to anyone?

The loneliness is deep for a woman with a jealousy problem. But it’s not just other women with whom she is unable to have a close relationship. It’s her partner, too.

Trust is the foundation

Human beings thrive on intimate connections. When a man has a jealous partner, girlfriend or wife, a massive rift appears between them.

Not being fully trusted by your spouse is a painful experience. You feel pushed away, resentful, angry and sad. “I love her. I’ve done nothing BUT love her. So why doesn’t she trust me?”

It hurts not to be trusted. It’s frustrating and feels like a highly personal attack against your core values.

Whatsmore, without relationship trust, there is no solid foundation. A couple can stay together and look OK from the outside. But just like a building created with unstable foundations, when the wind blows, the relationship can fall apart.

When jealousy appears from nowhere

The thing about jealousy is that it is often unpredictable and undetectable when you first meet someone.

A woman with a jealousy problem will do all she can to conceal it. She knows it’s unattractive and a turn off. It has probably haunted her throughout her whole life, and been the reason for more than one break up.

But sooner or later, it will be triggered by an event, a female friend or a colleague. And it will hurl itself upon your relationship like a swirling tornado.

Unfair accusations start flying around all over the place. You can’t spend more than a minute with a female friend without being accused of something. Forget having female friends. That is not allowed. Another woman is a threat. Especially if she happens to be a beautiful woman – or dare I say – a more beautiful woman than your girlfriend.

The green eyed monster replaced my girlfriend!

When your girlfriend is jealous, the woman you fell in love with vanishes. The qualities that caused you to fall in love with her are replaced with insecurity, hostility, anxiety and fear.

This can make maintaining the relationship extremely difficult. Indeed, many men will leave the woman they love because of the problems caused by jealousy.

I have had clients come to me in states of utter dismay. Their once happy and loving partner has been seemingly replaced by the devil. After once having had a roaring sex life, they find themselves in a suddenly sexless marriage, due to all the fighting.

They are being accused of emotional cheating, sexual infidelity and more. Life is fraught with tension, drama and fights. They can’t look at an attractive or young woman for more than five seconds without being accused of fancying her.

Thankfully, jealousy is something that can and does go away. As long as you address the root cause and respond to it in an appropriate manner. 

Before we look at how to deal with jealousy in a relationship, let’s find out a little bit about where it comes from, and why women tend to suffer from it slightly more than men.

Jealous women and jealous men

When it comes to jealousy, there is a distinct gender difference between the sexes.

Men are more likely to experience jealousy around sexual infidelity, in the form of sexual jealousy.

For women, sexual infidelity is still a fear, but they are much more likely to experience jealousy related to emotional infidelity.

Scientists say that this is likely due to the fact that men and women have different base instincts.

Male instinct is to continue the lineage, whilst female instinct is to emotionally bond with a mate enough so that he will stay with you to raise children together.

Hence we can see why men and women might experience jealousy differently.

Why are there so many jealous women?

But in my opinion, this does not suffice to explain why there are (or seem to be from anecdotal evidence) so many more jealous women than jealous men.

In my opinion, women get jealous due to a combination of a) upbringing and b) societal conditioning.

At its root, jealousy is the product of an insecure attachment style – usually an anxious attachment.

Evolutionary psychologists have told us that an anxious attachment style comes from early childhood (0-2yrs). During this time, we form an emotional attachment to one or more caregivers. If the caregiver is loving and present but also inconsistent, it can cause us to form an anxious attachment style.

Research has interestingly shown that having an anxious attachment style tends to be seen more often in women than men.

Anxious attachment creates a perfect environment for intense jealousy.

An anxious attachment style causes feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem and a constant fear of abandonment.

Alongside having an anxious attachment style, women are often driven to jealousy due to past experiences. Perhaps her last boyfriend cheated, or her husband was caught having an affair.

Women like this (unfortunately) go on to become paranoid, believing that future men will also behave in this way, attracting this kind of partner.

Societal pressures upon women

Add to this the societal pressures placed upon women to look and behave a certain way, and we can see why a woman might experience jealousy.

Women are constantly (constantly!) slammed with subliminal and not-so-subliminal messages that they need to be of certain body size and shape in order to be deemed attractive. If a woman doesn’t have that ‘desirable’ aesthetic due to genetics, and at the same time has an anxious attachment style, a poor sense of identity and low self-esteem, it is really no wonder she feels threatened by other, more perceivably beautiful women.

For this woman, her wound was created at an age when she was totally dependent on caregivers for survival. Therefore she is feeling her very survival itself to be threatened once more when she is experiencing jealousy. When this wound gets triggered, intensely negative emotion arises.

How to deal with jealousy in a relationship

Hopefully this explanation will allow you to have a little more empathy if your woman is experiencing jealousy. Although it’s not pleasant for the guy on the receiving end of their spite, it is much more unpleasant for the jealous person.

It’s an intense, heavy feeling. One that comes with heaps of insecurity, worry and self doubt.

If you really love your woman and want to help her stop being jealous, here are 3 things you can try to do in order to deal with jealousy in a relationship:

1. Find out what her triggers are

Everyone is unique in their experiences and their scars. Therefore, something that might not trigger one woman, might really trigger jealousy in another.

Ask your girlfriend what triggers sexual or emotional jealousy. If you feel you can work around them without compromising too much of your own needs/desires, you can avoid causing her anguish.

But be careful not to compromise too much or you might end up being a Mr Nice Guy and people pleasing. Healthy, resilient couples should be able to compromise in a way that keeps both partners happy.

2. Use words of affirmation to boost her self-esteem

As explained above, a jealousy issue usually stems from a childhood wound. This results in negative emotion, low confidence (including sexual confidence) and poor self esteem.

For someone like this, words of affirmation in the form of compliments and proclamations of love are very important.

The positive emotion generated from words of affirmation can be a huge boost to a jealous woman’s confidence. Never underestimate the power of words to lift up a person who is feeling down on themselves.

3. Have empathy and patience

This third one is really important, and is where I have seen many men fall down.

They feel that their wife or girlfriend’s jealousy is silly, and unnecessary.

What they are failing to acknowledge is that it comes from a deep trauma.

Usually it’s not a single traumatic event like a death or an accident, it’s a more subtle but drawn out trauma. Trauma research has recently placed this kind of long-term trauma as being more damaging than experiencing a single, acutely traumatic event.

As explained above, jealousy arises when your partner subconsciously believes that their very existence is being threatened. She may not realize it herself since so much of our cognitive activity is taking place deep in the subconscious mind. But to her, her life is at stake!

Having a deeper understanding of the reasons behind female jealousy is imperative in being patient enough to overcome it as a couple.

As with all trauma responses, jealousy won’t disappear overnight. But it can disappear. Understand and empathize to ensure you stick around long enough to let it.

Closing the door on the green eyed monster

So, we have seen how jealousy is not just women being bitches or catty.

It’s the result of a deep wound that causes feelings of low self-worth and inherently low confidence.

Although it’s something that women tend to suffer more from than men, it can and does affect both sexes.

Many of my clients have come to me as jealous men, or distraught partners of jealous women.

Thankfully, through my FLT method, most of them were able to work together as a couple to eradicate jealousy. They rebuilt both emotional and sexual intimacy, and deep trust. Using all four of their hands, they slammed the door on the green eyed monster for good, and went on to have happy, fulfilling relationships.

If you’re curious to find out more about my FLT method and how it can help you or your partner with a jealousy problem, you can take my free training here. Try it and see. Your relationship will thank you for it!

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