How To Self Soothe Anxious Attachment (12 Professional Ways)

Steffo Shambo

Updated on Apr 11, 2024
How to self soothe anxious attachment

Have you ever found yourself checking your phone every 30 seconds, dreading for any type of reply to come? 

That, my friend, is the rollercoaster of anxious attachment. 

But hey, who doesn’t love a good rollercoaster? Well, except when it comes to our emotional well-being. 

This is your ultimate guide if you’re ready to learn how to self soothe anxious attachment. 

It’s a bit like learning to ride a bike for the first time—initially wobbly but liberating once you get the hang of it. 

The lasting freedom and connection the outcome leads to is almost the same as discovering a whole new world—one where your phone doesn’t feel like an extension of your hand. 

A magic wand isn’t what you need. You need tools, commitment, and a dash of self-reflection, which are more powerful. 

Oh, and let’s not forget about the willingness required to heal the root cause of your attachment style. 

Nerve-wracking? A little. 

Worth it? Absolutely. 

The steps below will give you the skills to calm your anxieties and build resilience. This all enhances your relationships and cultivates a greater sense of security within.

And sit tight because #6 will greatly impact any insecure attachment styles.

What is an anxious attachment?

man grabbing woman's leg wearing red stilettos

An anxious attachment style means wanting to have close relationships with other people on an extremely needy level. 

Those with anxious attachments usually worry that their relationships may take a turn for the worse. 

Why? Because of the fear of abandonment and not feeling good enough for the other person. 

Lack of trust and low self-esteem are common traits for those with an anxious attachment. They also have a hard time managing their own emotions. It’s also common for them to misread nonverbal cues

Dealing with a person with an anxious attachment can feel draining as they seek constant reassurance. Even though they want people close, they feel anxious about being overbearing. 

What causes the anxious attachment? 

The anxious attachment style typically stems from early life experiences with the following:  

  • A lack of responsive care 
  • Little to no personal love and support
  • Toxic environments
  • Inconsistent parenting, which can result in things like the mother wound and mommy issues
  • Trauma

When a child’s emotional needs aren’t met consistently growing up, they’re more likely to feel insecure about their relationships. 

Any type of potential threat to a relationship will trigger the nervous system into a “fight or flight” response. This leads to heightened anxiety. That’s why knowing and utilizing techniques that regulate the nervous system is essential.

The different types of attachment styles

Attachment theory is the joint work of psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth (1969).

There are four attachment styles:

  • Secure
  • Anxious
  • Avoidant
  • Disorganized

These are ways we relate to others that develop in childhood. The adaptations stem from our interactions with our primary caregivers. 

It’s important to note that insecure attachment styles are fluid and can change over time. Therapy, self-reflection, and self-awareness tools and techniques help create secure attachment. 

By understanding your attachment style, you can identify relationship patterns. And from there, you’ll be able to work to create healthier connections with others.

Side Note: Some individuals may fall under the anxious-avoidant attachment style, which involves both anxious and avoidant traits

Secure attachment style

Those with secure attachment styles feel comfortable expressing their emotions. 

Forming close and stable relationships almost feels second nature. You’re trusting of your significant other and are capable of giving and receiving love. 

Moreover, a secure person is comfortable in their own skin. They have a healthy balance of closeness and independence, so they’re not emotionally needy in any way, shape, or form. 

Anxious attachment style

You often worry about your relationships. You also experience a strong link between connection and insecurities, resulting in emotional dependency.

Being clingy and demanding in an attempt to seek reassurance is common for those with anxious attachments. 

Avoidant attachment style

You tend to be distant or turn away emotional support. 

Avoidants struggle to form close relationships. Intimacy avoidance is common. You may also downplay the importance of relationships in your life.

Other specific attachment styles related to this include the anxious-avoidants and the dismissive-avoidants

Disorganized attachment style

This is also known as the fearful-avoidant attachment. 

You display contradictory behaviors, such as seeking closeness while pushing others away—a bit of a mix between anxious and avoidant characteristics. Past trauma or neglect in childhood is common, making it more difficult to form stable relationships as an adult.

Why self-soothing is essential for a secure attachment style

Young man meditating in nature

It’s mind-blowing to assume that adults don’t need self-soothing techniques.

Self-soothing is essential for developing and maintaining a secure attachment style and overcoming an insecure one. 

Struggling with regulating your emotions forces you to seek external reassurance and comfort. Hence you may feel like a burden. This results in further emotional distress, creating a vicious cycle. 

So, what does self-soothing look like?

Self-soothing is about calming the nervous system and reducing anxiety. A few  of these self-soothing practices include the following:

  • Mindfulness
  • Meditation
  • Deep breathing
  • Inner child work

Inner child work is an especially crucial component. Everyone must nurture and patch any wounds that come from things like past sexual traumas or neglect. 

For couples, self-soothing is essential. Otherwise, it may lead to a broken relationship

What are the signs of anxious attachment?

Man wearing pajamas suffering with depression sit

The biggest sign is that you almost always desperately crave a close connection with others. At the same time, you struggle to deal with insecurity, fear of rejection, and abandonment. 

Here are six more common signs of the anxious insecure attachment style: 

  • Overly clingy and demanding in relationships
  • Anxiety about the status of your relationships, even when things are going well
  • Constant overthinking; hypersensitivity to cues that suggest a partner is losing interest or becoming distant
  • Seeking reassurance and external validation
  • Strong feelings of insecurity and unworthiness 
  • You intensely experience negative emotions such as jealousy or anger, especially towards perceived threats


Boost your confidence, master your sexuality, and find your purpose.

So you can reignite the passion in your relationship or attract your perfect woman.

How to self-soothe anxious attachment: 12 ways

It’s time to share how you can self-soothe anxious attachment to improve your mental health and love life. 

Here are some of the top steps listed include the following: 

  • Retrain your neural pathways
  • Nurture your inner child
  • Acknowledge your attachment style
  • Become aware of the cycle of negative thoughts
  • Let go of assurance and validation
  • Externalize your feelings

No more people-pleasing and self-doubting. Applying all 12 ways listed below will transform your life and help you get to a place of secure attachment. 

Note: Watch my video guide below for a step-by-step exercise to release negative emotions lingering inside you:

1. Take time for yourself

Self-reflection is the first port of call. Otherwise, your anxious attachment is going nowhere.

Schedule some alone time on the weekend when you have the time. You must be free from distractions. Allow yourself to get lost in thought and ponder deeply on previous decisions and how you will move forward. 

More importantly, review your past relationships and your ability to self-care. Spend time with emotions. Acknowledge them and understand where they’re coming from. 

2. Discover your anxious attachment triggers

Man sitting on stairs at home and writing in notepad

Childhood trauma can be the initial trigger for your attachment style

Navigating a relationship with an avoidant or toxic partner can have enormous consequences. They impact how you relate to others. 

As an anxiously attached person, you’re looking for current relationships to turn sour. Or to be heartbroken and alone again. The cycle will only perpetuate. 

Identify the root cause. And then determine events and experiences that trigger your anxious attachment. This sounds straightforward in theory, but the process is often complex. 

Understand that not having a more secure attachment style right now is not your fault. But by doing the work, you’re on the way to building self-esteem and honoring your own needs.

3. Nurture your inner child

Too many adult relationships get torn apart by people’s early childhood experiences. If their emotional needs are unmet, the impact is long-lasting without intervention.

A nurtured inner child is required to be able to create lasting romantic relationships. Doing so results in healing anxious attachment.

Here’s what was mentioned In The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr. Brene Brown:

“Nurturing your inner child is about giving yourself permission to play, explore, and be curious without fear of judgment or criticism.” 

In other words, learn to forgive yourself and focus on finding your sense of belonging. 

4. Face and acknowledge your attachment style

You can’t move forward without accepting your fear of abandonment. Or your insecurities within relationships.

Failing to face your attachment style traps you in the revolving door of anxiety.

After facing your unhealthy internal patterns, you’re ready to learn healthy coping mechanisms.

And guess what?

You can self-regulate. This is the route to re-establishing your masculine energy and boosting low self-esteem. 

A man who works on developing his masculine energy trusts his partner. He communicates his emotions and experiences. This is all possible once you slow down and listen within.

5. Become aware of the cycle of negative thoughts

We all deal with negative thought patterns. It’s normal to have days where you’re blue and feel like the world is against you.

Constant negative thoughts can destroy your mental health and aggravate anxiety. 

A lot of things in life are out of our control. Our thoughts are not one of them. We choose which thoughts we feed and which we don’t.

This is a powerful story from the Native American tradition. It gives insight into how you can become aware of negative thoughts. And through this, you can find the balance between the light and dark within.

This self-awareness gives you more internal freedom. It also improves all aspects of your life, including your love life. 

Emotional connections rely on both people finding the present moment. For that, you need the 3 C’s to shift negative thoughts: 

  • Change
  • Commitment
  • Consistency. 

The only thing that changes overnight is your resolve; the benefits come with time.

6. Retrain your neutral pathways

How do you respond to her staying out with her girlfriends?

What’s your knee-jerk response when she says she needs space?

If it’s not how you want to be in a relationship — it doesn’t have to be this way. Science tells us that. 

You can hear the neediness in your voice. Or feel that deep-seated panic when your mind convinces you she’s no longer interested. 

Anxiety spikes once your mind convinces you the relationship is sinking.

These thoughts of doubt signal that you need to reprogram your subconscious mind. It’s the only way to achieve a lasting change to your attachment style. 

Here are some of the top paths to modifying your neural pathways and associations:

  • Implement new and fresh techniques
  • Focus on rational concepts
  • Try an entirely different approach

After that, it’s about repetition to solidify these new neural pathways and connections within the brain.

7. Upgrade your self-development routine

Fit man in his 30s doing yoga on a mattress

What are your anxious attachment style pitfalls? To step around these, here are new techniques and strategies that work:

  1. Pranayama: Pranayama, or deep breath control techniques, are essential aspects of Tantra Yoga. Practicing pranayama can help regulate the nervous system and calm the mind. This prevents anxious attachment from ruling your life.
  2. Grounding: Tantra Yoga is excellent for grounding and centering in the present moment. This is an ancient technology of expanding consciousness. Start by learning beginner’s Tantra solo and couples practices.
  3. Explore Shakti: Shakti is the divine feminine energy within each person. Harness the power of Shakti. It will empower you to commit to yourself and open your vast inner strength.
  4. Cultivate self-love and acceptance: These are crucial for development. Practice self-care and self-love techniques, such as self-massage and affirmations. These help prevent the anxious attachment from taking over. 
  5. Meditate: Practicing full presence is incredible for yourself and your romantic partners. Regular meditation reduces ruminating over negative thoughts. It also increases awareness of your thoughts and emotions. 


Boost your confidence, master your sexuality, and find your purpose.

So you can reignite the passion in your relationship or attract your perfect woman.

8. Learn to let go of assurance and validation

No one needs to validate your ticket of life. No one — except you.

And that’s the key to knowing how to self-soothe anxious attachment.

Lao Tzu, the ancient Chinese Taoist philosopher, wrote:

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”

You have your own internal morals. And they will guide you once you stop trying to please every Tom, Dick, and Harry in your life.

Be comfortable in your own skin, and cast away from seeking constant reassurance. Build stronger self-esteem

The changes you make are not failures. Each change acts as a compass to propel your growth. 

9. Embrace honest, real love

Beautiful cheerful young couple cooking dinner

Honest, real love is deep and genuine. It’s built on trust, respect, and authenticity. 

True love’s simplicity is usually difficult to embrace for those with anxious attachments.

Firstly, you must be able to be vulnerable. You must share your true self with your lover and accept them for who they are, flaws and all. 

Ask yourself:

  • What can you do to feel safe? 
  • How can you express your thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of judgment or rejection?
  • How can you both work together to be each other’s rock? 

Love is a journey of growth and discovery. It’s two people working together to build a strong and fulfilling partnership. One that brings out the best in each other.

10. Externalize your feelings

Here are some of the most effective ways to externalize your feelings: 

  • Journal
  • Talk with a trusted friend or family member
  • Engage in creative expression

I’ll dive into a bit more detail on each of these below. 


Writing out your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful way to externalize them. As author and journalist Joan Didion once said:

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.”

Journaling is a powerful tool to understand your own feelings and perceptions better. It can help you pinpoint common emotional responses and relationship patterns. 

Share with a trusted friend

Sharing your feelings with someone you trust can help you feel heard and validated. 

Carl R. Rogers, the author of On Becoming a Person, sums it up perfectly:

“When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think, in some real sense, he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, ‘Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.’”

A sense of belonging and understanding can give you emotional relief. Feeling valued, heard, and understood means a lot, especially for those who feel misunderstood and unseen. 

Engage in creative expression

Artistic expression is a cathartic way to externalize feelings. These include painting, drawing, journaling, or writing poetry. As poet Maya Angelou states,

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

Bottling everything up by not expressing your emotions and experiences can feel incredibly painful. 

Creative activities allow you to provide a sense of release, helping to alleviate the intense emotions dwelling from within. 

Self-expression through art is therapeutic for many, helping you break the cycle of anxious thoughts by channeling them into something tangible. 

11. Lean into intimacy

Back view of female entwined hands around the neck

Does emotional closeness send panic or fear through your body?

This is a challenging pattern to be stuck inside. You can see how enormous a barrier it is for intimate connections.

Confronting this fear rather than avoiding intimacy is going to be uncomfortable. 

But return to the root cause and healing. You’ll find these commitment fears will diminish, and more self-awareness will follow.

One way to lean into intimacy is to ask the right relationship check-in questions. These will help you lean in when your default attachment style tells you to run a mile!

12. Forge healthy, lasting relationships

Those with anxious attachment tend to feel a deep desire to keep someone close. 

Many want to create a utopia for their partner. Of course, this is unachievable, and that reality can feel suffocating.

Moreover, the need for control affects emotional closeness in intimate relationships. 

With attachment anxiety, you’re likely very caring and sensitive. Likewise, you’re attuned to your partner’s needs. Doubt and insecurity might override your feelings of worthiness in the relationship. 

However, inadequacy stems when your partner doesn’t respond as you’d hoped. These feelings of inferiority and not being enough for your lover lead to a disconnect. 

If you’re not able to connect, have sex, and communicate as equals — it’s not going to work.

Ask your partner about their behaviors and reactions. You’re doing yourself and your partner a disservice every time you overthink. Or when you try to preempt the next time, you’ll let them down. 

A helpful strategy is to practice empathy and mindful communication with your partner. Both of these are key ingredients for a healthy relationship that lasts. 

Does anxious attachment stay forever?

While anxious attachment won’t necessarily stay forever, it can change over time. 

Anxious attachment improves as you grow as a person and continue focusing on personal development. With conscious effort and the right support, you can go from an anxious attachment style to a secure attachment faster. 

In some cases, an anxious attachment may evolve into a different type of insecure attachment. 

What’s important to note is that anxious attachment isn’t permanent. It gets better as you increase self-awareness and maintain healthy relationships. 

Other professional solutions include working with a therapist or coach. Mindfulness practices will be key in transforming and facing your fears and insecurities. 

One other step you can take is to stop asking yourself this one question, as best discussed in the short YouTube clip below:


Hold your horses, gentlemen! 

Just when you thought it was time to return to your regularly scheduled life, we have a twist in the tale.

Just as we wrap up our journey through the twists and turns of “how to self soothe anxious attachment,” there’s an exciting detour ahead. 

We’ve covered everything from taming your inner child (who can be more fussy than a cat in a bath) to mastering the art of intimacy without feeling like you’re juggling flaming torches.

Knowing about your insecure attachment style might have initially felt like showing up to a party in a Halloween costume—on the wrong day. Awkward, yes, but addressing and healing it is like finally getting the party theme right.

This article has been your guide through the maze, but there’s one more secret ingredient. 

If you want to be the man who makes his lover: 

  • Feel loved, safe, and liberated 
  • Excited to come home to you every night
  • Happier and more fulfilled in life

Then, watch my free masculine relationship masterclass

It’s not just about the sizzle in the bedroom (though that’s a bonus) but about building love and relationships that resonate like a perfect chord.


How do you calm down an anxious attachment system?

Calm an anxious attachment system by practicing mindfulness. Challenge negative thoughts, and seek support from a friend or mental health professional. Engage in activities that promote relaxation and self-care. These include yoga, meditation, or journaling. Over time, all this helps reduce negative feelings and promote a sense of calm.

How do I free myself from my anxious attachment style?

Free yourself from the anxious attachment by becoming more self-aware. Take note of your attachment patterns and triggers. On top of this, practice self-care and empathy. Next, learn healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. These will help you to build secure, heart-centered relationships.

Can you heal anxious attachment?

Yes. You can heal anxious attachment patterns with awareness, effort, and practice. Any anxious person can develop a more secure attachment style and enjoy fulfilling relationships. Compassion, self-awareness, and consistency are vital in making this change.

If you’re in a relationship, try sex positions that specifically help you reduce anxiety and stress.

How do you rewire an anxious attachment?

Address the underlying causes. These tend to cause low self-esteem and insecure attachment formed in childhood. Replace negative thoughts, beliefs, and behavior with self-compassion. Building healthy relationships helps rewire anxious attachment. Inner child work can also help heal past wounds and develop a more secure attachment style.

What are anxious attachment triggers?

Here’s how anxious attachment is triggered: situations, behaviors, or events that evoke insecurity. These triggers often include perceived threats of abandonment, lack of responsiveness from a partner, or a perceived loss of connection in relationships.


Unleash the secrets of your inner fire of willpower, harness your sacred sexual energy, and embody healthy masculine energy.

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Steffo Shambo

Steffo Shambo

Men's Tantric Relationship Coach

I am the founder of The Tantric Man Experience™, a pioneering transformational coaching program for men. With over 1500 hours of certified tantra training in India and Thailand and 7 years of experience helping hundreds of men worldwide save their marriages and reignite passion in their love lives.

I have over 8 million views on YouTube and have been featured on VICE and Newstalk Radio for my life’s work - helping men unleash their full masculine potential.

My holistic FLT method seamlessly integrates ancient tantric philosophy with my modern expertise in relationships, sexuality, dating, and men’s health.

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