Has the dry spell turned into a sexless relationship?
For many, sex is one of the most essential forms of intimacy in a relationship. Through sex, couples come closer, communicate openly, and feel more connected. However, most relationships complain about experiencing a sexless relationship. In fact, there is nothing short of a sex drought— drying up the river of love— in far too many relationships.
While sex shouldn’t be the center of all relationships, it remains a crucial factor that improves your relationship. So, if you’re suffering from a dry spell and you want incredible sex with your partner again, this article is for you.
Read on and find out how you can salvage your sexless relationship in some easy ways. Let’s begin!
Table of Contents
What classifies a sexless relationship?
Technically, a sexless relationship is defined as when a couple has sex less than once a month or less than ten times a year, says Dr. Epstein.
However, it comes down to what works for the couple. If both are happy and satisfied with sex once a month— then that isn’t an issue. With sex, there are never any hard and fast rules. Bodies, preferences, and tastes vary wildly, so it’s best to stay in your own lane as a couple and discuss how important sex is in your lives.
Research shows that 10 to 20 percent of romantic relationships in the United States are “sexless,” according to Robert Epstein, Ph.D., a San Diego-based research psychologist and founder and director emeritus of the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies in Beverly, Mass. That accounts for about 40 million people in the United States.
Should you stay in a sexless relationship?
You need to ask yourself “How important is sex in my life?”.
We recommend not to stay in a sexless relationship if having a sex life is important for your marriage.
HOWEVER, working to rebuild a sexless marriage using the methods below is a highly worthwhile experience. The problem is that if you move on, you’re likely to experience the same issues if you don’t transcend them.
Staying in a relationship means working to be on the same page, honoring each other’s sexual needs to enjoy a healthy marriage and find happiness together.
How to fix a sexless relationship in 8 steps?
Here are the eight ways to create intimate, passionate sex that puts an end to the love drought.
1. Communication is key
First, it’s essential to acknowledge the problem before addressing it. Then, as is the advice from relationship coaches, chances are you and your partner might find a solution in dialogue.
- Acknowledge why sex has left the bedroom and lean into honesety, compassion and understanding.
- Once you do that, you can sit together and have an open conversation to fix what needs fixing.
- Rediscover what turns you both on to navigate the relationship back to intimacy.
2. Stop the Blame Game
When having a conversation about why your relationship might be sexless, make sure you avoid blaming anyone. Instead, have a neutral discussion about the lack of sex and how to come back together again.
3. Try Something New
Research shows that long-term sexy relationships are all about trying new things— so when you’re looking for a way to reignite the spark in your relationship, make sure you try new things. Buy some new sex toys if your partner is up for it, and make sure each of you has spent time on your own to learn what gets each of you going.
Reigniting a sexless marriage forces you to choose to keep the relationship fresh and exciting. Where your focus goes, energy flows so now is not the time to get stuck in a rut and spend your evenings in front of the TV. See your partner master a new skill, for example, is sexy! You’re seeing their talents and determination in a whole new light.
4. Revere your partner
There’s nothing more isolating than to feel disconnected from your long-term partner. Finally, you’ve found the person that you want to spend your life with and perhaps even divorce is looming. So now it’s time to honor all that is sexy, beautiful, and sacred in your partner.
- Compliment their body.
- Set aside time to listen to their day.
- Drop everything to give them a passionate kiss as they enter the door.
- Honor the sacred essence of your partner.
- See how the light plays with the magnificent colors of their irises.
All of this not only makes them feel loved, but arouses feelings of passion within you.
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5. Reimagine foreplay
Foreplay is a topic we cover in-depth at the Tantric Academy because most people think foreplay is simply done to get women wet.
Foreplay is the slow, delicious build-up of tension that turns a woman on as well as sparks the man’s desire.
The more tension, the greater the release, closeness and connection.
This electric tension will have you both seeking opportunities for the next hot sexual activity!
6. Have fun together again
Where’s the sense of fun in the relationship? Get creative and wild together and head out on memorable adventures:
- Camp out in the wild under the stars
- Take a dance class together
- Build a piece of furniture
- Play hide-and seek
Leaving the seriousness behind and embracing playful energy creates a lightness to the relationship. Healing, forgiving, and reuniting become effortless in this healthy, energetic space.
7. Address any sexual dysfunctions or issues
Tantric techniques for addressing premature ejaculation or overcoming sexual dysfunction can help to recover a man’s self esteem in a sexual relationship. Healing sexual health conditions has enormous potential to increase sexual activity in sexless marriages.
8. Create a tantric relationship
Tantra has become a buzzword that many people link to polyamory. The truth is that consciously creating a tantric relationship unleashes intimate passion in a relationship. Tantric practices go far beyond simply fulfilling sexual needs. Through the emotional connection of the relationship, both partners can heal and grow on their own journey, which rekindles sexual intimacy.
What causes a sexless relationship?
To know how to repair a sexless relationship, first, we need to explore what’s causing the love drought. Here are the top nine reasons for a sexless marriage:
1. Low or zero sex drive
This can either be for one partner or both. Having a low libido can lead to a lack of sex.
2. The curse of busyness
To-do lists taking priority over getting under the sheets draws the spice out of the relationship.
Life, in general, is not a set of tasks and chores to complete, and both partners need to realize that to recover from a sexless marriage. Take time to rest and break away from the fast-paced life. That way, neither of you feels so depleted that you can’t find the energy to desire sex.
3. Lack of love
Put simply, your love life needs love to survive and grow. And if you feel a million miles away from your partner while in the same bed, that disconnection makes getting intimate harder.
4. Unresolved trauma
Any trauma can create strain in bed. However, it’s more likely to arise in those who have unfortunately experienced sexual trauma or abuse.
5. Relationship issues
It’s no surprise that relationship issues can disrupt sexual intimacy. Sex is an act of connection on a physical, psychological, and emotional level. Feelings of hostility, poor communication, or lack of trust create a divide that causes a rift that can also affect physical intimacy.
6. Sexual dysfunction or sexual pain
Sometimes a sexual relationship dries up for physical or psychosomatic reasons. Premature ejaculation, performance anxiety, sexual overstimulation, and sexual dysfunction can make a man feel self-conscious or unworthy during sex.
7. Big life changes — AKA baby on board
According to Dr. Aline Zoldbrod—licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist for the Lahey Clinic Center for Sexual Function—women who have primary responsibility for young children can get so absorbed and depleted by the task of supervising and parenting that they lose touch with themselves and the experience of owning their bodies.
And contrary to what you might believe, men’s libido also dips after a mini human’s arrival.
The key to sparking your sex lives once more lies not in the art of seduction.
Instead, it’s by working as a team. Compliment each other. Men, buy the groceries and take on more of the household tasks so your wife can recover. Look after your new baby together. Joke. Laugh— be in the trenches together.
Parenting can be challenging, especially at the beginning, but it’s also an opportunity to strengthen your bond. This connection is paramount in preventing sexless marriages during parenthood.
8. Lack of sexual desire or attraction
Desire and sexual satisfaction are intrinsically linked. What’s helpful to know is the broadness of the term desire. For most people, it’s not just sparked by their partner’s appearance. Here are the four stages of desire:
- Physical desire— hunger/thirst
Make your spouse a delicious, nourishing, aphrodisiac meal to satiate their physical desire.
- Intellectual desire— curiosity
Take risks and surprise your partner— this will stimulate their curiosity.
- Sexual desire— lust
Showcase your own lust for your partner— dive into the beauty of their being and share what you experience. Enjoy sexy couples tantric meditations together.
- Economic desire— power
Learn and have fun with power-play to reintroduce more sex into your relationship.
9. Mental health struggles
Research shows in this sexual health and depression study that about 40% of those with a sexual disorder of desire, arousal, or orgasm have concurrent depression. In a sexless marriage, depression, in particular, can have a negative part to play in the sexless marriage.
After this guide, you should have a roadmap to reigniting passion and sex into your relationship.
I’m Steffo, an advanced relationship expert for conscious men to live with unimaginable empowerment, success, and passion. I’ve helped countless men rebuild their relationships so that they are exciting, tantalizing, and passionate once more.
If you need more help enhancing your sex life and feeling connected to your partner fully, you’ve come to the right place.
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Can sexless relationships last?
Yes is the short answer. But it depends on what both partners are seeking in a relationship. And you both need to ask yourselves, “how important is sex for me?”. If one desires sex and the other does not, this can cause significant strain and frustration in a sexless marriage.
What is a sexless relationship called?
A sexless relationship is called exactly that. Celibacy implies choice, while asexuality refers more to sexuality. A sexless relationship can sometimes feel like being partnered with a best friend.
Is a sexless relationship normal?
A survey in the US in 2007 said 70% of adults thought “consistent sex” was important in a marriage, although 12% of those surveyed said they hadn’t had sex in the past three months.
Sex educator and licensed marriage therapist Lexx Brown-James, LMFT, says, “Sexless relationships happen all the time.”
However, the less important question is whether a sexless marriage or relationship is “normal.” So, instead, perhaps focus on whether it’s working for you and your partner. Look at how sex has been for you over the past year.
When should you walk away from a sexless relationship?
If regular sex is important to you, you have two options— work to recover sex in the relationship or leave. However, know that leaving without resolving whatever created the sexless marriage in the first place can mean that the issues follow you into the next relationship.
Can a relationship survive without intimacy?
The happiness in a sexless relationship depends on whether not having sex bothers either partner. Couples find that a lack of sex and intimacy creates an unhappy relationship if one partner desires sexual intimacy. However, if both partners decide that they want less sex or no sex at all, it has every chance of surviving.
How can I satisfy myself in a sexless relationship?
Self-satisfaction in sexless relationships includes masturbation or other forms of self-pleasure. Many partners call on the professional help of a sex therapist or licensed marriage therapist to prevent divorce and bring sex back into the relationship.
What lack of intimacy does to a man?
A lack of intimacy can often make a man feel disconnected in the relationship. Some men reach a certain point where they develop sexless relationship depression. The important thing to keep in mind is that no one’s right or wrong, and the relationship won’t ever improve by comparing it to other couples.
How to spice up a sexless relationship?
Sex is the physical expression of a relationship. When you’re on the same page and deeply in tune with each other, the sex will be amazing. However, as soon as you start to drift apart, it’s predictable that intimacy and sex will take a hit.
So take time for your self-reflection and have an honest conversation on how you can feed into that connection and keep your marriage from divorce. To help, here are some amazing ways to spice up the bedroom.
How to initiate sex in a sexless relationship?
Initiating sex in a sexless relationship can feel daunting. In a way, it might feel new, so it’s important not to put pressure on either partner. The best advice is to have fun with it, don’t forget to laugh, and embrace sex as a new, fresh experience.