When learning how to be more masculine, you need to know what you’re getting yourself into.
The steps outlined below don’t involve some fairytale walk through the forest that suddenly endows you with pure masculine energy after drinking from a magic waterfall.
Becoming a manly man and harnessing your masculine energy takes courage, persistence, and a deep dive into your sense of self.
Read on if you’re looking for the no-nonsense approach to enhancing your masculine energy.
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How to increase masculinity with Tantra?
Embodying your masculine energy is not throwing your dick around and getting into brawls on the weekend.
That’s what society would have you believe in today’s world. The childish image of a man is laughable. With Tantra, you have the practice and knowledge to embody your true divine masculine essence.
It’s worthwhile because this energy will have women turning heads when you walk into the room. Really.
It has nothing to do with looks and all to do with your centered, powerful energy that is irresistible to a woman who embraces her divine feminine energy.
That’s why I call the conscious alpha male, a tantric man.
So if you want her sauntering your way, or you already have a beautiful woman and want to ramp up her desire, then this is why you’ll want to devour the steps below on owning your true masculinity.
Earn the woman that is a dark ocean of sensuality, passion, and heart-centered intuition.
20 masculine traits to help you become more manly
- Work with shame: transform humiliation into humility.
- Face your shadow.
- Challenge your edge.
- Work to empower; not overpower.
- Naturalize and integrate your anger.
- Get intimate with your aggression.
- Uncover virtuous violence.
- Awaken into the Hero archetype.
- Lean into authentic intimacy in your love life.
- Become a Deep Listener.
- Fight for the relationship.
- Free your masculine sexual energy.
- Move away from the ”must in lust”.
- Emerge out of eroticizing old wounds.
- Take porn out of the picture.
- Claim your sexual arousal.
- Become a truly consensual lover.
- Experience awakened sex.
- Integrate body, mind, emotion, psyche, and spirituality.
- Embody wholeness: the passage of authentic manhood.
1. Work with shame: transform humiliation into humility.
So, what exactly is shame?
Shame is the visceral self-conscious awareness of our behaviors. When a man feels shame, he is halted in his tracks. Depending on the situation, this can be helpful or a hindrance.
So, although much of our shame is toxic, it’s a healthy emotion for modern men when in balance. Shame helps you tune into your conscience and feel remorse for veering away from your values.
It would help if you learned how to embrace the healthy aspect of shame.
Here’s how to access healthy shame:
- Allow it to mobilize you: healthy shame encourages you to act and make things right.
- Open your heart: it’s natural to feel a shrinking in your chest initially, but it’s crucial to maintain an open heart.
- Lean into humility: a big part of healthy shame is detaching from the ego. You are human. You will make mistakes. That’s normal, but constantly feeling humiliated is a drain on your system. A better option is to tap into humility. This helps you correct mistakes with a light heart and compassion for yourself.
2. Face your shadow.
The masculine shadow consists of all the parts of yourself that you push down, reject, hide or deny.
Tantra welcomes light and dark— and teaches both are needed to become a fully integrated man.
Men drowning in toxic masculinity often spend their entire lives suppressing their shadow side.
Unfortunately, this shadow may leap out from the darkness during vulnerable experiences, such as sex.
Cultivating intimacy with your shadow is not a neat and tidy process. You will experience pain but also incredibly beneficial healing. All the energy you spend hiding parts of yourself will be freed up. You can then use this expansion to tap into your full potential.
Tips to befriend your Shadow
- Meditate with your shadow
- Practice nonjudgment towards all thoughts and emotions
- Work with a mentor
- Explore shadow journaling
- Notice what triggers you to hide parts of yourself.
The openness that awaits is your birthright. There’s no longer any need to cover up as you immerse totally in your life and reclaim the darkness, drawing it back into the fold of your being.
3. Challenge your edge.
Expending effort into aspirations is one of the most enlivening adventures for masculine men. And being at the cusp of your edge is where the most profound growth happens for the tantric man (aka an alpha man).
Tips for challenging your edge:
- Stay in touch with compassion.
- Be direct.
- Adopt an assertive mindset. Stay out of rigidity.
- Don’t postpone your goals.
- Stay in your own lane. Comparing your growth with others will only hold you back.
So, stay rooted in reality, and sharpen your focus. Remember to lean in with honor and an open heart, no matter what edge you’re working on expanding.
4. Work to empower; not overpower.
There is so much crap online telling you to dominate everything and everyone in your life, and wham bam, you’re a real man now.
Being assertive is a potent element of the divine masculine— but it’s essential to know the shape of true assertiveness.
Embracing your primal manliness is blending your wildness and your compassion.
Empower others by setting the standards of how you want to be treated. Choose when assertiveness is needed and when to lean into your anger to maintain boundaries.
Protect what needs protecting.
And all this boils down to learning to use your power skillfully. Then, employ your power to become intimate and tender to those around you.
Throwing your weight around only creates a false sense of control. You don’t need to seek ways to dominate so that you can prove your strength.
An alpha male or tantric man doesn’t need to prove anything— he is comfortable and confident in his masculine power. Therefore, he has no desire to show off.
5. Naturalize and integrate your anger.
Anger gets a bad rap because it’s usually made synonymous with aggression. These are very different!
Anger = an emotion.
Aggression = a behavior/action carried out that is hostile or violent.
Anger can lead to aggression, but only if it’s being repressed.
Anger is also the emotion that forces us to move forward. To level and destroy what no longer serves us. It allows us to protect ourselves and encourages us to act against injustice.
What’s helpful for us to unpick here are the signs of unhealthy anger that too many guys fall into.
Here are 5 signs of unhealthy anger:
- Preoccupied with blaming others— and not taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions.
- Disconnect from the inner carer.
- Constantly on the offense— seeing the worst in everyone or being mean-spirited towards others.
- Lack of the ability to see the perspectives of others.
- Would rather be right than connected.
Exercise: How to practice healthy anger
This practice allows you to explore all the different expressions of anger. By practicing this, you’ll learn how these scenarios play out safely and how to express heart-anger.
- Find a comfortable seated position. Take time to settle into your body and your breath.
- Bring to mind a situation that really angered you. Visualize the scene and let it play out in your mind. Most importantly, feel the anger that builds while recalling and reliving this scene.
- See this anger as anger-in. Slow down your breath and think about what you could have done differently. Remind yourself that expressing anger doesn’t help you or anyone else. Calm your body and mind down by slowing your breath. Draw on your kindness and compassion— your “nice guy”— for this round.
- Now replay the scene and just allow the sensation to rise within you. Observe the pit of anger bubble and boil— just allow it to simmer over. There is no need to associate with your thoughts and emotions.
- Next, practice anger-out. Breathe deeper as you ball your fists. Inflate your chest, tighten your jaw, and feel the inner fire build. Let any words that accompany this anger spill out— don’t hold back.
- Finally, practice heart-anger. Come back to deep, steady breathing. Relax the body and let your anger out. This time hold compassion for the person causing your anger. Allow yourself to be forceful and assertive yet noble and grounded.
6. Get intimate with your aggression.
Aggression is nothing to fear when given a healthy space to be expressed. For this, it’s crucial to unearth the anger that underlies aggression. Gaining this intimacy with your anger will give you the intimacy and deep empowerment of your anger. And that’s not only great for developing your healthy masculinity but also for your overall well-being.
Signs of aggression:
- Hostility is the most common expression of aggression. It’s a cold behavior that seeks to harm and is as far from a heart-centered reaction as imaginable.
- Sarcasm seeks to belittle and make fun of others. Even worse, the core of aggressive sarcasm is making the other person feel shameful towards themselves.
- Ill will is a harmful emotion, mainly to the person harboring the ill intent.
- Contempt dehumanizes on so many levels.
- Passive aggression is often the manifestation of aggression by those who suppress their aggression.
Ways to integrate your aggression:
- Empathy is key— become more empathetic with yourself and others. Allow yourself to feel and move through your emotions.
- Vulnerability makes room for a calm sense of empathy and compassion. This makes it far easier to stay in your heart-felt anger when your boundaries are being overstepped and out of your aggression.
- Deepen intimacy with your fear and shame— you are then aware of these emotions, which prevents them from morphing into aggression.
- Sympathetic joy— don’t miss out on the pleasure you can experience when those around you succeed.
- Skillful anger— stay in a vulnerable, non-shaming mind frame when expressing your anger.
- Conscious ranting— defuse overloaded reactivity. Speak uninhibitedly about your anger— either with a trusted person or you can journal.
7. Uncover virtuous violence.
Unfortunately, in society today, people perceive the masculine man to be overbearing, controlling, and aggressive.
Know that there is a healthy warrior within all modern men. Begin challenging the half-truths you’ve likely unconsciously gathered around how to be more masculine in a relationship.
Every man has a capacity for violence. However, the integrated man, who has found balance in his masculine energy, can act honorably while still maintaining his assertiveness.
Steps for working with your capacity for violence:
- Recognize and acknowledge its presence— keeping your violence in the shadows only increases the chances of it bursting out when you least expect it.
- Move toward it— to remain open-hearted and aligned to your values as an integrated man.
- Bring the violence out of the dark— shed light on your violence. Observe your triggers, and allow accompanying feelings in too. Here, you can begin to integrate it into your system.
- Keep it in sight— a stitch in time saves nine. Check in and listen to your shadows frequently so that your emotions don’t need to outburst to be heard.
8. Awaken into the Hero archetype.
Being a man has always been associated with courage. And courage comes from the French (‘coeur’), meaning heart.
When someone in your life needs help— embody your masculine energy and help them find solutions.
Another example would be if your boss is treating you unfairly— you are able to stand your ground and stand up for yourself with integrity.
In the dating world, the alpha male, or hero archetype, will gain respect by embracing his desires— obviously while respecting the personal boundaries of others. He will approach women with confidence where most guys won’t leave their comfort zone and so let that attractive girl walk right on by.
Courage is an essential part of becoming a Tantric Man.
Taking steps to approach life holistically is an enormous act of bravery. Experiencing life through Tantra is an awakening into your inner Hero’s journey. There is no going back to a half-lived life once you’ve experienced the fulfillment that comes with living with abounding courage.
9. Lean into authentic intimacy in your love life.
Masculinity has been butchered by wannabe tough guys thinking that lifting weights to build muscles will be enough to attract beautiful women.
Sorry to break it to the gym bros, but although physical strength is a turn-on for many women, it’s nowhere near as arousing as an authentical, emotional man.
It takes a balanced and masculine man to attain this level of pure consciousness. Not a James Bond or some pick up artists.
Signs of a man capable of authentic intimacy:
- Healed his pain and integrated his life experiences.
- Broken free of society’s conditioning.
- Exudes an energy field that makes women feel safe and open to their own authentic intimacy.
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How to lean into authentic intimacy?
- Don’t treat vulnerability as a weakness.
- Make friends with the shadow parts of you.
- Deepen your emotional literacy.
- Love and protect the inner boy within.
- Overcome any potential addiction.
- Prioritize your connection with your partner.
10. Become a Deep Listener.
Lack of communication is the biggest complaint in couples therapy. Both people will have a compelling argument why the other is failing in the relationship.
Here’s the problem: both of them want to be right.
Deep listening is both a mentally demanding skill and a dynamic way of hearing the person in front of you. It requires alertness and ease, taking in their words, emotions, body language, and energy.
How to practice deep listening:
- Being entirely focused on the other person while staying in touch with your sense of self.
- Empathic connection while maintaining boundaries.
- Patience and true presence.
- Holding space if the other person shifts into uncomfortable states.
- Listening to yourself as you’re listening to the other.
For the final step, it’s important to clarify that this doesn’t mean letting the mind go on tangents while the other person is speaking. Instead, you’ll want to tune into any sensations that rise up for you.
11. Fight for the relationship.
Power struggles are not conducive to a successful relationship.
Devote attention and care to building the other person up.
Help them light their flame.
But remember to keep your own flame lit. Watch as they do the same for you. And enjoy the blaze that you create together.
Arguments are vital in healthy relationships— but keep it clean and fair. Blame, shame, guilt, and manipulation don’t give anyone the upper hand— they just push the relationship closer to a cliff edge.
Refine, illuminate and co-exist within power. Fighting for the relationship is an act of love, not aggression.
12. Free your masculine sexual energy.
Most men are nowhere near connected with their masculinity.
Too many enticing pulls draw on your masculine energy potency. So when looking at how to be more manly, it’s crucial to see what’s dragging your masculine sexual energy.
Any overuse of porn or masturbation can create an over-reliance on sexual fantasies, making it more challenging to be present with your lover in the moment. Don’t get owned by your own desires.
How to be more manly by freeing your sexual energy:
- Discover any unhealthy hooks or obsessions around sex.
- Work through conditionings, so they don’t come out to play in the bedroom.
- Explore if you’re using sex to fulfill unmet needs in other areas of your life (note: this is a bad idea!)
- Keep your heart involved during sex.
- Let go of goals of completion or orgasm during sex for both people— take the pressure out of the picture to ramp up the pleasure.
13. Move away from the “must in lust”.
The world sells us erotic pleasure and promises it will make us happy. But real sex begins with happiness.
Sex within a truly intimate relationship is loose and easy— full of love-play and connection.
A lot of this adventurous dynamic falls away by placing all of the focus of a relationship on sex. The pressure to perform replaces this sense of play, leading to a more robotic, porn-approved, but generally less fulfilling sexual experience.
So how can you make sex more natural?
Lean into the yearning to explore the depths of the other person. Tap into the heart-felt longing to join in communal bliss. But, most importantly, strip back any expectations and let the pleasure unfold.
14. Emerge out of eroticizing old wounds
The greater your desire to distract yourself from suffering in life, the more addictive sex becomes.
Sex has the power to create a release and takes you away from life’s problems for a time. But avoiding problems through sex makes those issues more ingrained and can lead to an unhealthy relationship with sex.
So, when learning how to be more masculine in the bedroom, you first need to look at integrating and processing your wounds. We all have them. But, for incredible sex, they need to be worked through and healed.
15. Take porn out of the picture.
Most men know that porn is probably not the best for your love life. The free access to porn is a quick-fix dopamine hit that inhibits the full potential of romantic relationships. Society encourages over-consuming, and porn slots into this as a passive sexual encounter.
As men, we must face the fact that porn morphs sexual expectations.
When learning how to be more manly, you need to be able to feel into your own sexual desires. The problem with porn is its ability to suck intimacy out of a relationship. If you can’t hold your woman’s intimacy, you will never experience her opening fully to you.
Quitting porn for good also has a massive impact on your self-esteem. These highly choreographed reimaginings of sex are not realistic. And it will never be as spicy as meeting your partner’s intense, direct gaze as you join together.
16. Claim your sexual arousal.
Once you’ve worked on old wounds and addressed any porn overuse, the next step is claiming your sexual arousal.
Far too many men pretend that they are a victim of their sexual urges. The truth is you are always in control, regardless of say, what a woman is wearing. Spend time owning your desire to become sexually self reliant.
How to claim and take accountability for your sexual arousal:
- Acknowledge arousal as it arrives.
- Identify and place your focus on emotions.
- See and interact with the person you’re aroused by with respect and attentiveness.
- Don’t isolate parts of their body— see them as a whole being.
- Notice if you’re intensifying your arousal. Allow yourself to breathe deep and slow.
- Don’t demonize your arousal. See it as an intriguing path to explore.
Exploring arousal is a magnificent pleasure within a relationship. However, please don’t use it to ignore signs of incompatibility. People can be aroused by each other but completely lack intimate connection.
Finally, this isn’t about suppressing your arousal but bringing it into healthy alignment. Connection happens not through the excitement that rises in the heat of the moment. Instead, it’s in the genuine intimacy of baring your whole self to another person and witnessing the same in return.
17. Become a truly consensual lover.
You’re not a bad person if you have dark sexual fantasies. However, our shadow sexual needs often stem from suppressed emotions or hurtful past life experiences.
It’s not enough to just cut off your urges and bury them down. Deeper work is needed to become a present man in the bedroom who has moved past old wounds and healed pain so that he is incapable of rape.
5 steps to becoming a truly consensual lover:
- Although far from a comfortable truth, it’s helpful to admit to yourself the nature of sexual fantasies. This honesty to yourself allows the fantasies that need to stay in the imaginary world to stay there.
- Stay present with any shame that might rise up on facing the darker sexual fantasies.
- See a psychotherapist: explore the root of any non-consensual sexual preferences.
- When such fantasies arise, name and become interested in the emotions that crop up, is shame or loneliness present? Or some other emotion that needs to be felt and worked through.
- Learn to empathize rather than dehumanize those you feel these urges towards— even if these people are fictional. This is a critical step in becoming a tantric man.
18. Experience awakened sex.
Awakened sex brings you back into your original essence. It does this while also feeling into the melding of the other person with your entire being.
Sex made in this way is joyful, expansive, and entirely euphoric.
It’s common to feel fear before entering into such an intense experience. But most men report that they immediately feel grounded once the union begins.
Tantric meditations for epic sex help the couple cross the threshold and prepare themselves for the depth of experience to come.
19. Integrate body, mind, emotion, psyche, and spirituality.
Now you’re ready to expand sexually into all dimensions— physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Here’s how to explore this integration:
- Attune to the inside as well as the exterior of your body. Take note of emotional currents and shifting sensations.
- Your body does not lie. It is inbuilt with wisdom and intuition— let it guide you.
- When you feel disconnected or stressed, it’s time to tune even more closely into your body. A body scan can be helpful here.
- Partake in a regular Tantra yoga practice for men. This practice will increase your overall control over your body. You will have stable and consistent energy, more willpower, and the ability to sublimate your sexual energy.
- Settle into a consistent meditation practice.
- Allow this practice to create a relaxed, spacious awareness in your daily life.
- Become aware of the space between your thoughts. Observe the mind without getting sucked in and absorbed by the thought train.
- Learn how to skillfully express your emotions with self assurance.
- Open up the vastness within to empathy for yourself and others.
- Refrain from labeling emotions “good” or “bad”. All are welcome and important for the human psyche. Knowing this will uplift you from cycles of shame or guilt around your feelings.
- Remember that combining reason and emotion is a powerful force.
- Spirituality is not synonymous with religion. Spirituality is whatever your heart deems to be sacred.
- Educate yourself about spiritual bypassing so that you aren’t avoiding challenging situations so you can keep unresolved wounds in the dark.
- Keep “shoulds” out of your spirituality. Find and tailor what works for you to evolve.
- Embrace life’s challenges with love and awareness.
20. Embody wholeness: the passage of authentic manhood.
Learning how to be more masculine is a truly transformational journey. It’s exciting, strenuous, and illuminating. It demands you to step into your full power and seize this life of yours by the balls.
All that tripped you up before— conditionings, patterns, unhealthy behaviors, relationships that didn’t work out— were all stepping stones leading you here.
Once you embody wholeness, it is such a natural state of being.
But how do you get there?
Conclusion and the support you need to become more masculine
So, we’ve thoroughly explored how to be more masculine in these 20 steps. If you’re ready for deeper work, I have two free masterclasses that will take you the rest of the way.
This masterclass is for the single man looking to find his dream partner.
If you’re already in a relationship, this masterclass will help you both reach new levels of passion and fulfillment.
As a relationship expert who’s helped thousands of men reach their full potential— I’m excited for you to have found this free training. I am fully confident if you apply these steps, your masculine energy will elevate all areas of your life to unbelievable heights.
Few men will ever embark on the inner work journey needed to become an attractive man that has healed their pain. These integrated tantric men are at the forefront of the human race. And they surround themselves with like-minded men.
Do you have the driving force to become one of them…?
What makes a masculine man?
In essence, a masculine man is an integrated man. He has dealt with unresolved wounds, treats people with respect, and is a lion-hearted lover with deep emotional intelligence.
How to be more masculine physically?
Define first your physique goals. Next, create an exercise program, or find a personal trainer. Focus not only on getting results but on having fun and challenging yourself. Most men find a blend of different sports and gym routines build muscle and gives them a masculine edge.
How to be more masculine in a relationship?
Counterintuitively, it’s getting in touch with your feminine and masculine sides.
There are too many aggressive men out there in relationships which is a major turn-off for women. Constantly trying to appear more masculine, purely in a physical way, will not trick a woman into believing that you are able to make her feel safe and supported. So explore your strength, yes, but also your nurturing side.
How to be more masculine in bed?
Take the lead and learn to decode verbal and subconscious communication with your woman.
Communication, on all levels, is the doorway to incredible sex. Keep eye contact with your partner and see the expression that pours from the connection.
How to be more attractive to women?
First, you have to get to know her and see what she finds attractive. There is no hard and fast rule on attracting women. However, the more attuned you are, the better you can pre-empt what will spark her arousal.
How to dress more masculine?
Have an objective look at your masculine wardrobe — what message does it give?
Does it match your divine masculine energy?
If not, it’s time for a change. Learning how to be more manly through your attire isn’t purely about wearing tailored suits. It’s not about how sharp you dress, but your clothes portray how you see yourself.
So dress with self-assurance and confidence, and you’ll be treated with respect.
Lose clothes and baggy pants show that you want to hide from the world. Experiment with sleeker cuts and a fresh, clean look.
Dress for success and let your masculine wardrobe be simultaneously inspired while inducing positive emotions. More women than not will sense this inspiration about you.
Does money make you more attractive?
Let’s break the myth about what makes an attractive man.
It’s not about making more money, the perfect pick-up lines, or looks. Young boys go after the flashy cars and encourage consuming more and more, but mature men go deeper. The secret to being attractive is authenticity and masculine energy. Attractive men can absolutely come from humble backgrounds. It’s far more important that he lets women connect with their best, most confident selves.
Men's Relationship Coach
Steffo is the founder of The Tantric Man Experience, the #1 masculine mentorship program in the world. There he helps men in relationships reignite the passion to restore their marriages from the brink of divorce. And single men attract their dream women naturally with success. He's on a mission to guide men towards an intimate and meaningful relationship, and end the war with their sexuality, so they can finally become integrated men, fathers, brothers, husbands, and leaders in the world.
“It meant a paradigm shift in life.” – Patrik, Sweden
“Life-changing experience.” – Antonio, Italy